


You're the One That I Love and I'm Saying Goodbye

by Journalist101



Category: Dancing with the Stars (US) RPF, Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-22 05:57:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 80,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Journalist101/pseuds/Journalist101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After seventeen years, there's been so many moments and maybes. In another world, it might have been different. But it's not reality. </p><p>An event causes them to take a closer look at the past and what might have been. Looking back at everything that shaped them to this point in their lives, there are always regrets, some stronger than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Say Something

_“And I will sallow my pride, you’re the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye, say something, I’m giving up on, I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you, and anywhere I would have followed you, say something, I’m giving up on you.”_

 

It was early in the morning when they awoke fully clothed in their outfits from last night, in each others’ arms. The sunlight was pale gold in the windows, not fully risen and it hinted that today would be a lovely day. It was beautiful and a tragic reminder that the time had come. They sat up, still wiping the sleep from their eyes, formal clothes rumpled and her makeup smudged. Last night had been everything they needed and everything they didn’t all at the same time.

 

Sitting there in his childhood bedroom on his bed, they shared a meaningful look that said everything they couldn’t bear to say, because saying it out loud made it real—they couldn't afford for it to be real. In their eyes, they saw mirror images of _regret, sadness and mutual understanding._  It been so long since it was just the two of them and they knew that this was probably the last opportunity for them. Sitting there for what seemed like ages, they couldn’t look at each other and eventually she knew it was time. Without words, she gently reached for his hand squeezing it tight before leaning down to kiss his cheek while he sat immobile on the bed unwilling or unable to release her hand. 

 

But she carefully extracted her hand and moved towards the door. He let her leave without a word, without a protest, even though deep down  _he wanted to scream, to rage, to beg her to stay_ ,  **but he didn’t**. And she didn’t hesitate as she walked out the door, even though her heart was heavy and she could feel the tears that she couldn’t swallow, pooling in her eyes. Once she made it down the stairs, she almost ran out, not bothering to say a word to his parents, who she knew lingered nearby. 

 

His mother watched sadly and wondered if they had anytime left but unfortunately for them, time had run out. She sipped her coffee as her son made his way down the stairs, noticing his attire, she offered him a smile and cup. He drank it without protest, offering no commentary. She thought he looked like he had aged by a few years since the other night. There was nothing she could say or do, it was up to him. Banging at the door and the loud voices on the other side told them both, what they already knew—it was time. As he left the room to go answer the door, his mother slipped out of the room—she couldn’t bear it anymore.

 

* * *

 

As she was driving home, the tears wouldn’t stop falling. She had been lucky that the tears hadn't started until she was in the safety of her car. She forced herself to breath, to stop feeling so much. She had a chance to not walk out the door, to not leave but she didn’t—she let him go. She could tell he hoped that she would said something. It was her choice, she reminded herself. She was the one who had set the limitations on everything and she had no one to blame but herself.

 

And last night had been a colossal mistake. Technically, they hadn’t cheated but it had been wrong. But how could something so wrong feel so right? In the moment, it was what they both had needed. Last night had been their last opportunity for them to be together, just the two before everything changed. It had been their last chance to make peace with their past decisions. And what should have brought her closure, only brought her regret and what ifs. 

 

By the time she made it home, she had some form of composure, but it was fragile, so easily broken. As soon as she walked in and saw her mother, she collapsed in her arms sobbing while her mother held her. There was nothing her mother could say or do but she offered her comfort the only way mother’s can—with her arms and her love. Hugging her daughter close, she wished there was a way to mend her heart but didn’t have the answers and she couldn't do the impossible.

 

Eventually, her sobs lessened and she let go of her mother. She watched her head up the stairs with a grim, determined smile on her face. Her strong daughter was ready for whatever came her way, even if she wasn’t she was going to put on a damn good front. She could afford to show no sign of weakness today. Her heart couldn’t take it. As her mother watched her daughter walk away, she couldn’t help but have her heart break along with her daughter’s.

 

* * *

 

Back at his home, the boys goofed off and made jokes while he smiled, but it wasn’t a blinding smile like it should be for this day. They managed to waste a few hours playing video games and making small talk before he eventually excused himself, citing the fact that he had to shower. While he showered, the boys whispered to each other; they knew exactly what was off with him and they had recognized those clothes from last night, prompting some discussion between them. One was convinced that they should interject and force him to talk while the others hushed him. It would do them no good and they knew it. When he walked back in they could tell he was sad and they didn’t comment. Instead, they exchanged looks and changed as the time neared. 

 

After watching him mechanically go through the motions, they elected a spokesperson to talk to him—to at least try. Finally, one of them pulled him aside gently and said pityingly, “You know you don’t have to go through with it? There’s still time. You know you could…”

 

Cutting him off, he replied, “But I do. It’s been decided,” before pulling away from him and busying himself with his suit. He refused to look at anyone else, too afraid he’d see what he already knew in their eyes. He tried to clear his head and thankfully he was saved when his father entered to tell them it was time. As they left, he was positive he left his heart in that room, broken in a box but it didn’t matter. They had decided and he had to live with the consequences.

 

Meanwhile, she had pulled herself together. In the shower, she had shed more tears, letting the hot water rush over her body and wash away the evidence. There was faint redness in her eyes that she would attribute to getting soap in her eyes while showering. She hoped no one would look closely enough to question her. She had managed to get ready enough and slipped out while her parents were occupied. She drove over to the hotel room and pasted on her best smile.

 

She was on autopilot as she complimented the others and fussed over the dresses. She drank more mimosas than she should until she felt dizzy. But her smile never left her face and she was able to blend into the background. Only once, she felt her armor crack and she made herself draw strength from the one woman who grabbed her hand, when they started to get dressed, squeezing it with understanding. Then she exchanged a grateful look with her and was pleased to see compassion on her face—no judgement, not even pity this time.

 

By the time, it was time to leave, she was numb—an improvement from the way she had been feeling. She almost felt a little unsteady in her heels but she forced herself to focus. She wasn’t about to ruin anything on this day, no matter what her personal feelings were. Grabbing the arm offered to her, she gave a small smile and reminded herself, she had chosen and these were the consequence she had to live with for the rest of her life.

 

When they arrived at the church both were thankful that they couldn’t see the other. It would have been so much harder and perhaps, they would have broken character. They couldn’t afford to—not anymore, not on this day.

 

* * *

 

The day was perfect for a spring wedding, the sun was shining and it was warm for April in Michigan. All in all, the couple couldn’t have asked for a better day. The church was beautiful and elegant without being overwhelming; decorated with roses, lilies and peonies, lined with light pink and pale gold ribbons, and littered with family and friends. The guests took the time to observe the wedding party. 

 

The groom was dashingly handsome in his black tux with white rose boutonniere. His groomsmen standing next to him were all clad in matching black tuxes. Some observed the slight frowns on a few of their faces and the looks they exchanged between each other when the groom wasn't looking. However, they weren’t paying close enough attention due to the groom. Many observed the small, slightly nervous smile that adorned his face and thought it was touching to see how nervous he was on the biggest day of his life.

 

Eyes wandered once more and they landed on the families. The bride’s family was beaming, clad in their elegant attire in spring colors. The mother of the bride was already starting to tear up, holding a pack of tissues like it was her lifeline. Whereas the groom’s family seemed slightly sadder—smiles that seemed almost too forced and exchanging worried glances with each other when they thought no one was looking. They looked almost upset to be attending this wedding, which was very odd. But before anyone had time to really start to look at them closer, the music started and all eyes turned to the back of the church, allowing the groom and his family to escape their prying eyes.

 

Making their way down the isle, the bridesmaids looked beautiful. Clad in varying shades of pink, carrying rose bouquets, they looked lovely and happy. One bridesmaid’s smile seemed a bit off, dimmer than the others but no one commented, just taking another look at her. And upon closer inspection, one saw her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and if one knew her well enough, there were tell tale traces of tears in her eyes already—something that would have been a red flag because she never cried. Perhaps the most informative reaction should have been that the groom could hardly look at her but no one noticed, too busy being focused on the anticipation of the bride coming next. Secretly, the bridesmaid knew why he couldn’t meet her eyes and she told herself it was fine, that she had accepted it, but in that moment acceptance was the last thing on her mind.

 

The music changed and everyone stood as the bride entered on the arm of her father. Sighs rippled through the church and some started to tear up on the spot. She was the most beautiful bride, people whispered. Clad in her white satin sweetheart a-line dress with a pink ombre skirt that just seemed to melt and float, she was a vision. The groom felt his heart beat loudly against his chest—was it excitement or dread, he wondered. 

 

The bride’s smile was radiant and one look at her would tell anyone that this was the happiest day of her life. No one bothered to look at the groom’s face, but it was telling. He looked slightly sick and unsure, which could be due to nerves but no one saw, save for the bridesmaid, who was watching him carefully and looked just a little less happy than her counterparts. And across the isle, he caught her eye and immediately, he broke eye contact with her. If he looked too closely at her eyes, he would have seen the heartbreak, the sadness and he wasn’t sure what he would do if he actually saw what he knew was present. 

 

When the ceremony began, the priest asked, “If anyone knows a reason for why these two people should not be wed, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.” Everyone held a collective breath, the groom was staunchly looking at his bride while his family waited—waited for someone to say something, looking directly at the bridesmaid. And for a minute, the bridesmaid considered saying something but she forced her tongue to lie still. With a nervous awkward pause, everyone waited but no one said anything and so the ceremony continued. The disappointment radiating from the groom’s side was palpable to anyone who was looking which thankfully no one was, for everyone’s sake.

 

As the ceremony continued, the bridesmaid entertained thoughts of what would have happened had she said something, had her “Speak Now” moment like that Taylor Swift song she’d never thought she’d relate to, but in reality, she did. But it was merely a fantasy, she told herself, scolding herself to pay attention to the ceremony. And before she knew it, the ceremony was almost finished. She managed to distract herself all the way through the vows, and she was pleasantly surprised, she didn’t have to hear their public declarations of love.

 

And by the end of the ceremony, she watched as the groom married his bride, and kissed her so tenderly, gently on the lips. The bride’s smile outshone her groom but no one noticed, except for those who were looking for it— and in that moment, their hearts broke for them. Most of the guests had started crying and happily applauding. Exiting the church, the bride and groom posed for the obligatory pictures with their bridal party. It was pure agony for her, but it was comforting as well because it reinforced what she needed to remind herself. The photographer noticed that for two members of the bridal party, their smiles didn’t quite reach their eyes and that those smiles were just a little too fake, forced for a wedding, but he didn't dare comment—after all, it could have been a figment of his imagination and he wouldn’t want to start anything at a wedding, on a couple’s special day. 

 

The party travelled together in a limo to the reception site, a beautiful hall decorated elegantly in their colors. The party was all smiles when they arrived and the guests applauded and cheered when they walked in. At the reception, the bride and groom kissed when asked and smiled at each other with something akin to adoration. But there was some falseness in his smile and his eyes betrayed just a touch too much sadness for a man on his wedding day.  

 

However, the bride smiled and smiled. She was the picture of radiance on her wedding day. She ignored the fact that the groom was a little more in love with her bridesmaid and the groom ignored his own breaking heart. The bride understood that this is what she signed up for when she accepted him and she played her role dutifully in their never-ending tragedy. And for a split-second, she wondered what would have happened if she had been the one to put end to the charade, call them on their bullshit but she hadn't been brave enough to. She had accepted her role in their story.

 

Later on in the evening, the bridesmaid stood up. She smiled and readied herself to address the guests at the reception. In her speech, she gave heartfelt congratulations and a heartwarming speech that touched everyone and reduced her to a teary state. The guests couldn't stop smiling and agreed that her speech was the best by far. They remarked on how it was so touching to see that their relationship continued to run strong and how lucky the two were to have remained so supportive of each other. During the speech, the groom’s family forced a wider smile but his mother let her head drop and her smile vanished. She started to tear up, blaming her emotional state of mind on seeing her youngest get married but those closest knew that it was for an entirely different reason. Her husband found her hand under the table and squeezed it tight, he understood and she leaned her head on his shoulder. 

 

Across the room the groom couldn't stop himself. He caught the bridesmaid’s eye for a second as he applauded her speech, he could see it all flashing through her head—her eyes have always been the most expressive. But it vanished as quick as it appeared and left in its place was a blushing bridesmaid laughing tearily with her boyfriend, who was wiping the tears from her face tenderly with his fingers. 

 

He can’t bear to look at her but he can’t look away, until he felt his bride tug on his hand. Her soft touch brought him back to reality. And he smiled at her, giving her a genuine smile if not a little small and for a minute, the bride was able to pretend that he was the happiest here with her but it’s not enough—it doesn’t last long enough before it vanished. It will never be enough, but he was quick to remind himself that he chose this, that he had no one to blame but himself. And if he was being honest, he did blame himself, and her for everything, for their current state.

 

The dancing started and everyone agreed that the couple made a handsome pair. Their first dance was appropriately lovely and sweet. Cameras flash, catching the groom looking at his bride with a soft sweet smile and the bride looking at her groom like he’s all that matters in the world. They were the picture of a young couple in love, or at least that’s what everyone said. The bridesmaid doesn’t watch, instead she spent that time talking with her boyfriend, the man she chose. He deserved so much better than her, she decided when she realized that he’s pretending not to notice her sadness associated with this wedding. But she’s grateful he loves her and she does love him, even if it’s not completely the way he deserved.

 

Later on, the groom and bridesmaid shared one dance—a single dance was all they could afford. It was almost fitting that the dance was to their exhibition piece from earlier this year. Fate had quite the sense of humor, the bridesmaid decided. The lyrics cut a little too close to home and their respective others lingered a little too close, almost afraid to give them privacy. But their respective other's shouldn’t have worried, they had chosen this and they wouldn’t dare mess it up. 

 

Looking down at her, he wished he could turn back time, make a different decision and just see what could have happened. Instead, she smiled at him and he could see the broken girl beneath her makeup, his heart ached but he ignored it. He couldn’t afford to say something or do something that they would later regret. Instead, his hands lingered on her hips for a little too long and she held him a little closer than the dance dictated. All too quickly, it ended and her boyfriend whisked her away to dance and he retreated to his bride. 

 

As he slipped his arm around her, he noticed his bride’s face. His bride’s expression was part sadness and part understanding. In that moment, he was accurately aware that she knew and didn’t say a word, even though he knew she had always known. She held his hand tightly and he felt ashamed that he was with his bride, unable to enjoy their special day. The bride pretended that she can’t tell he was holding her hand too tightly now and that his smile was a little too forced. She forced herself to watch the other couples twirl around the floor. And eventually, they went back to the dance floor. They shared other dances—fast and slow—and he made sure he looked anywhere but at her, it was the least he could for the woman he loved and chose.  

 

However for the bridesmaid, she couldn't help but shed a tear or two, even though she has been pretending to have a wonderful time with her family and friends. She told herself if someone asked, she’s shedding tears of joy, not tears of what might have been, not tears of regret. Her boyfriend could see it, it was so obvious to him and it hurt him more than he expected. He pretended that she wasn’t crying over him, even though he knew the truth. 

 

And despite the anger he felt towards her, because he loved her so much and he was angry that she doesn’t love him the same way, he wanted to cheer her up. So he whirled her around the dance floor and they danced to the music, while he whispered sweet nothings and jokes in her ear. He was able to elicit a smile out of her when he dipped her a little too low. And though he was charming and happy, she can tell he’s on edge, when his hands gripped her hips a little harder than necessary. At the end of the dance, he held tight afraid if he let her go, she’d really go but she gave him the most reassuring smile she could manage, assuaging his fear. The couple mesmerized the guests, who watched them perform to a song that they’ve danced to before. What a lovely couple, they exclaimed and exchanged knowing looks. A few even remarked that it won’t be long before they’re making their way down the isle too.

 

As the night started to wind down, the guests stopped observing everything and everyone, choosing to enjoy the moments instead. No one noticed the groom’s mother and her best friend had excused themselves so that they could go cry in each other’s arms about what could have been. When they returned, they were thankful no one noticed their prolonged absence, red eyes and ruined makeup. But the groom caught his mother’s eye from across the room, he knew that look and he couldn’t bear to keep contact with her any longer, because he saw the accusation and sadness in her eyes. He had disappointed her and he wished he didn’t, because he had disappointed himself as well.

 

At the end of the night, the bridesmaid kissed the groom on the cheek and gave him a smile along with quiet congratulations. He pretended not to notice that she’s just a little bit heartbroken and she pretended that she doesn’t know that he’s a little bit in love with her. They said goodbye with some hint finality in their voice, because they knew that everything had changed in one day. They had been preparing for it for weeks but it was still hard. But instead of acknowledging it, they played the roles they’ve been playing for seventeen years. She watched him leave with his wife under a shower of bubbles and well wishes before she left on the arm of her dancing partner. She told herself that this was the future she chose and that she has no to blame for the hole in her heart but herself. 

 

And much later that night after their respective partners had both fallen asleep, the two left their beds. The groom walked out onto his balcony in his honeymoon suite and the bridesmaid slipped out onto the balcony of her boyfriend’s hotel room. Miles and miles apart, they both looked out the window.  **It was a full moon, beautiful and a reminder that the hardest day of their lives had passed, now all they had left was the rest of their lives**. Each admired the moon and under the bright light, they both went back to the past. Their thoughts echoed the ideas which had been swimming around in their head all day. In the safety of their balconies,  **they wondered about what decisions led them here, to this very place, to this very second in time**.  _They wondered if they would have made a different choice, would the regrets continue to sting so harshly? Would they be standing here, thinking about their past and scars that run deep even today?_

 

And of course though their miles apart, the two found themselves thinking the same things, just like always. They’d never know what the other has been thinking on this night, because they'd never acknowledge that their insecurities and regrets had surfaced on the worst possible night. They told themselves that the next morning everything would go back to reality, that they would wake with a new perspective and move on because that’s what they chose. They had decided their fates a long time ago and when did looking back ever help them, but it was something they just couldn’t help. And tonight, they couldn't help but wonder about what could have been. 

 

Standing there under the light of the moon, they both contemplated how different their lives could have been if they’d just said something. In their heads, certain lyrics replayed in their heads over and over again, haunting them. _“And I will swallow my pride, you’re the one that I love and I’m saying goodbye. Say something, I’m giving up on you. And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. And anywhere, I would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you. Say something, I’m giving up on you.”_  They were the words they’d always know were just a little too right and just a little too close to the truth, but that didn’t stop them from replaying them over and over in their heads, until they fell asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story will definitely be different than "I Won't Let Go of You." It's taking a harder look at their reality. And it's not happy, but I've always wanted to explore them from a different angle. Each chapter after this will probably be told from either Charlie, Meryl, Tanith or Maks point of view. And I definitely would love comments, you were all wonderful with my last story and I'd love for it continue.


	2. All You Had To Do Was Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wonders about the past at the moment of his greatest triumph.

_“Hey, all you had to do was stay, had me in the palm of your hand, then, why'd you have to go and lock me out when I let you in, stay, hey, now you say you want it back, now that it's just too late, well could've been easy, all you had to do was stay. Let me remind you, this was what you wanted, you ended it, you were all I wanted, but not like this.”_

 

Charlie was accurately aware that tonight—no matter the outcome—they had skated better than they ever had before in their life. The air was electric between them, he was sure they had never been more in tune with each other in those precious moments on ice, when no one else but them existed on the ice. Her emotions—so clearly expressed on her face—told him everything he needed to know. On that moment, on the ice, he was sure that they were in love.

 

He was sure that she knew exactly what he was feeling as he tried to emote like never before. Technically the performance was beautiful but for him, it felt like an expression of what could have been. He had never connected so deeply to a character the way he felt tonight. He was tortured and enraptured by a beautiful bewitching woman, who held the keys to his heart. He was sure that she felt the same way about her character, though he couldn’t exactly stop her on the ice and ask.

 

At the end of the piece, hugging her on the ice, he found himself whispering, “I love you.” He heard her breathe it back, holding him tighter, and for a minute, he allowed himself to lose himself in the fantasy. His heart couldn’t help the frantic pounding which seemed to be more a result of her words than his own physical exhaustion. He pretended that her heartbeat was a result of his confession and he pretended that they were really in love. And when he released her, he could almost see the regrets which had surfaced in her eyes, before she masked them with perfectly feigned—and probably true—excitement.

 

Unable to look away from her but at the same time, Charlie couldn’t bear the sight of her, they skated off the rink hand in hand. Her breathing was labored and his own fatigue was starting to show. Hugging their coach before making their way to the kiss and cry, he found his arms wrapped around them both, eagerly awaiting the results. Arms wrapped around them both, he thought that this might be the way it was supposed to be  **but it wasn’t.**

 

As soon as the results were announced, there was no time to linger on his past feelings as the full weight of what happened hit them. They had done it—accomplished everything they had set out to do when they first started seventeen years ago but why did the victory almost feel hollow to him? Was the prize really worth the price? He had no time to meditate, before being swept away in the emotion and festivities of the moment.

 

Right before it was their turn to be announced at the flower ceremony, he found himself looking at her. She was glowing, cheeks flushed and It had always been the two of them against the rest of the world—against every obstacle that they ever had to face thus far in their lives. And it hadn’t changed but this was their moment—the moment that made it all worthwhile, the goal had been fulfilled. Standing here, on the podium in Sochi with his arm around her, _he reflected back to how it had always been them_.

 

* * *

 

When they were so young, too young to understand the significance of their partnership, they’d been paired together. Meryl had been shy, quiet, mouselike with interesting eyes and a shy, small smile. She wouldn’t look him in the eye, preferring to look past him, how ironic that this was the way he would feel years later. He’d been immature, loud and annoyed that he'd been stuck with such a quiet partner. At that age, Charlie wanted a partner who he could at least talk to but she didn’t seem to be capable of speaking to anything but the floor. Hell even then, he wasn’t sure if ice dancing was something he liked enough to get serious about. Honestly back then he was mostly concerned with how ice dancing could help his hockey playing skills.

 

His annoyance hadn’t lasted as long as he thought it would; it turned out she was a rather quick study and he’d been impressed—not that he would have admitted it to her. She still wasn’t great about looking him in the eye and she was still too quiet for him, but she was a good skater—maybe better than him. After he realized how good she could be, he found he actually enjoyed skating with her and she opened up some to him.

 

They made good partners—their coach thought so for sure and they were evenly matched when it came to skill. Their coach saw potential in them that they couldn’t fathom at the tender ages of eight and nine. How were they supposed to understand that they’d been given a gift that some would never have—that they could achieve something more with their talent? Their coach refrained from speaking to them about it when they were young, preferring to tell their enthusiastic moms, who welcomed the idea that they had a chance at greatness.

 

After the initial awkwardness, they both began to open up to each other and found themselves changing little by little. Shy and quiet, still described her but she was also friendly, smart and dedicated to their sport. He liked all of those things but he loved how she would laugh at his jokes. Charlie enjoyed being the one to make her laugh and smile, it made him feel good that only he was able to elicit that response from her. 

 

In return, he calmed down considerably. His childlike arrogance had mellowed out. His focus improved and he wasn’t nearly as loud or boisterous. And as he got to know her better, he found himself enjoying his time on the rink with her more. Hockey became a secondary concern to him, something that surprised him since he never loved ice dancing the way he loved hockey.

 

As the two grew older, their lives became further entwined and neither cared. Suddenly, a tentative friendship had blossomed into a close partnership. The two understood each other the way no one else did. They could understand what each other was thinking without saying a word. It was easy for them—they just knew what the other was thinking by looking at their face. The connection just grew as they entered their teenage years.

 

There should have been some awkwardness—both had entered the age of puberty and the age when boys and girls started to really look at each other. Both got hit by puberty a little harder than their peers. Her unusual looks with big eyes and delicate features needed time to mature and his gangly limbs and unruly hair with glasses made him look younger than he was. Both ignored their changing bodies and feelings and focused even more narrowly on their friendship and partnership.

 

They were out of high school by the time they really realized that something was there between them that was decidedly non-platonic and instead romantic. They had that rare chemistry that even their mothers’ noticed. In fact their mothers’ marveled at their relationship, noting how much each had changed and wondered if there was something more. They often asked each other: there had to be something more right? **And they were right—there was something there.**

 

* * *

 

It was their first year in college. Their close friendship had blossomed into something more right after they graduated. Of course they had always been very close, always seeming like an extension of each other than their own persons. It was mutual and fairly clichéd in many ways.

 

Best friends falling for each other, after all this time—the ultimate will they won’t they couple. It was so easy to fall for her—hadn’t he been falling for her for years. Who else could understand him the way that she did? The short answer was no one. She knew what he was thinking by taking one look at his face. She supported him when he screwed up—especially when he screwed up.

 

Charlie still remembered when she didn’t berate him when he broke his ankle playing hockey with the boys. Others would have been angry and upset with him. They would have demanded to know why he was so reckless and thoughtless to cause them to lose their season before it even began. But she wasn’t other people. 

 

Instead of saying anything she would regret, she calmly asked about him and how he was feeling. Her concern only worsened the way he felt and he knew that she knew that the guilt would be worse than any tantrum or threat she could dole out. It wasn’t like she was trying to punish him but she had wanted him to understand that she had been hurt by his careless actions.

 

That summer, they fell into a different routine. They were still skating together but all of their time was spent together. Their parents may have noticed but they never said anything. It was easy—too easy. They spent the summer dancing around their growing feelings. They flirted harmlessly and spent more time that necessary together doing anything just to be close to each other. Charlie couldn’t count the amount of romantic comedies, he watched that summer with her head on his shoulder, his arm around her. He didn’t mind because he was with her—where he always belonged.

 

And towards the very end of summer, when it was still hot, they acted on their growing feelings. It was the perfect moment for their first kiss. On the lake, last vacation before they started college together, they had broken away from their families who were nostalgic about their little babies going off to college. They had excused themselves after they noticed the tears in their mothers’ eyes. 

 

They had walked a fair distance from them—so far that they couldn’t see them when they turned around. The sun was beginning to set, turning the sky a brilliant and soft orangey-pink. She was in a sundress; he was in shorts, walking hand in hand—something that came so naturally to them. Her voice murmured something about the sunset and how beautiful it was, while he caught himself before he told her how beautiful she looked. 

 

Meryl was beautiful in the sunlight, dark hair shining, eyes wide as she took in the sunset. Studying her face, there was a little redness in her cheeks and across her nose from the sun. She turned to look at him and he lost himself in her eyes and he confessed how beautiful she was and he watched her cheeks stain a light pink with the compliment. 

 

But instead of turning away from him, he was amazed when she wound her arms around his neck, resting her head on his chest. Automatically, his hands grasped her waist as he rested his head down on top of hers. Standing there, just the two of them, it felt natural and wonderful. Holding her tight with one hand, he reached his right hand down to tilt her head upwards towards his. 

 

Her eyes questioned him but he shook his head before she could voice any questions. Impulsively, he leaned down so that his face was merely inches from hers. Her breathing became erratic as he watched her surprise change to something akin to desire. Brushing a stray lock of dark hair, which had fallen forwards and onto her cheek, behind her ear, his eyes asked what his voice couldn’t vocalize while her eyes gave the reply he longed to hear.

 

Leaning down slowly, he pressed his lips against hers. His hands tangled in her dark locks as he tasted her sweet soft lips. It was intoxicating and thrilling—it was like every fantasy come true. One of her hands ran through his curls while the other gripped his neck tightly. Her lips parted as he deepened the kiss. As the kiss moved from sweet to sensual, he thought this was the way it was supposed to be. And when they broke apart gasping, their foreheads resting together, he’d never experienced more euphoria. 

 

Her arms were still wrapped tightly around him and his voice was ragged when he said, “That was amazing.” She nodded before burying herself into his chest. Stroking her hair with a gentle hand, the scene mesmerized him; he could see their reflections in the lake water. They looked so right together—like they belonged together. Her dark hair contrasting his fair, perfectly matched height wise and his arms looks so right wrapped around her petite form.

 

He found himself telling her, “We should give this a chance.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper but he knew she heard him. His heart was pounding so loudly he was sure that she could hear it while he waited with bated breath for her response. Her soft sweet voice replied with a quiet “yes” and he felt like he could breath again. Holding her tighter, he could imagine their future together and he wanted it badly—so desperately, probably too desperately in retrospect.  

 

But that evening was perfect and walking back, they decided they didn’t want anyone to know but them. They wanted something that was reserved only for them until they really knew what was happening between them. And that began their great romance, an epic romance or so they both thought at the time. Little did they know that some romances aren’t epic or grand but in fact short-lived and tragic.

 

Their grand romance lasted all of five months. It was hard, love wasn’t easy and at the end of the day, hiding it wasn’t helpful—it hurt them more than they could have imagined. Suddenly, it felt like there was a barrier between them that she had erected overnight. It wasn’t the two of them against the world anymore, which seemed strange because it should have still been that. They were always at their best when it was just the two of them, but not since they added romance to their partnership. 

 

It was _passionate_ for sure, and _reckless_ **the way only eighteen, nineteen year olds can engage in—their first true romance with all the heartbreak that it entails.** They loved each other too much and it moved too fast. They never fought but they started to have issues with their skating and personal lives, which danced so close to fighting without ever crossing the line that grew blurrier each passing day. 

 

It started small with little things that they didn’t understand about each other before escalating. Her decisions to join a sorority felt misplaced to him and he couldn’t understand why she needed that while she didn’t know why he couldn’t support her like he always had. Their communication skills were lacking, he thought everything could be solved with a kiss and she let him because she didn’t know how to tell him that what they needed couldn’t be kissed away. And it frustrated the hell out of her but she didn’t tell him—she couldn’t find the words. 

 

That frustration just continued to build until she couldn’t bear it any longer. So around Christmastime, she walked out. **She quit**. She couldn’t handle the stress or pressure and he let her. He watched her leave his room with her back to him, head held high as she broke his heart and her own. Sitting on his bed, he wondered why he didn’t fight for her—fight for them. But it’s hard, he theorized, and they were so young—they’d come back to each other if it was meant to be.

 

Christmas was slightly awkward but they powered through it with fake smiles plastered on their faces and avoiding being in each other’s company for too long. No one noticed or said anything if they did and by her birthday, they’d found some sort of balance. Instead of talking about their failed attempt at romance, like adults, they pretended it never existed, masking their pain with smiles and quips about their firm friendship. 

 

Eventually, on the surface, their partnership regained all of their old closeness and it was as if that period in time never happened. Her emotions were unreadable to him when it came to their romantic past and he hated it. He wished she kept herself open to him but instead he felt like contrary to what everyone else saw, they were moving backward instead of forward. He didn’t voice his own thoughts on it, internalizing all of the debates he waged in the depths of his mind about their distance. 

 

Despite their messy personal lives, their skating flourished until that dratted day at the Cup of Russia. He’d had a particularly hard day, culminating in that God-awful performance where he fell not once but twice and stumbled over his twizzles. He had been so angry with himself he almost punched a hole in the wall of his hotel room after he fled from the scene. He threw himself on his bed and screamed into his pillow, cursing and crying tears of frustration.

 

She didn’t knock before she entered the room. He hated that he’d given her the key at the moment. It had been on the tip of his tongue to throw her out—to beg her to leave him, to let him stew. But he didn’t instead he flipped over and looked at her as she casually made her way over to the bed. Sitting down, he watched her reach a pale hand out to grab his. The warmth was comforting—it was familiar and in that moment he’d never felt closer to her. Leaning down her wiped his tears away with her free hand and whispered calming, sweet words of concern.

 

Her comforting hand undid all of his fragile self control as he found himself opening up to her. He told her she should find a new partner, who was less prone to mistakes than him. And in that moment, he felt himself asking her about the past—their past and asking her why she didn’t stay. He felt powerless to stop himself from asking her why she didn’t just tell him what was on her mind before leaving.

 

Instead of really answering him, she gave him that sad smile—one full of unknown regrets and words unspoken. Meryl held him tight and told she was sorry. Her voice so soft, he had to strain to hear, said, “You know, I am sorry. It wasn’t fair. But we can’t change the past—we can only move forward.” Her hands had made their way into his hair and she lay down to face him, her face inches away from his. She kissed him hard, he responded instantly and all thoughts of having a serious conversation fled his head as quickly as they entered.

 

That night they gave into temptation; **they were reckless—careless with their own hearts.** Their relationship had been passionate as sin and that night they were sinners with no hope—or desire for redemption. In his bed, they gave each other everything, unbeknownst to them that they would leave with nothing the next morning. 

 

Charlie'd never felt more alive in that night. That night was euphoric, their bodies tangled in the sheets, her hair sprawled across his chest, her nails running down his back. His hands exploring parts of her that used to be a mystery, coupled with her breathy sighs. They lost control and it was wonderful and messy. After falling asleep in each other’s arms, he awoke to a cold bed with only the faint scent of her perfume on the pillow next to him— _no note, just cold sheets._ He thought his heart would shatter at that moment. 

 

When he saw her at breakfast, she gave no hint that last had night meant anything to her—she was too busy looking past him, smiling and engaging in conversation with their coaches. She didn’t even acknowledge him and when she looked him in the eye, her eyes gave nothing away. And he hated her in that moment. He thought that they’d progressed—that last night was the start of something new for them but he was a fool. He’d given her his all and he thought she did the same but maybe, he was wrong. He skated angry that day but much better that day. **That night he wallowed in his own misery—wondering why even if he wanted to hate her why he was unable to.**

  
Since that night, he tried to move on, dating different girls; ignoring the fact that time really didn’t cure a broken heart. And he eventually found it didn’t hurt as badly as it did before and he did move on— _he found a girl who couldn’t break his heart because she’d never hold it like the one before her did._ But she was good to him—good for him and he appreciated her quiet understanding and her ability to give him all of her without expecting the same of him. Sometimes he wondered if she knew that he was broken on the inside—broken because of someone else but she never said a word. She accepted him, flaws and all and he fell in love with her.

 

Sometimes, he resented Meryl when it came to hiding his relationship with his girlfriend. But other times he couldn’t help but flaunt his relationship in her face. She pretended that none of it mattered and she dated others but they never lasted long. He still got irrationally jealous when he saw that one of them had more staying power than the others but it wasn’t his place to say anything. And he didn’t want to because then he’d be taking so many steps backward—something he couldn’t afford because he just felt like he could breathe again.

 

Their pattern continued until their Olympic year. That year the focus was so narrow that they were each other’s lifelines like in the past. Her string of boyfriends ended and his girlfriend all but bowed out of the picture allowing them both the focus that they needed. It had been just like old times, them against the world and for a while, he could pretend that this was what they could have been. 

 

All of the their pain and sacrifices culminated in that fateful trip to Sochi. And that night they gave it their all, holding nothing back. They used the past seventeen years as motivation and on the ice, the way she looked at him, he wondered if she was just a good actress or maybe she did feel the same way, but he’d never know. He knew that when he looked at her—it was never pretend. And it would lead them to their gold.

 

* * *

 

Standing there on the podium, he wondered if it was worth it all. His arm around her, her smile so bright mirroring his own, flowers in their hands—it was everything they dreamed of and yet it felt so hollow. He blamed his own head for taking him back to a time when he could replay those events over and over again. He focused on his own elation, dimmed only slightly by his own torturous thoughts of the past. But in the past few years, he’d become a better actor than before, able to mask his own feelings much better than before.

 

Later that night, the two of them were alone—their families had left them after celebrating and they were sitting in his room, his roommate absent. Her hair was down, her eyes were still bright with excitement and she said, “I could never have done this with anyone other than you. I hope you know that—you’re my best friend and I love you.”

 

He visibly flinched at her words. He wanted to ask her if she really meant it but she continued, “Sometimes, I go back to December…all the time—actually…and I replay it over and over again. I hope you know you’re my first love.” Her tone was too casual, and he could tell the great courage it was taking for her to be honest—even if it was just a little too late.

 

Throat thick, he said, “I know. We both were too young…maybe too immature. And you are my best friend.” His voice faltered before, he added, “I love you too.”

 

She cut him off, “But not the same way anymore. I know. I understand. If I had been smarter, I wouldn’t have…” Her voice was hesitant, “I wouldn’t have walked out the door that night—I would have tried to explain, but I wasn’t. I thought I had all the answers, I thought it was the right decision and I thought it would help us attain our goals. I thought…” Her voice was quiet and she grasped his hand, tracing the back of it with her free one. She drew small lazy circles on his hand, and she looked up at him—her eyes bright with tears and her voice was fierce when she said, “If it had been different, I would have fought. I would still fight, but we—I—decided too much in the past. And I’m sorry.” She kissed his cheek and walked out the door before he could stop her.

 

Sitting on his bed, he was tired—tired of her walking out, tired of her always getting the last word, tired of her looking past him, tired of everything. But he was exhausted. There was nothing he could say or do anymore—she had quit and walked out and it was too late. His exhaustion only led to fretful sleep as he thought about what could have been. And when he awoke the next morning, he was alone once more, and he thought about how **familiar** it was. _And it was a stark reminder that it was too late—that this was his—her—their reality_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a little darker, I promise there are two sides to every story. Next up is Meryl's point of view, which will give more insight into the way her mind works.


	3. Big Girls Don't Cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Long flights home are best passed thinking about how she wished she could change the past and wondering why and if the sacrifices were worth the end result.

_“Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay. I hope you know, I hope you know, that this has nothing to do with you, it’s personal, myself and I, we’ve got some straightening out to do, and I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I’ve got to get a move on with my life, it’s time to be a big girl now and big girls don’t cry.”_

 

Sitting there on the flight back to the U.S. from Russia, Meryl knew that he had to think that she was cold as the ice they skated on. _After all, who after confessing how she regretted the way she ended things—the way she ran like a coward—walks out without allowing him even the chance to process. And who can act like nothing ever happened between them the next day, with a smile plastered on her face, no signs of the tears she’d shed the night before._ She could see that her last words had haunted him the next morning but she never said a word. 

 

She knew that he probably thought she was **crazy** or **cold** and on some level he was right. She was **crazy and cold—she had been so methodical, so unfeeling,** and she knew she wasn’t being fair to him. Looking at him, she could see his eyebrows furrowed and he was pointedly looking away from her—unable to look at her face. She knew why and she accepted it without any criticism—she deserved it after they way she’d been acting towards him.

 

But staring out the window, looking out at the clouds, wispy white and airy, she wondered why she couldn’t articulate to him what she had been feeling. Ever since they were kids, their communication skills had always been above average but when it came to them, in a more romantic sense, why couldn’t she tell him everything that she wanted to say. Her feeble apology had been insufficient and he deserved more, but she couldn’t give him what he wanted and she knew that deep down he knew that too.

 

Taking another covert glance over at him, Charlie looked **sad** and **tired**. They were both so tired, she decided. Unable to look him in the eye, she turned away. She knew he saw her looking at him but he didn’t want to make eye contact with her. Playing with her phone idly, she reminded herself that this what she wanted—or rather chose—but semantics weren’t important, until a flash of gold caught her attention out of the corner of her eye.

 

She placed her phone down and leaned forward. Grabbing her Olympic medal from her purse, which was sitting on the side of her seat, she traced the surface, memorizing every grove and line. This piece of gold hanging on a blue ribbon was what she had worked her entire life for. This medal represented _every fairytale she told herself, it was her storybook ending and it felt different than she’d ever imagined._

 

Examining it, she noted its weight. It was heavier than she had expected and the weight she wondered if it might have been too much, but she wasn’t talking about the physical weight of the medal anymore. It was the weight of her choices, her decisions and her regrets. _Toying with it, she thought about everything this medal represented and how unfulfilled she felt._

 

* * *

 

When Meryl had been a little girl, she had developed an affinity for ice skating, starting from when she began to learn to skate on the pond in her backyard. There was a freedom in being the only person on the ice and she never felt more at home. As a child, she had been shy and quiet so being on the ice made her feel more confident and she felt at ease. Shortly after, she begged her parents for lessons and they had agreed, glad that their little girl had found something that she loved.

 

In the beginning, she dabbled in singles skating, trying to see if she could make it as a singles skater but it was evident that though she was talented, she would never be able to break into the single skating world. It wasn’t like she minded at the time; she was a little girl who was really skating for her own love of the ice. But when she was nine, her coach paired her up with the single most important person in her life, and she didn’t even know it.

 

Even though she was older, he was much more confident. Charlie was loud and bold. He was full of life and energy, and right from the start, she could tell he was annoyed at being paired with a novice to ice dancing. She could barely look him in the eye, preferring to sneak glances up at his face when his head was turned. Studying his features, she memorized the various feelings that flitted across his face when they were skating together.

 

It wasn’t too long after that he realized that she was a pretty good skater and maybe it wasn’t so awful to be paired with her. Inside, she took a lot of pleasure in the knowledge that perhaps he was warming up to her. She wasn’t quite sure why she felt warm inside when she saw the appreciative looks he gave her when she skated flawlessly but she didn’t mind them. After a while, she found herself smiling more around him and beginning to look him in the eye. In return, she found him becoming calmer and not quite as loud, something she appreciated.

 

Their coach had noticed their improved chemistry on the ice and had made a note to watch them as they continued to develop as skaters. He had noted their strengthening bond, something he would never have been able to foresee but he was glad that the two had been matched together. She had a grace on ice that he tried to imitate and he was a powerful skater, something she wanted to become. And watching them each try to emulate each other, he was positive that they’d be so much more than he ever imagined when he first put them together.

 

As they grew older, their skating improved rapidly and their own personalities began to shine through. She felt her confidence brimming whenever he was around and she knew he tried to be a little less loud for her sake. And she really liked that about him, he brought her out of her shell more than she had ever anticipated. She may never win an award for Miss Congeniality, but she felt far more confident and she smiled more. She found herself laughing when he whispered jokes in her ears as they skated and when he made a silly face at her when their coach was speaking.

 

His arrogance and temper had dulled considerably and he had become much more quiet and serious. She still enjoyed his goofy, childlike side but she was glad he was getting more serious. She realized earlier than he did that they had a future together in this business. She’d seen the hushed conversations between their parents and their coach, with murmured words about rapid improvement; special talent, unique partnership and she’d been able to put it together. She hadn’t dared tell him though, unsure how he’d take it since he was still actively participating in hockey among other things, but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t hope he wanted to stay and achieve something great with her.

 

As they grew older, their lives become so entwined; she wondered why they weren’t sick of each other yet. They did just about everything together, eschewing the ideas that boys and girls really couldn’t be friends with each other and turning blindly to each other when they both hit puberty, a time when it seemed many of their peers shunned the ideas of even being relatively close to someone of the opposite sex due to their changing bodies and feelings. But instead, it seemed like their connection had strengthened and they relied on each other like never before. 

 

Their connection was astounding to say the least. Their ability to know exactly how the other was feeling or thinking both on and off the ice was special. Everyone told them how special it was but with childlike innocence, they shrugged it off because to them it was as natural as breathing. She could tell you exactly what he was thinking just by taking a look at his face and he could complete her sentences without any difficulty. 

 

When they were in their junior year of high school, she finally really noticed him. They’d both changed so much from the little kids who barely knew each other on ice to the almost young adults they were. She’d grown up well; her large eyes and pale skin which she’d always hated just a little, had grown into her body and face, giving her a delicate almost fairytale princesslike look that she finally felt like she looked pretty. And he’d grown taller and more handsome but the most noticeable change had been with his personality. He’d always been a confident boy, boarding on arrogance when he was younger but now he oozed charisma. 

 

The first day she really saw him as someone she had been attracted to she could remember clear as day, as if it had happened only yesterday instead of years ago. They had been standing outside in the sun, talking about their upcoming competition. She had been prattling on about their competition that she was nervous about and she couldn’t stop talking. Carelessly, he had shrugged his shoulders, slinging one arm around her before carefully reassuring her that they would be brilliant and impossible to beat. And looking into his eyes, she saw something.

 

Looking at him that day, she saw—really saw—how he was everything to her, how he was able to calm her down with his words and a comforting gesture. And she was floored, she wondered how long she’d harbored those feelings and if perhaps, he could ever return them. But pushing those feelings aside, she was accurately aware that they had bigger goals and those feelings could complicate things. Besides, why would he ever look at her that way when he could have any girl in school or at the rink? She wasn’t the only one who realized how attractive he’d grown and she knew that he’d have no problems getting a date or dates whenever he wanted. So she ignored the fluttering in her heart and forced herself to treat him the same way she had before—telling herself it was for the better.

 

But something had changed and when they finished high school, she knew that those buried feelings had burst to the surface as she realized that maybe they weren’t as unreciprocated as she had previously thought. And that thought excited her even though she was nervous about what it all meant. She hadn’t been able to tell exactly when his feelings had changed but she realized during that summer before they both left for college that there was definitely something more there than she had previously thought.

 

* * *

 

Falling for her best friend is a cliché that she never expected that she would end up subscribing to. They were best friends but partners as well. And therein laid the problem. Being partners created a deeper bond than some couples could ever claim and their partnership rested on them being able to understand each other effortlessly, what if their newfound feelings challenged that partnership.

 

But that didn’t change the fact that they did fall for each other and it had been effortless. She wasn’t quite sure when he fell for her but she could remember the exact day she fell for him. And they danced around it for almost a full year before either of them acted on it. _The coy looks, meaningful touches, and shared smiles_ had been dead giveaways and many had speculated on their relationship status, not quite sure where the two stood with each other and no one was brave enough to ask, so they contented themselves to watching them closely. 

 

Meryl could still remember the day when she realized that her feelings might be returned. It had been right after he broke his ankle foolishly playing hockey and she had been so angry. She rarely became angry, knowing there was little reason to become angry that things that you couldn’t change but that day when she got that call she had been furious and hurt. Did their partnership mean so little to him that he had been able to disregard and throw it away to play with his friends? 

 

But she had swallowed her anger as she became concerned with his health. She realized she could get furious but it wouldn’t accomplish anything. Instead she visited him with a plate of cookies and asked him gently how he was. She could see the devastation in his eyes as he sadly answered all of her questions and she noted the weak smiles he shot her when she looked his way. He looked a little pathetic, torn between sulking and apologizing in his bed, putting on a determined face for her, trying to act as if the pain wasn’t so bad. And she could see how apologetic he was and somehow that was enough.

 

That day, she wanted to ask him, _why he’d done it, was it his way of saying he was done with ice dance—with her._ But she didn’t, she pushed her desperation deep down and watched him and looking at him, she noticed something akin to romantic interest in his eyes. And she had been stunned, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing but in his eyes, she saw something that mirrored her own feelings. When she left that evening, she found herself reevaluating everything that she had previously thought and she couldn’t calm the butterflies in her stomach even if she wanted to.

 

Summer after their high school graduation, he kissed her right before they left for college and it had been everything she had imagined. It felt right and natural, and she wanted him badly that day. She had forsaken all of her methodical plans and thrown all caution into the wind. She had agreed with him that they had to give this—whatever was between them a shot and she had ignored the nagging voice inside her head telling her this could end badly for both of them, because she wanted him.

 

* * *

 

When she was younger, she had dreamed of her fairytale romance. She was positive a handsome prince would sweep her off her feet and they would live happily ever after. It had been a combination of her own naiveté and innocence that had worked out this grand romance. And when she grew older, she still believe in grand romance, maybe without the horse and sword wielding prince but she was still a firm believer in fairytales and romance.

 

Their relationship had been her first romance, and in some ways, she had idealized it. Charlie was her prince in her fantasies and she believed she was the princess. A part of her thought they’d live happily ever after because no one could ever understand her the way he did and they loved each other. **But lost her haze of romantic comedies and fairytales was the truth—love is messy and sometimes, grand romances are little more than a short chapter in a fairytale, and even more ended in tragedy a la _Romeo and Juliet_.**

 

**Five months.** Five months was the duration of their fairytale romance. _Reckless, passionate, turbulent and sweet all crammed into five months._ Falling in love with the one person who knows you better than yourself should have made it easier, but it didn’t. It had been a mutual decision to hide their relationship from their families and friends, citing that they wanted something that solely belonged to them. And at the end of the day, she found herself shutting him out because he wasn’t able to understand her the way he did before. Their team had always been strong because they depended on each other and they could understand each other like no one else but somehow all of it seemed to disappear into thin air and her fears surfaced like never before.

 

Their relationship was far  **more passionate** than she had ever imagined and  **more careless, reckless** than she’d ever imagined. It _was a byproduct of being only eighteen and nineteen and falling head over heals for the other person—engaging in the first real romance they’d ever experienced and it brought heartbreak the way only the first real love could bring._ Perhaps it was because they loved each other so much, they experienced problems and after all the years they spent as partners, they moved too fast, jumping in head first without looking. They alternated between smothering each other with affection to barely being able to speak to each other. It’s not like they fought per say, but they came close several times—the price of passionate love.

 

A direct result was that their skating lacked the earlier chemistry that had made them so famous. They weren’t perfect partners anymore and there was a barrier that seemed bigger than the Great Wall of China between them. Their coaches didn’t really talk about it, preferring to ignore it and hope that the two would work it out on their own. And it wasn’t like they didn’t know and they tried to communicate better but something was fundamentally wrong between them. 

 

What had started with small things had escalated, beginning with her decision to pledge Delta Delta Delta. He couldn’t wrap his head around why she needed to be involved in a Greek organization and she couldn’t explain to him why she felt the need to be there, instead she wanted to ask him why he couldn’t just accept her decision and support her. Their lack of communication stemmed from the fact that they never argued and didn’t know how to fix their problems. In his mind, he believed that everything could be solved by a kiss and she didn’t, but she didn’t tell him that their issues were unable to be kissed away. Instead, she let it stew until she couldn’t handle it.

 

Meryl quit at Christmastime, it was right before finals and all of the pressure was too much. She felt like her head was underwater and she couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know how she was feeling because she didn’t feel like she could share her feeling with him so she did what she decided was best and she left. She walked into his room and told him it was over, that it would better for them to stop seeing each other and he didn’t stop her.

 

Part of her wanted him to stop her, call out her name and pull her into his arms and beg her to stay—like a romantic comedy or a fairytale but fairytales weren’t real life and she was making a real life decision. It wasn’t as if she stopped loving him or she was bored of him, _but she was making the decision that she thought could save their partnership on ice and their friendship because secretly she always knew that this could end in ruin._ So that night when she walked out, she broke her own heart with every step she took away from him, aware that his own was shattering in his room. And she told herself that night that perhaps they’d get another chance and then everything would work out just the way she fantasized.

 

Christmas had been awkward; he was torn between wanting to avoid her and wanting to speak with her but they had muddled through it, far better than she had expected. He was never as good as her at masking his emotions and she could tell he was hurting but she had been pleasantly surprised that by her birthday that everything seemed almost normal between them.

 

They weren’t mature enough to discuss their relationship so they pretended that it had never existed. It made it easier for her to compartmentalize but she could see the looks he gave her when he thought no one was looking, and it hurt her to know that she couldn’t give him what he wanted. So she pushed all of her effort into regaining their close partnership and it seemed to be flourishing, even though she knew it was only on a superficial level but she felt relieved to know that he’d still be there for her and she could be there for him as well. 

 

She knew that barriers between them still existed but this was the best they were going to get for the time being. Some days she longed to tell him what she held back but she knew that she couldn’t—that it could ruin them and all their hard work so she pasted a smile on and focused on skating. And they skated better than ever, until that day in 2008 during the Cup of Russia when everything seemed to fall apart. He had a bad day, skating worse than she’d seen him a very long time. He fell twice and stumbled over twizzles and as soon as they were scored, he fled the scene, leaving her with their disappointed coaches.

 

She followed him to his room, using the key that he gave her and her heart broke for him in that moment. He was a mess; tears streaming down his face and he was lying down on his bed, looking miserable. He didn’t ask her to leave though she could see the internal battle he was waging between asking her to leave and wanting her to stay, so she made his decision easier and sat down next to him, reaching for his hand offering him comfort.

 

Her hand in his broke down all of his barriers and he came undone, ranting about how she should find a new partner and then he delved into the past, brokenly asking her why didn’t she stay. And her own composure cracked on the inside, it was on the tip of her tongue to tell him why, to give him the answer that he so desperately desired but she couldn’t—something held her back. Her throat had been thick and she found herself saying instead, “You know, I am sorry. It wasn’t fair. But we can’t change the past—we can only move forward.” Then she had kissed him, pouring every emotion and all of her passion into that kiss, surprising him and her.

 

That night had been a mistake on her part. She knew as soon as her lips touched his that they had entered the point of no return. They were passionate people but coupled with their careless, reckless actions, there was only one way for it to end and she knew that this time it would be in tragedy. But it didn’t stop her from giving him her all that night and he gave her everything in return. 

 

She felt herself awaken in ways she had never been able to touch before. _Their passion was so hot it burned._ Her hands peeled off his clothes, then running down his chest and back, feeling all of his muscles. His hands were tangled in her hair, kissing her lips until they were swollen and then his fingers trailed down her body, carefully undressing her, treating her like she was the most delicate and precious possession he had. She couldn’t stop her moans as he explored her in ways that she had never let someone before and his own moans gave her a sense of satisfaction and pride that she was the one able to make him feel this way. _It was almost sinful how good that night was for them and they gave each other everything._

 

The next morning, she awoke feeling his arm around her and she studied his face. It was peaceful and perfect in the early light. And she hated herself for what she was about to do, but she did it anyway. She slid out from under his arm and carefully redressed. She pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead and she slipped out the door without leaving a note, only leaving the lingering scent of her perfume mingled with their passion as the only evidence of the night before. 

 

As she walked out the door, she told herself that they had always had such big dreams and if this saved them, then it would be worth it. She knew it was far more cowardly than anything she could have done and that morning at breakfast, she could see the confusion and hurt which bubbled up to the surface each time she made eye contact with him. She pretended like the last night had never happened and if anyone could see inside her, they’d see how heartbreaking it was for her to act this way. He was hurt and angry and he deserved to be, she had no defense except that she really believed she was saving them. He skated better than the day before and they placed third, almost validating her misguided beliefs. 

 

After that, she noticed Charlie made a notable effort to move on from them. He was dating many different women, looking for someone who could make him feel the way they had before until he stumbled on his girlfriend. His girlfriend was beautiful; she would be the first to admit it. A blond princess who matched him in looks and they looked right together—all blond hair and smiles. She knew that she was their competition but even though it made her uncomfortable, **she couldn’t begrudge him his happiness after she’d broken his heart twice already.** She watched him fall for her charms and her caring, sweet nature and it hurt her more than she expected but she kept that smile on her face.

 

She wondered if he hated her sometimes for breaking his heart and forcing him to keep his relationship with his girlfriend under wraps during the competition season so they could see their romance on ice. He made it a point to throw his girlfriend in her face every opportunity he could and she accepted it with a smile and a laugh. She tried her own hand at moving on but none had the staying power of him. Eventually, she gave up deciding to focus solely on their Olympic goals and they were better for it.

 

They won gold in Sochi but she’d never forget his whispered “I love you” to her on ice and the way she returned it. That night after gathering enough liquid courage, she had told him that she was sorry and that if had been different then she wouldn’t have left, but fought. And she left his room before he could even process what she said, she was forever taking the coward’s way out but she couldn’t bear to see the hurt in his eyes anymore.

  
That night, Meryl couldn’t sleep. Instead she thought about the past and how maybe she’d overestimated how important that piece of gold was to them and maybe he would have been the better prize but regrets were just that, regrets. The next morning, she couldn’t meet his eyes instead preferring to look directly at the media and he seemed content to do the same. The rest of their time in Sochi passed in a blur and that’s how they ended up here.

 

* * *

 

Looking at him now, she found herself saying to him softly, “You know if you want to talk about that night…we can.” Her voice startled him out of his deep concentration. He looked up at her, almost in disbelief, trying to read her eyes and emotions.

 

“You’re not going to walk out this time?” Even though his voice was quiet, his tone was almost harsh and he had turned to face her. She was thankful that they were sitting next to each other with none around to really notice what was going on between them. He leaned forward and whispered, “You want to talk? Let’s talk then.”

 

“What do you want to know?” She forced her tone to stay steady as she waited for his response. She felt lightheaded and she could tell all of his emotions were bubbling to surface after being denied for so long. He drew a deep breath, really looking at her face, trying to decide what he wanted to say to her.

 

Swallowing thickly, he caught her eyes and she found herself unable to look away. His voice was broken, almost too sad, when he said, _“Why did you have to leave? Why do you always leave me? I’ve gotten pretty used to it by now but why? Was I never good enough—we’re we not good enough?”_   The pain was evident in his voice and his tone was rough.

 

Looking at him, she knew there were so many different answers she could give him in that moment. She could tell him about her own beliefs about their crumbling partnership and her misguided attempts to set it to rights by leaving him, or she could tell him that it was for their own good. She could even tell him that she still loved him and that she thought they’d get another chance down the road but nothing seemed to be enough. There wasn’t an answer that would give him what he wanted and she knew it. Taking a sip of her water, she looked at him. His face was serious and hurt and she hated that she hurt him with her actions. Closing her eyes gently, she rubbed her temple before considering what answer would be best.

 

Finally, Meryl answered him, her voice barely louder than a whisper before she said,  **“Sometimes the princess doesn’t end up with the prince. Sometimes they don't get to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Sometimes we don’t get fairytale endings.”**  Her answer would confuse him and it was a far more cryptic answer than he deserved or asked for. Closing her eyes, she turned away from him, because she knew that nothing she could say would give him the answer he sought as she listened to him let out a string of curses under his breath before he turned away as well. Trying to fall asleep, she realized how long a flight this was shaping up to be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we will be moving away from the Olympics and into DWTS. Haven't decided whose POV the next chapter should be written from. So drop me a review and let me know who you want to hear it from first.


	4. You Think You Know Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New experiences can lead to more of the same. Sometimes even the most patient people realize that they could be waiting forever.

_“Yeah it could have been a long walk talk to fix this. The seas were getting rough but I thought we were worth it, worth a try, worth a fight, shows you what I know, yeah. Every late night call, every morning kiss, all “I can’t live without yous” and you say goodbye like this. Don’t you understand? Do you even care? If you loved me like you said you did well you’d still be standing here. Tell me where did you go when the lights came up? I don’t even know you anymore. You’re holding a knife I could see things better, yeah, you’ve done this before, you think you know somebody. ”_

 

It had been a few weeks since he’d really spoken with after that debacle on the plane. He’d never hated her more in that moment with her cryptic answer that only seemed to know what it really meant and her persistence to keep him from the truth. When he did see her, she seemed fine—happy, laughing with smiles that betrayed nothing. And those days, he longed to shout at her, did it mean nothing? Did he mean nothing to her? But he didn’t, he just couldn’t. 

 

Instead Charlie devoted himself to his girlfriend like never before, making all thoughts of her try to disappear but Meryl was everywhere and nowhere all at once. His girlfriend appreciated his renewed focus on their relationship but the small side-glances she’d give him told him that she was aware something was off with him. And he almost confessed, on the spot, after a rather pointed “are you ok” from her.

 

Instead of coming clean, he forced that stupid grin that he’d perfected a few years earlier and told her “it was just the stress.” Truthfully he had been feeling stressed since they returned from Sochi and he hadn’t been sleeping well. Her sympathetic smile and soft eyes made him feel guiltier than he had in a while. Sometimes, he wondered when he had gotten so lucky as to be blessed with her. She was everything he could have asked for—supportive, smart, beautiful and kind, but she’d never be enough. And it killed him that even though she was everything he had wanted in a partner that she still wasn’t enough for him. 

 

That night in their bed, in their house, he made love to her, gently, tenderly; trying to show her how much he loved her. Afterwards, he lay awake, stroking her hair with one hand with her head lying on his chest. Listening to her gentle breathing as she slept peacefully, he looked down at her. She had the face of an angel and the patience of a saint and he loved her—but not the same way, never the same way as the one before her. She didn’t deserve half of his heart but he could never give her it all, not when he’d first have to reclaim it from her. And he was selfish; he needed them both so badly that he’d take what he could get from them.

 

The next morning, Charlie got a call from someone from Dancing with the Stars and he accepted. He knew that this was precisely the type of distraction that he needed. He was well aware his partner was going to be doing the show as well, they were a packaged deal and why not capitalize over their seventeen year partnership being severed on national TV for ratings. He couldn’t bring himself to call her so he texted her about their stint receiving a carefully crafted and perfectly correct response from her which left him frustrated and tired.

 

Storming into his room, thankful his girlfriend was gone, he raged. Could she drop the façade of perfection and indifference for once? Out loud, he whispered, “Sometimes I wonder if it was just a dream—or a nightmare. Sometimes I wish I never would have fallen in love with her.” Sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands, he told himself, “You have a great life, a wonderful girlfriend, supportive family and whatever happened in the past is the past.” Repeating that didn’t make it easier, instead he wondered if he ever really knew her before admitting how ludicrous it sounded—they had been friends and partners for seventeen years.

 

But there he wondered if she loved him as much as she claimed, how could she deny him closure or answers. And it was wrong of her but didn’t hate her, couldn’t ever really hate her. Pulling himself together, he left the room and tried to close the door on his past. Walking downstairs, he turned on the TV waiting for his girlfriend to come home so he could share the good news with her. They had been talking about the possibility of him doing the show for a while and she wanted him to experience new things, so she’d probably be pleased even if it meant she saw him less. 

 

Sitting there, he wondered why she couldn’t just come with him to L.A., it would help him and she would love it. And it would reinforce his own need to stay as far away from his partner as possible. Using her as a barrier was wrong but he justified it as doing something that she would enjoy. He loved her enough to want her there, even if his intentions were entirely pure. He saw the look of excitement on her face when he proposed the idea and he knew it was the right one. 

 

He texted Meryl to say that he was bringing his girlfriend out to L.A. with them and he didn’t receive a response. Finally he felt like he received an honest answer from her even though it was a non-answer. The lack of her reply felt more genuine than any answer she’d given him recently and he didn’t him the time, patience, or energy to try and decipher another fairytale response from her. They were too old to believe in fairytales and he hadn’t watched one of those since he was a child when his older sisters controlled the TV but despite that he fell asleep dreaming about “once upon a times” and “happily ever afters” with her face haunting his dreams.

 

* * *

 

By the time it was to fly out to L.A. to meet their partners, he had developed an improved relationship with his partner. They were talking on a somewhat frequent basis and had managed to make some future plans, which included sitting out the 2014-2015 season and committing to Stars on Ice. It had been a mutual decision, and he was glad for the break because he needed space and he would finally be able to have it once Dancing with the Stars and Stars on Ice wrapped up. Only a few months longer, he told himself. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could continue on with their charade and frankly it was exhausting him too much to try and decipher every word she spoke and every action she made.

 

She looked beautiful when she met him at the airport, her hair was down and her smile seemed brighter when she saw him. He couldn’t stop the fluttering in his heart when he saw her and he cursed his own lack of self-control. How was it with one look she could put him back to the teenager who had been head over heels for her? Giving her a smile, he hugged her close and he could smell her perfume and it took him back to that night in Russia. She hadn’t changed her perfume since then and he wondered if she did these things just to torture him, to bring him back to the best and worst twenty four hours of his life.

 

He heard her whispered, “hi, I miss you” into his neck. And he found his arms holding her tighter. He just squeezed her tighter, not able to repeat back the sentiment no matter how true. A delicate cough came from her after a few minutes longer and he knew that it was his cue to let go of her. Reluctantly he let go of her and he looked at her face before saying, “Hi.” 

 

Taking his arm, she smiled and dragged him towards the terminal. Her soft voice said, “Come on, we’re going to be late. Planes don’t wait for anyone, not even Olympic gold medalists.” Her tone was light and her smile seemed genuine. She asked sweetly, “Is she coming with you?” He knew exactly who she was referring to and he looked for any sign of something—anything, any emotion on her face but he was disappointed once more.

 

His voice was almost a little too cool when he replied, “No, she won’t come out until the week before the premiere. Besides we’re only here for a few days—it’s just to meet our partners and take some promo stuff.” She noticed his tense tone and declined to push him further, she knew his limits and it seemed today that she was already close to pushing them. She remained quiet allowing the two of them to make their way through security and towards their gate.

 

Looking at him, she wanted to apologize but instead she asked him, “Who do you think your partner is going to be?” They were preparing to board the plane and he seemed nervous fiddling with his suitcase, looking down at his hands and he just shrugged noncommittally.

 

He could feel her eyes on him and he answered her unasked question. “I’m fine.” His voice was sharp before he softened his tone and said, “Maybe a little.” He gave her a small smile. He hesitated before adding, “It’s different. Dancing with a partner whose not…you.” Her eyes softened and she grasped his hand and squeezed it gently.

 

“But it’ll be fun.” She said with a smile. “Besides, we’ll still be skating together for Stars on Ice. And who knows, if we make it far enough, maybe we’ll be able to dance with each other at some point in the show!” Her voice was all cheeriness and he wondered why she seemed so much more excited about than he was.

 

Wasn’t she worried about being completely awful with a different partner? Or wasn’t she worried about not liking her new partner? He wondered what if she had greater success or chemistry with her new partner. He knew he was reading far too much into her answers but these were the thoughts he couldn’t just shake no matter what he wanted. When he didn’t respond, she got the hint and suddenly became interested in her phone.

 

Their flight passed in near silence with her nose in a book and his attempts to sleep. The silence was heavy and the tension between them was visible—to him at least but she didn’t appear to acknowledge or care about it. When his eyes were closed, he imagined an alternate plane ride where she told him the truths she denied him for so long and where he was able to articulate his own confused feelings to her. In a perfect world, they would be able to tell each other everything like when they were children. But they were stagnant and no matter how many times they pretended and made superficial gains in partnership, it wasn’t the same. It hadn’t been the same—no matter how close they appear—since she left that cold wintery night and he hadn’t chased after her.

 

When they landed in L.A., he managed to regain some type of good humor. He even managed to smile and talk to her without feeling like he wanted to scream or shout at her. He could tell she appreciated his attempts at improving his own attitude and his shortness earlier didn’t seem to dim her own excitement. Her eyes were bright with the excitement as they headed towards the studio after renting a car for the next few days they were in L.A.

 

His own nerves started to calm a little as he watched her face. He was used to her being the more nervous and more reserved person in their partnership and he appreciated the role reversal. Her smile could still light up a room and he found himself smiling along with her and they were actually talking to each other. And he didn’t feel angry with her in that moment because it felt so good to be here with his best friend, his partner, his first love. And he knew that no matter how much he claimed he hated her or how angry he ever became, it would never last because she was the only person who knew him inside and out, the only person who could understand him better than himself.

 

The studio looked unassuming from the outside, just a building with very little decoration. And as they entered, he wondered who his partner could be. He hoped for someone who would at least be a good teacher. He knew that his skating was powerful but it didn’t match the grace his partner brought to the ice. They were the perfect pair because of their strengths and weakness balanced each other out. Would his new partner make him feel at ease the way his current did, even when times were tough—especially when times were tough. Well only one way to find out, he thought as he shot her his best smile and waited for further instructions.

 

The first thing he noticed when the door opened was that she tensed next to him, showing that maybe she was just a little more nervous than she let on which comforted him. His eyes were trained to the door as they waited to see who would enter. When it was only an assistant from the show, he relaxed. 

 

She was a thin brunette, carrying a clipboard and wearing a headset and a Dancing with the Stars tee shirt. She introduced herself then greeted them saying, “So glad you’re both here. You’ll meet your partners in a few minutes but we have to get you to the right rooms. After you meet them, we want to do some promotional pictures so we have costumes ready and then you can meet the rest of the cast for lunch. And of course tomorrow, we have the reveal on GMA but you’ll get further instructions about that later.” She flashed them a wide smile that promised that she knew more than she was letting on. “We’re so pleased you decided to join us for season 18, it’s going to be great. And we do hope you like your partners.” 

 

He watched Meryl reply with a polite, “We’re so thrilled that you thought of asking us to join and we’re so happy to be here. It’s going to be fun.” He marveled at her grace before he nodded smiling. He was more than content to let her take the lead with the show producers and staff; she was by far the more polished of the two of them. His smile became wider when he felt her hand slip into his as she gave it a quick and affectionate squeeze before she let go, unwilling to intrigue the producer anymore than their history would allow.

 

“Fantastic, well if you follow me, I’ll lead you to the right rooms so you can get to meet who you’ll be dancing with.” She smiled wider as she led them down the hallways, prattling on about the show and pointing out everything; he was well aware he should be listening to her but he wasn’t instead he was focusing on something different—his partner. He looked at his partner whose smile had yet to leave her face and he noticed that no matter how cool she was trying to play it, she was a little nervous—she was wearing her performance smile. He wanted to reach out to her, to let her know he was just as nervous but they had stopped and he was vaguely aware of the producer telling his partner this was her room.

 

He watched her smile at him and hug him, before whispering gently, “Good luck, partner. Just remember we’ll always be partners.” He squeezed her tighter for just a second before releasing her as she gave him another encouraging smile. He heard her laugh gently as she took in his slightly terrorized face. Before he heard her say louder, for his and the producer’s benefit, “I’ll see you soon, partner. Team Davis-White forever.” And with one more bright smile, she gently nudged him towards the assistant who had grinned at her words and was already headed down the hallway.

 

He jogged to catch up with her but he couldn’t stop himself from turning back once more as he watched her open the door and enter the room, meeting her new partner. He tried to focus once more on the assistant’s words but he found himself entreating thoughts about his new dance partner. He wondered who it would be and he wasn’t exactly a regular viewer of the program so he wasn’t even sure which female pro he’d be paired with. And he hoped he wouldn’t be the worst dancer on the show, which could be a possibility since despite popular belief ice dancing and ballroom dancing was not the same thing. Besides, he had always danced with her; maybe he wouldn’t be nearly as good with anyone else.

 

He counted to ten in his head before he opened the door. Smiling as brightly as he could he opened the door and said, “Hello!” He saw a woman with long reddish brown hair in a white shirt and jeans wearing high heels squeal “oh my God!” He belated realized that this was Sharna Burgess, he recognized her face from the pictures his girlfriend had made him look at before he left so he would have so recollection of who he would be partnering up with for however long he was on the show.

 

They hugged and he could tell she was thrilled and he found himself relaxing instantly. She was extremely welcoming and friendly. He couldn’t quite place her accent but he found it charming as she said, “I’m about the luckiest girl on the planet.” She was still smiling broadly, she added, “You and Meryl are competing against each other for the first time—in what seventeen years?”

 

And so it begins, he thought. He felt his hands inadvertently clench into fists as he replied, “Yes, seventeen years. Both Meryl and I are extremely competitive, so neither one of us will want to lose to the other.” She smiled at that and nodded her head. 

 

“Excellent, I don’t know about you but I’m ready to win.” He grinned back at her and they made their way to sit down as they started talking. The cameras had shut off and it was really just the two of them. He learned that she was from Australia and she had been with Dancing with the Stars for a few seasons. She had joined in season 13 as part of the troupe but she had been a pro since season 16. He found himself opening up to her and liking how easily the two were able to talk. They bonded over having serious significant others and that itself made him feel more comfortable.

 

Someone knocked on the door and they poked their head in telling them it was time to go get changed before the pictures. He wanted to ask Sharna if she knew who his partner’s partner was but he couldn’t bring himself to actually speak the words that lay on the tip of his tongue. He knew that they both knew Derek Hough from the time he helped choreograph their short dance and he wondered if the producers would choose him just because they already had some history with each other. He knew he’d see shortly so instead he followed another assistant towards wardrobe where he was given his costume for the pictures. 

 

At least it wasn’t anything outlandish, he thought as he slipped into the blue shirt with black pants and bowtie. He had seen some of those costumes when his girlfriend asked him to watch with her and he wasn’t looking forward to it at all. Stepping outside, he looked around, recognizing some of the dancers and celebrities. But he still didn’t see the one he was looking for so he sat down next to one of the male celebrities—James Maslow from Big Time Rush, introduced himself. They started conversing and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sharna enter dressed in gold with a blonde dressed in pink, who James informed him was Peta, his partner. 

 

As the two stood to go greet their partners, he was stunned to see his partner of seventeen years enter dressed in a short pink dress with the highest heels he’d ever seen her wear before. He was so distracted by her attire he didn’t even look at the man standing close to her, almost protectively dressed in dark pants and a dusty red shirt. He heard someone let out a low whistle next to him but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her petite form. She was smiling and gently smoothing out one side of her dress that seemed to ride up until the man next her took her hand and stilled her movements. That’s when he got a real good look at the man next to her. He was what his girlfriend would call the definition of tall, dark and handsome. He towered over his petite partner and one of his free hands seemed to be inching towards her waist.

 

He didn’t notice that his new dance partner had sidled up next to him and was observing his face. Her voice startled him as she remarked, “They look good together.” He looked over at her and his confusion must have been palpable. “Meryl and Maks—Maksim Chmerkovskiy.” She smiled once more at his frown and questioning look before elaborating, “He’s an old pro who took a few seasons off but before he’d been on the show for ages. He’s never won though.” She added almost thoughtfully, implying that it might not have been any fault of his but rather his pervious partners. “He’s very good and very demanding. They’ll be tough to beat.” 

 

He couldn’t stop watching them. She looked happy and her partner was definitely pleased with his new partner. He couldn’t stop touching her and she didn’t even seem to mind. He could see everyone else interacting with his or her partners trying out poses and he had to force himself to try out a few with Sharna. But he kept one eye on the two over in the corner with another male pro and his partner, who he was informed was Maks’ younger brother, Valentin Chmerkovskiy and his partner Danica McKellar. Both brothers seemed touchy feely but Maks was much freer with his affection and he didn’t like the way he was looking at his partner.

 

He watched the two take pictures, his partner hanging off of her new one, his hands all over her. That smirk drove him crazy as he watched his stroke his partner’s bare skin with one hand and he abhorred the way she was looking at him—she was looking at him like she could be interested and even though he was the only one who could tell, it drove him crazy. He wanted to go over and drag him off of her but he resisted the urge. He feigned interest in whatever his new partner was saying to him but he couldn’t stop thinking about the two in the corner. 

 

She was giggling now as her partner whispered something in her ear that caused a slight blush to color her cheeks. He remembered when he was only one who was able to make her laugh and he could admit it he was jealous. He was noticeably quieter after that and Sharna just observed him, with a half pitying, half sympathetic look on her face as comprehension dawned on. She managed to introduce him to a few more pros and he was able to take his mind off the couple posing. Finally, the photographer was through with them and called over the next pair.

 

As he and Sharna walked over, barely making eye contact with the other two as they made their way over to his brother and partner. He knew that she had been looking at his face, trying to make eye contact but he ignored her. As petty and childish as it was, he didn’t want her to see his face and maybe he did want to hurt her just a little. As he put on his greatest fake smile and held his new partner. They posed with her in his arms, her leaning against him, experimenting with levels before the photographer decided he’d had enough shots of them. He hugged Sharna tight after they finished and she gave him a smile. He felt Meryl’s eyes on them but he ignored them walking back over to James and Peta.

 

At lunch, he seated himself away from her and ignored her, instead trying to get to know the rest of the cast. He justified it, telling himself that he needed to meet everyone and start trying to befriend the others or at least try to assess the competition. It’s not like she seemed to be too upset, she was busy talking with Danica, Val, Maks, Mark and Candice down the table. Talking to the other celebrities, he found himself enjoying learning about them and was glad to hear he wasn’t the only one a little nervous.

 

After lunch, the partners split up and he spent some more time with Sharna talking about his own schedule and the demands he had with Stars on Ice and how they would schedule rehearsal practice. She seemed genuinely thrilled and excited to work with him, and he appreciated her easygoing humor and happy nature. Even if she wasn’t the girl who had always been his partner, he had a feeling they would have a good time together and just maybe they’d be able to bring home that trophy.

 

As fate would have it, he and his ice dancing partner were both leaving at the same time. He watched her kiss her new partner’s cheek and embrace him before promising to text him tomorrow. She smiled at him and he couldn’t help but a twinge of jealously deep down. But he kept his smile on his face and when she saw him, her smile got wider and she greeted him. He could tell she was trying to decide if she should introduce him to her new partner but he took the question out of her hands before she could even contemplate the idea. He found himself reaching a hand out to her new partner, saying “Hi, I’m Charlie, her other partner. We didn’t get a chance to meet earlier.”

 

Her new partner’s grip was firm and his Eastern-European accent seemed stronger when he replied, “Maksim—but everyone calls me Maks. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Charlie. Meryl’s told me a lot about you.” He grinned at him before adding, “It’s going to be a great working with her. I hope you’re prepared to lose.” He smiled wider and winked at them. Charlie knew his eyes had widened and his smile had faded a little. It seemed her new partner was pretty confidant as well as attractive. After a few more minutes of small talk, her new partner excused himself before kissing her cheek once more and shaking his hand once more.

 

As they made their way down to the car, he noticed she seemed to be trying to decide what to say to him. Instead he said, “I didn’t get a chance to introduce you to Sharna earlier.”

 

As they climbed into the car, he waited for her response. “I can’t wait to meet her tomorrow. I hear she’s really great—Maks and Val were raving about her earlier.” She smiled at him, her eyes smiling and she toyed with her phone.

 

“Well, I would have done it earlier but you seemed,” he cleared his throat, “seemed a little preoccupied.” She noted his pointed tone and carefully observed him. His hands were gripping the steering wheel a little too tight and his jaw seemed a little tense.

 

She said finally, “You were too.” Her voice was quiet. “I was trying to meet new people and you seemed to make plenty of new friends on your own.” Her voice became a little louder, “Surely you can’t be upset about me doing the same.” With a toss of her hair, she continued, “We do have to get to know our new partners some.”

 

He felt a lump in his throat form and he didn’t respond so they spent the rest of the ride in silence. When they finally pulled up to the hotel, he watched her compose herself and smile at one of the hotel attendants who rushed up to open her door. She thanked him quietly before she grabbed her luggage from the car, waving off his attempts to help her. She didn’t wait for him as she walked into the hotel to check in. He knew he deserved her cold shoulder, but he didn’t want to deal with it. So after handing his keys to the valet, he grabbed his suitcase and followed her.

 

She was already gone when he got in and he was thankful that the concierge was able to check him in so quickly. Making his way to his room, once he entered he dropped his bag and flopped back into his bed, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. He felt a headache coming on but he grabbed his phone and called his girlfriend, whom he knew was eagerly awaiting his call.

 

She picked up on the first ring and her voice made him smile. “Hi babe,” her voice was bright and excited. “How was it? Who’s your partner?!”

 

“It’s going to be fun and Sharna.” He said and he winced she started squealing about how much she loved her and how great it was that he was partnered with her. When she finally drew a breath, he asked as casually as he could manage, “So what do you know about a Maksim Chmerkovskiy?”

 

Her voice was excited as she replied, “Oh, the bad boy of ballroom?” He felt his heart sink a little—he fell into her type almost _too_ perfectly. “Tall, dark and handsome with a bit of a bad boy attitude. He’s got quite the way around the ladies—it’s rumored that he’s dated most of the female pros on the show.” She continued on, “He was engaged to Karina and he dated Peta. But he hasn’t been on the show recently.” His girlfriend actually was a fairly dedicated watcher of the show after her ex-boyfriend, Evan Lysacek, had been on it.

 

He broke in, interrupting her, “He’s Meryl’s partner.” He heard her say “wow” before talking about how interesting that would be and how she would adapt to it—fairly well if he didn’t say so himself. He switched gears, talking about the other pros he met and the celebs, which she listened to with rapt attention and eventually she told him about her day. When he glanced over at the clock he realized they’d been on the phone for over and hour and he was exhausted, so he told her he loved her and bid her goodnight.

 

But instead of going to bed like he claimed, he pulled out his laptop and connected to the Internet. He looked up Maksim Chmerkovskiy. And then he wished he never did. Article after article detailing how attractive he was and his romantic entanglements. Plus there was even some stuff about his temper and attitude. As much as he wanted to put it down, he couldn’t stop reading about him—he was addicted to learning about the new partner in her life. And eventually, he felt like his head was going to explode so he closed his laptop with a bang and leaned back into his bed. As he closed his eyes, his last coherent thought before he fell asleep was that he was screwed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been busy with so many things. I'm working on the next chapter and hope to have it up in the next two weeks. It's going to be from her perspective before we start diversifying a little, probably Maks or Tanith chapter. As always enjoy and review.


	5. Wildest Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe sometimes all you need is a good distraction at the end of the day.

_“I thought heaven can’t help me now, nothing lasts forever but this is going to take me down. He's so tall, and handsome as hell, he’s so bad but he does it so well. I can see the end as soon as it begins, my one condition is say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset, babe, red lips and rosy cheeks. Say you’ll see me again even if it’s just in your wildest dreams.”_

 

He was pissed off at her. That much was obvious after his sharp responses to her in the airport and she knew it wasn’t just nerves, he was still angry about everything that happened on that ride from Sochi. He had kept his distance from her and it seemed as if every opportunity he avoided her. She told herself he just needed space and time apart because they were always together for over a year preparing for the Olympics and now that it was finished, they need time apart.

 

They had decided to do Dancing with the Stars, something that made her more excited than him, precisely because it would give them a chance to do something different. And it would give him space—her space, give them time to think, and time to figure out where to go from here. She would have been a fool not to notice the look of relief on his face when she suggested that they take the season off to relax and pretended that it didn’t hurt so badly when he agreed so easily, without nary a fight or protest. She told herself, it was wrong of her to feel this way—after all she’d been the one to set him (and herself) free so many years ago and she didn’t have any right to that irrational jealousy that bubbled up when she saw him with his girlfriend or when he talked about her openly now in interviews.

 

She would have been lying to say that a part of her would never get over him—maybe she wasn’t over him even now and she had lost her right to him such a long time ago (hello that morning during Cup of Russia). But she still loved him and she wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. So she accepted his need for time away from her and devoted herself to her family, being the daughter that she never could when she was training all the time and the sister, her brother needed. She even talked to their coach about coming by a few times to help out but she never made it because being on the ice without him felt wrong—and lonely.

 

When he texted her to let her know that he was bringing his girlfriend out to the show, she wouldn't deny that she had been hurt and it had been completely irrational of her. The rational part of her knew that this was perfectly rational: they had been denied so much time together because of their competing, it made sense why he wanted her there. But that didn't stop it from cutting her deeper than she expected, because this was supposed to be about celebrating **their win** and he was brining  **her** along. And she should have expected it, because he loved her and why shouldn’t he want to spend more time with her. She hadn’t responded because there’d been nothing to say, haven’t they said it all by now? She was only too aware her answers and responses were insufficient and her silence was probably more honest than any cryptic fairytale based answers she had given him.

 

When she saw him at the airport a few weeks later, he was tense and sharp with his words, so she pretty much gave up any form of rational conversation with him after a few minutes. She could tell she had pushed his buttons with her question about his girlfriend—and it wasn’t like she was digging for answers but she was just curious if she was going to be here since she was a huge fan of the show. And the plane ride had passed without any further dialogue. She tried to catch up on some reading while he slept. But no matter how many pages she “read,” she couldn’t help but think about that plane ride _where she all but broke his heart all over again._

 

Shaking her head, she told herself to get a grip. He had obviously moved on and he was doing fine in life. She had moved on—or at least tried to and it wasn’t fair for her to keep blowing up his world every opportunity she got. She may have her regrets but they were her burdens to bear, he’d already paid the price for her foolishness and stupidity. In short, it was an awfully long trip out to L.A. And she just couldn’t shake the regrets that replayed in her mind in slow motion whenever she lost just an iota of focus on her book. Once or twice, she snuck a look over at him but he seemed to be sleeping fairly peacefully and she wondered if she could try the same but she remembered how he haunted her dreams before refocusing on her book.

 

When they landed, she noted that the nap seemed to have helped him and he was chatting with her like old times. She couldn’t stop the warmth that spread through her body when he smiled at her. She could tell he was far more nervous than her for once and she marveled at the role reversal. She wasn’t as used to being the strong one in their partnership and it was almost funny to see his nerves surface. He seemed a little more excited now for the experience and she thought maybe we can go back to a time when everything was simpler, after all it seems like our strong friendship is still no matter the rough spots.

* * *

As they headed towards the studio, she couldn’t help her excitement. The anticipation was killing her—she was dying to know who her new partner was going to be. And she found herself talking his ear off in the car ride because of her nervous excitement. She noted that soft smile on his face that she loved and she knew that she was relaxing him. He contributed very little to the conversation on the drive but she felt happy that he wasn’t too angry any more.

 

When they reached the studio, he was smiling and laughing along with her. And from the outside the studio looked pretty ordinary, just a building with the show’s name on the outside. She wanted to reach for his hand when they entered to remind him she’d always be his partner and his best friend but she didn’t. She wasn’t sure how he’d receive her attempt at comfort and she didn’t want to undo the progress that had been made today. She could read his face so easily she knew he was thinking about their new partners. And even she would admit she was scared to be dancing with a new partner—she ad Charlie completed each other in ways that others couldn’t and it was terrifying to not have him to lean on and lead when she needed him.

 

It was going to be such a different experience than she was used to that a part of her wanted to revert to the shy little girl she once had been but she was stronger than that. She wanted to do this—she wanted to do something different, challenge herself, see what she could do without him, see if she could still be something without her other half. Because she had no doubt that in a little while, she’d have to learn how to do without him for good—even if they were still skating together. He was serious about his girlfriend and there was no room for three people in a marriage. But she didn’t want to dwell on that though and with that she squared her shoulders and put on her best smile because she was excited and no nerves were going to take that away from her.

 

She found herself engaging in small talk with him about the show, and she felt a pang of regret hit her with each of his quiet answers. She regretted everything that had happened between them—it was her fault even if they both shared the blame on some level. But she missed him. It was hardly fair of her to be upset but he was her best friend. They’d always been there for each other but now the distance was frightening. But he was smiling at her and it encouraged her to keep trying because one day they’d be back to the way it was eventually—hopefully.

 

As they approached the studio, she took a moment to study his face. It seemed more serious, less happy than she expected. She thought he’d be more than excited to be involved in the show, especially since his girlfriend had been such a huge fan of the show. But one look at his face told her was nervous about his new partner.  No matter how distant they were—they were always able to read each other like a book. She wanted to take his hand and tell him not to worry but she stopped herself, again—she couldn’t bear if he pushed her away or worse he didn’t want her comfort. Deep down, she knew he had to resent her and maybe she resented him, just a little for letting her go that night but it was water under the bridge—or so she told herself.

 

The assistant was bright eyed and excited as she babbled on to the two of them. She noted the woman’s gaze seemed to linger a little too long on her partner. She felt the old familiar twinge of jealousy but she pushed it deep down and offered her biggest smile. Charlie wasn’t even noticing the woman’s disappointment when he didn’t return her smile, he was distractedly looking around trying to get his bearings or find some composure—she wasn’t quite sure.

 

Like always, she found herself stepping to save him, as the woman looked expectantly towards Charlie who offered no reply or even indication that he heard her introduction. The woman hid her disappointment with a small smile flashed in her direction as she continued to talk about the season and cast. She couldn’t help herself for looking around, imaging how this whole experience was going to play out. Somehow lost in her thoughts, her hand found Charlie’s and squeezed it gently. It was almost like a reflex and she let go quickly, before either the producer had time to see or he released her hand.

 

The assistant lead them down the hallway pointing out various things and she found her best performance smile plastered to her face. No matter how excited she was, the butterflies in her stomach wouldn’t lie still. She felt his eyes watching her and she didn’t meet them, focusing instead on her thoughts, reminding herself to relax and how fun this whole experience was going to be. She wondered if he was going to say something or just continue to stare at her with a conflicted look his face. But the assistant stopped in front of a door and smiling brightly said, “This is you, Meryl.”

 

She smiled and thanked the woman before looking at her partner of over seventeen years. Instead of saying anything, she reached towards him, pulling him tightly into a hug and she whispered on tiptoes, “Good luck, partner. Just remember we’ll always be partners.” She felt him hold her closer for a second before reluctantly releasing her. And as she stepped back she could read the terror and uncertainty on his face and she laughed softly. But instead of saying anything about it she said loudly, “I’ll see you soon, partner. Team Davis-White forever.” With a gentle push, she sent him running to catch up with the assistant who had smiled and started walking briskly down the hallway unaware he was still standing, almost paralyzed in front of her.

 

She turned away stood in front of the door, as many wild thoughts tore through her mind. It was positively exciting and terrifying not knowing who was behind the door—especially since cameras would be there to catch her every emotion on the screen. Despite the increased spotlight, she was a private person. She didn’t like putting her emotions on display for everyone to see—it was a challenge and she had wanted to challenge herself, to see what she could do. Squaring her shoulders, she closed her eyes and exhaled. Opening her eyes, she placed a hand on the doorknob and entered, saying “Hello!”

 

The first thing she noticed was a very tall, very muscular man with dark hair. She vaguely recognized him as being someone who she’d seen a picture of once—maybe from her partner’s girlfriend who had been eagerly and excitedly filling her in on everything and everyone she knew of on the show for their season. He was smiling, almost laughing as he clapped his hands together in excitement. She walked forward saying, “It’s so nice to meet you,” even though for the life her she couldn’t remember his name—nor had he offered it yet. He took her hands in his and they kissed each other’s cheeks as a greeting. He offered the same greeting and up close she noticed just how tall he was.

 

He hugged her and then it hit her—Maks was the name, Maksim Chmerkovskiy to be exact. She could tell by his accent that he was Eastern European—maybe Russian she wondered. And looking at him, she couldn’t help but note that he was very attractive—and it hit her, he was her type. She thought about laughing but knew how impolite it would be. Instead she smiled and he said, “Well, I love you and I would love to marry you, but I need to know if you and Charlie are not dating first.” She couldn’t stop herself from laughing this time. As he continued on, she smiled at him.

 

“No we’re not—definitely not.” She said with a smile. Those words cut a little and she forced herself to continue to play it off as a joke. He smiled and said “Good.” And she realized that this was going to be the beginning of a very interesting relationship. He was funny and was he flirting with her, she wondered.

 

As soon as the cameras left, he smiled and said, “I love you, I love watching you skate. I’m very surprised that they paired us together—but very excited.” He flashed her a smile that she was sure made girls go weak at the knees all the time. Get it together Meryl, she chided herself as her face began to heat—so what if he’s attractive, you have seen attractive men before.

 

“I’m pretty excited myself. I’ve always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance.” She added with a smile as he gestured towards the chairs and they starting chatting easily. She learned he was Ukrainian and had been away from the show before deciding to return this season, which was why he was so surprised he was paired with her. He sounded so serious when he said he got the best partner made her laugh and she couldn’t help but admire his easy charm and charisma. 

 

As the conversations started moving more towards their personal lives, she found herself flushing. He told her he was single and wanted to know if he’d have some jealous boyfriend ready to beat him up if got a little too personal with her. He made it out to be a joke but she could see the real question underneath and her stomach curled just a little. Maybe he was the exact kind of distraction she needed. Shaking her head no, she found herself looking up at him from under her lashes and she was a little surprised by her own reaction.

 

After talking to him for a just a little while she could tell he was motivated, charismatic and a complete flirt. She didn’t feel nearly as guilty as she thought she would while she was flirting with him, because she had the feeling that this was his personality. She knew that she was in for a wild ride for the next few weeks with him and she liked the danger he presented. He was different—fun and a welcome distraction from what she couldn’t have.

 

Someone finally popped their head in to tell them to head towards wardrobe to get their outfits for the promo pictures. She couldn’t help how wide her eyes were when she saw her new dress. It was short and pink with a tall pair of heels. She felt more exposed than she had when wearing her costumes. But she told herself, this is just part of the experience.

 

While waiting for her new partner she found herself smoothing down the skirt of the dress until her new partner walked up and took her hand away, stilling the movement. He gave her a sly smile and she blushed. She noticed another couple approaching them and she found herself introduced to Maks’ younger brother, Valentin, and his partner, Danica McKellar. Val was of the same mold as Maks—hugging her tightly when he first met her and she enjoyed their openness.

 

The two were fairly amusing together as well. Though it was obvious Maks was the older brother, both leaned on each other and Val was definitely mischievous. Val managed to turn just about everything Maks said into a sexual innuendo while Maks pretended to be annoyed by him. She found herself enjoying Val and Dancia’s company, Danica was so nice and she seemed just as amused as she was by the brothers’ antics.

 

She almost felt guilty for not seeking out Charlie, but she saw him out of the corner of her eye, conversing to a redheaded woman and he looked ok. And she told herself; she wasn’t ignoring him but merely learning about her new partner. Instead of dwelling on it too much, she let herself be introduced to a couple other dancers and their partners while her new partner never left her side.

 

When it was their turn to pose for pictures, she could feel her embarrassment creeping into her cheeks as she found herself practically hanging off of Maks. But he whispered for her to relax and just smile, and she found herself relaxing but one glance over told her Charlie was not nearly as thrilled about her promo pictures as the cameraman and Maks were. And surprisingly, she didn’t mind his hands on her and it wasn’t nearly as awkward as she imagined it. He was interesting to her and she could use the distraction.

 

It stung a little when he wouldn’t make eye contact with her as he and his new partner were called up to photos but she reasoned maybe she deserved it a little for ignoring him. Afterwards, she casually asked Maks and Val about Charlie’s partner. Val was the first to respond, saying, “Sharna’s pretty cool. She’s a fairly new pro but your partner’s in good hands. And she’s got a serious boyfriend so there won’t be any funny business there,” he added with a laugh. He shot her a smile and he looked her almost sympathetically as if he knew that she was a little jealous about his new partner. But it was gone in a flash and she never had a chance to properly analyze it before Danica called his attention towards her. She contemplated that information before Maks introduced her to his good friends on the show and their partners. Determined to put it out of her mind, she focused on meeting the new people. 

 

Despite that she couldn’t bring herself over to see Charlie and his new partner. So she choose a seat down at the opposite end of the table where she met Mark and Candice and she got a chance to spend more time with her partner. She didn’t try to look at Charlie or Sharna but out of the corner of her eye, she could see that he seemed to be enjoying himself. And she found it was nice meeting new people without having him attached to her hip, but it was still odd. 

 

After lunch, she and Maks spent more time talking about her schedule and commitment to Stars on Ice and how they wanted to attack the competition. Maks seemed genuinely thrilled to have gotten her as a partner and he seemed like he knew that they had a great potential to win. She knew that he had never won the competition despite the amount of time he had spent on the show and this could potentially be his last season. She found herself wanting to do well for him and herself. And by the end of the afternoon, she felt like she had known him for ages and she knew they had the foundation of a good friendship.

 

They exited the room and headed towards the lobby, where she hugged him goodbye and kissed his cheek, telling him she’d text him tomorrow when she noticed her other partner. He had a smile on his face that seemed a little fake and he appeared to be examining them closely. She contemplated whether to introduce them before realizing how silly that was but he beat her to the punch when he said, “Hi, I’m Charlie, her other partner. We didn’t get a chance to meet earlier.” And was that a bit of bitterness she detected in his tone, she wondered.

 

Maks held out his hand before saying, “Maksim—but everyone calls me Maks. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Charlie. Meryl’s told me a lot about you.” She noticed how wide Maks’ grin had gotten before he added, “It’s going to be great working with her. I hope you’re prepared to lose.” He then winked at him and Meryl felt her face flush. Charlie’s smiled faded a little and he looked taken aback by his confidence and arrogance—even if it was in jest. The trio talked for a little longer before Maks excused himself after shaking Charlie’s hand once more and kissing Meryl’s cheek.

 

The silence that accompanied their walk was not companionable to her as she decided what to say next to him. But once more he interjected before she could formulate the proper response. He stated in a very matter of fact way, “I didn’t get a chance to introduce you to Sharna earlier.” She noticed the underlying hostility in his voice, despite his best efforts to keep it neutral.

 

She paused as they climbed into the car. And she wondered once more what would be the best thing to say to him. Playing with her phone, she decided that this would be the best answer. “I can’t wait to meet her tomorrow. I hear she’s really great—Maks and Val were raving about her earlier.” She hoped the smile she gave him was genuine and her own jealousies and insecurities wouldn’t surface.

 

She noticed how tightly he was gripping the steering wheel and she could tell he was stressed or angry—maybe both. “Well, I would have done it earlier but you seemed,” he cleared his throat, “seemed a little preoccupied.” His tone was cutting and pointed. He had noticed her avoidance earlier and he was less than thrilled.

 

Her own annoyance was building and she finally said, “You were too.” She felt her voice become soft and dangerous when she added. “I was trying to meet new people and you seemed to make plenty of new friends on your own.” She couldn’t help it was her voice raised saying, “Surely you can’t be upset about me doing the same.” With a toss of her hair, she continued, “We do have to get to know our new partners some.”

 

She noticed he swallowed and continued to stare straight ahead. She found some perverse satisfaction in putting him in his place for a few minutes before the guilt set in but she wasn’t in the mood to apologize today. She was sick of apologizing. Their ride was completely silent after that, with her playing with her phone looking anywhere but at him and him concentrating so tightly on the road. When they reached the hotel, she had regained some composure enough to smile at the hotel attendant who opened her door. She thanked him as she grabbed her suitcase and headed towards the lobby without stopping or waiting for him. She felt he deserved the cold shoulder and she wasn’t in the mood to deal with the mess that had never really reached resolution. 

 

She checked into her room and after unpacking her suitcase, she curled up on her bed. Maybe she had been too harsh—maybe she deserved much worse than this—wasn’t her fault that night when she ruined their lives. She was being overdramatic of course, but sometimes she wondered if she really did ruin his life when they really stopped pretending everything was just fine. But his life seemed fine—great even, she noted. She’d let him go, free to move on and there were times when he didn’t seem able to do the same and it irritated her.  **His jealously didn’t stem from concern over their friendship but because she seemed interested in Maks.** She realized that the minute she saw the way Charlie was looking at the two of them earlier. And part of her was thrilled but the more realistic part of her understood that this jealousy would only complicated things—for both of them. 

 

Hurling a pillow at the wall, she almost started crying and she hated tears, until her phone buzzed. At first, she didn’t recognize the number but as she read it, she couldn’t help the smile that spread. “Make sure to get a goodnight’s sleep, partner—we’re about to start the hard work tomorrow ;)” As she started to respond, she thought maybe this was  **the exact type of distraction she needed right now** and just maybe this dancing thing  **was exactly** what she needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been so long!! I have been working on grad school applications so it's taken me away from writing. But I should be back now and able to update on a more regular basis. Thank you for your patience. The next chapter will be in neither M or C's POV but someone new so I'm pretty excited to write it.


	6. Leave Your Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoever said you couldn't fall head over heels for someone the minute you set eyes on them was dead wrong—even if you know you're royally screwed. If only, the fall didn't feel so good, it would be easier to escape.

_“I don’t have much to give but I don’t care for gold. What use is money, when you need someone to hold? Don't have direction, I'm just rolling down this road, waiting for you to bring me in from out the cold. You’ll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain, or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name. Pack up and leave everything, don't you see what I can bring, can’t keep this beating heart at bay, set my midnight sorrow free, I will give you all of me. Just leave your lover, leave him for me. Leave your lover, leave him for me.”_

 

Even though they’d been working together for a few weeks, he still couldn’t believe his incredible luck. She was intertwining herself into his life in ways he couldn’t have imagined and even after such a short time, he couldn’t imagine his life without her. Sitting in the studio waiting for her, he could still remember the minute he saw her and realized his unbelievable luck.

 

* * *

 

 

He’d recognized her the minute she stepped into the room. After everything that had happened this year, her face was undeniably recognizable and he would have been living under a rock in order for him not to know she was—her face was on a box of cereal for goodness sake. Add that to the fact that the minute he saw her, he was a goner. He wasn’t the type to fall head over heels over a woman but there was something—an allure—about her that drew him to her more intensely than he had ever imagined.

 

In all of his wildest dreams, he’d never imagined he would be _her_ partner. Not to say he was complaining or anything—she was probably the best partner he could have gotten from this batch and she was a winner with an athletic background—he had watched her win gold just a few weeks ago on the biggest stage—that could help propel them to the trophy this year. But truthfully since he had been gone from the show for so long, he expected he’d end up with the most annoying or obnoxious partner who would only last a few weeks before getting the axe. And he was grateful for whatever God intervened and gave him her, because after so many years of disappointments, he was desperate for a win. 

 

But he didn’t expect the attraction to hit so soon. Sure, he had been attracted to partners before but it never hit him as hard as it did in that very moment looking at her for the first time. He was well aware she was a beautiful woman and a talented one but he couldn’t claim she was his type.  His type was more seductive and blatantly sexual than delicate and ethereal. And his new partner was definitely delicate—almost Disney Princess-like with her long hair and beautiful eyes. He had seen the way her eyes had widened ever so slightly when she saw him and he could almost imagine her wracking her brain trying to figure out who he was and he wondered if, maybe, his old reputation could not precede him for the first time in forever. 

 

When she leaned into him to kiss his cheeks, he couldn’t help but breath in her scent and feel how delicate she felt. He felt huge next to as he stooped down to embrace her. And it was stupid, but he felt his mouth running away with him immediately when he stated, “So, I love you and I would love to marry you, but I need to know if you and Charlie are not dating first? It’s like the billion dollar question everyone keeps asking you.”

 

And that’s when he saw it—the flash—so quick he almost missed it if he hadn’t been looking so intently for it—that said maybe there was more to their story than that perfectly executed denial. It was so perfect—her laugh and the conviction of her tone but he wasn’t convinced because he saw the look in her eye right before she covered her emotions that said maybe the media wasn’t quite wrong when it came to the two of them. And for some reason, he felt a pang of jealousy and that scared him—how irrational was it to be jealous of a man he’d never met or even worse over a woman he’d known for all of five minutes, on a scale from one to ten, it was probably a twenty. But looking at her, it sure felt like he had known her for almost his entire life. He wondered if she felt the same spark as him when they’d touched. 

 

Trying not to dwell on her reaction, he said, “So, I’ve got the elephant in the room with your involvement with Derek, him helping you out with the routines and everything, so that’s a bonus.” He watched her face genuinely lit up with a smile when he mentioned Derek and his help. She nodded and said how great it was for him to help them; she added that their short dance had never looked better. He wondered if she would have preferred having Derek as her partner since she was already familiar with him but he didn’t dare ask, especially in front of the cameras who would have loved his question.

 

And soon enough all the awkwardness had melted out the room as they got to know each other better. As they conversed so easily, he wondered if perhaps maybe she could be as interested in him as he was in her and he knew at the very least she was intrigued by him. Her voice was so sweet as she asked after the cameras left, “So why did you decide to come back?”  


 

He wondered this himself several times before he saw her. And sometimes he was sure it was because of his brother or others because he still felt at home here or even just because it was safe. But looking at her, he wondered if fate had some different plan in store for him when he agreed to one more season. Smiling he said, “Many things, I think. This has been my home for so long and I missed it. But I have regrets—back then I was a little angrier and I hated losing. My temper was explosive but I’ve mellowed out now—must have come with age. And I wanted one more shot so I don’t regret it, especially now.” She smiled at him and he felt compelled to ask her why she chose to do the show.

 

Her smile seemed less genuine—maybe it was the light or something else and he could have been imagining it, but she seemed a little thrown by the question, even though he was sure it had been asked before. She hesitated for a fraction of a second before launching into a long and detailed explanation of how they wanted to take the time to focus on something completely different than ice dance. Her answer seemed to keep getting longer and he noted the use of liberal use of “we” and he realized that he was being given the same treatment as the media, who had probably asked this question to them before they entered the show. No doubt this was the answer she and Charlie had drawn up and memorized to recite to anyone who asked but he wasn’t interested in that answer. As she continued to ramble, he wondered if he looked up that question on the web if he’d get the same response as he was getting now. And he interrupted her saying, “That’s great but _why did you want to do it?”_ He was dying to know the personal reason why she choose to forgo Worlds and come compete on a reality t.v. show.

 

She looked stumped—almost as if she wasn’t able to separate herself from the two of them and maybe, she couldn’t—he knew that they had been together for years and perhaps they were used to speaking as a unit. But after a few moments, she gave a small smile and said, “I’m not sure—I think sometimes I feel like we should have gone to Worlds but the competition levels wouldn’t have been as high since the Olympics just ended…” Her voice trailed off, he could tell she was thinking about something or someone. “Tess and Scott weren’t going to compete and it just didn’t feel right.” He noted that she must mean Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, their biggest rivals, training mates and sometimes friends. She looked down at her hands and said, “But I think I wanted to try something new. We’ve been together for so long and we’ve never really been apart. So maybe I want to see what I can do by myself.” She looked past him with a faraway look in her eye, with a cryptic tone, she added, “You know, things will be changing soon—things always change." She hesitated before admitting, "I'm not great with change. I’m not comfortable with it so I decided I wanted push myself, to try something different—to see if I could get used to it.” Almost an afterthought she added, “And it seemed like a good way to celebrate together without being together.” 

 

If he had been a smarter man, her little speech would have made him pause, really look at what she had been saying and then probably flee in the opposite direction but he like complicated and she was definitely complex. There was something behind that perfect veneer that he wanted to explore. Maybe it wasn’t smart, but he wanted to know about the woman who was buried beneath media training and her devotion to her art. As they continued to talk, he felt her relaxing and responding to him. Almost too quickly, someone poked their head in and told them it was time to change for promo pictures then lunch so that they could meet the rest of the cast. And he was left watching her walk away with what he was sure was a silly, stupid grin on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

As the season started, he started to realize how complex Meryl Davis really was and he loved it. He wondered what sane woman would elect to headline Stars on Ice while participating in a realty show, but not just any—a ballroom dancing show where she had to spend as much time as possible in rehearsals for either that or her shows. He was quickly able to assess that the woman must be part superhuman when she started drawing up her schedule that he became exhausted just looking at it. He knew part of his job was going to be traveling with them as they toured so they could practice for the dances but she seemed so nonchalant about it. 

 

He also realized part of her complexities came from her partner of seventeen years. There was something different about her when she was with him. They just seemed to gravitate towards each other when they were together and he’d never understand how they were able to know what the other was thinking by just a look. Charlie gave him a semi-cool greeting when he saw him next after he introduced himself the night before and he noted how he kept protectively looking over towards Meryl like he was going to have to protect her from **him**. Maks wasn’t quite sure he understood what he had done to earn some of the glares Charlie sent his way when he thought he wasn’t looking (he had excellent peripheral  vision). But he wasn’t concerned because Meryl didn’t seem to notice or care that her partner wasn’t thrilled with her new one. And before he knew it, it was week one.

 

Week One had been killer—in more ways than one—and in retrospect, maybe it hadn’t been the smartest idea to involve her partner. He thought what a better way to highlight her success and make it clear that she might have one medal, but she was looking for a trophy as well. They were given the Cha-Cha for the first dance and he decided it was a solid choice for their first dance—not too complicated and it would allow her to spin. Her spins were fantastic, a by-product of skating and he couldn’t help his temporary stupidity when he couldn’t seem to remember that she was actually pretty good at them. And of course, his little gaffe had to make it into their video package. 

 

But he had thought his inclusion of Charlie into their dance would be great—she did mention she wanted to celebrate their win and what better way than to include her partner of seventeen years. Unfortunately, the first red flag should have been that Meryl didn’t seem as enthused about the idea as he was, balking a little at involving Charlie in their dance, questioning why it would be necessary. So at the risk of upsetting her, he went directly to her partner, who agreed to a short cameo in her dance, when he implied that Meryl wanted him to be involved. He had already learned that there was little Charlie wouldn’t do for Meryl. A little white lie never hurt anyone, he figured. And when Meryl found out, she wasn’t outwardly angry but she just seemed resigned to the idea.

 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that there was something off between the two of them. And he had done his research, right after Charlie had given him the evil eye when they were doing some promo stuff for the show. It only took a quick minute on Google to pull up all the headlines of their “unique” partnership, stemming from childhood, and their dedication to each other. It was a bit harder to find information about Charlie’s significant other, but there was evidence she existed, even if it was subtly left out from the media’s view when the two were competing to add fuel to the rumors that there was more than a platonic interest between the two partners.

 

Honestly, he found himself addicted to watching their programs on YouTube and he could see why people made that mistake. Maybe not as much when they were younger when they appeared to rely more on their athletic ability, but as they grew older and began to emote more effectively. Especially after that Tango Free Dance in 2011, it was hot and that passion couldn’t have been entirely acted or they were in the wrong profession. His brother had seen him watching that Tango and Scheherazade over and over again one evening and had teased him unmercifully about it. Even Derek had mentioned in passing, on afternoon in the studio when Val was recounting to the male pros how he caught Maks watching their programs, how the two had a special sort of connection that he didn’t quite understand but he hadn’t elaborated. But watching their programs, he was sure that he could name their connection and he knew it was because there was something there, maybe it had never been explored or maybe it had and it crashed and burned but the passion was lurking just underneath the surface.

 

But he determined not to dwell on it and resolved never to bring it up to her unless she specifically wanted to speak about it. But he doubted she would ever, judging by her reaction to his suggestion that Charlie be involved. But he thought it was pretty cute to have her and Charlie standing on podiums, waving fake flowers and wearing their Team USA jackets. And it was a good entrance except for her, it was just too real, her pink dress reminded her of Sochi and standing on the podium with him made her remember that things were not what they used to be, not that she would dare tell him or Maks. So her smiles seemed to rival her performance ones and Maks couldn’t claim to have noticed.

 

They scored well that night, with Charlie and Meryl saying all the right things about each other when the cameras were on them. Charlie scored even better and if he had looked over at her face when Charlie was dancing, he would have seen the slight hurt bubble up when she watched him dance as they did lifts that reminded her of their own on ice. But lucky for both of them, neither one saw the other’s face and Maks continued to pretend to labor under the delusion that perhaps, the two were just really good partners and friends.

 

Week Two had been less exciting but more tiring for him since she had picked swing dancing—a dance with far too many lifts in his opinion and he lamented the loss of his more athletic and youthful physique. To be honest, the highlight that week had been the fact that he and Sharna had been privileged enough to watch the two skate together and see the two at the height of their career perform live.

 

“Wow, what chemistry.” Sharna had remarked as she leaned up against the side of the rink next to him watching the two run through their Olympic Gold Medal winning performance for Stars on Ice. She was twirling a stand of her hair between her fingers, watching them intently, making notes about similar choreography she could put away for future reference.

 

Nodding, Maks was unable to take his eyes off the two of them. “Seventeen years—seventeen years worth of partnership.” She looked over at him but he refused to make eye contact, “It’s simply amazing.”  


 

He could feel her eyes on him, analyzing him closely. Her accent was soft when she said, “Do ya think…” Gesturing towards the ice, “That they ever…” Her voice trailed off. “It’s hard to imagine them having better chemistry with anyone else. But he does have a girlfriend and I hear she does date, though not often according to him.”

 

“I’m not sure,” he said, giving into temptation to gossip about their partners. “Sometimes I think they could but others, it just seems illogical. But they’re excellent, they understand each other better than any partners I’ve ever seen.” He elaborated, “It’s the anticipation and awareness that they have—they always know where each other is going to be and it’s surprising because how can two people be that good at anticipating each other’s needs?”

 

Neither one had an answer to that question and all too quickly, they found the practice complete and the two were gliding towards them, ready to call it a day. They seemed happier on ice, lighter and they were smiling to each other, communicating in their own way with each other as they left the building. Their new partners had both observed some unseen tension between the two for a while and they noticed all it took was the ice to smooth everything back over. They shared a knowing look above their new partners' heads and thought perhaps that they had the answer to their question that had been staring them right in the face, after all.

 

That week, both teams had practiced hard and worked to try and maintain the success from the previous week. And Maks had the pleasure of helping an unexpected person this week—Charlie. It had been amusing to watch Charlie poke his head in with a look, that clearly indicated that he'd rather be anywhere but here, asking for Maks' help, but Maks had taken pity on the poor guy and agreed. Sharna had sent Charlie to Maks in hopes he could find some help for his character that week—a bad boy. And even after only knowing him for a few weeks, he was certain that Charles Allen White Jr. had never been one from the way he acted. Both teams had done well that week and headed into Week Three with the same scores and a completely similar yet different idea for their most memorable year.

 

* * *

 

 

Watching her float into rehearsal with that soft smile on her face, she seemed relaxed and happy. Good, he noted, he would need her to be comfortable with this week. He had feeling that her most memorable year would be this year and he had some great ideas for a victorious contemporary or a upbeat quickstep until she sat down and basically blew those ideas out of the water. When he asked her what her most memorable year was he didn’t quite expect it to be a seventeen-year-old journey.

 

“For me it’s not just a most memorable year—it a seventeen year journey.” At his face, she elaborated, “When Charlie and I were eight and nine years old, we started skating together, and that was really the beginning of our journey. I was so shy that it was really difficult for me to look into Charlie’s eyes. Our coach at that time, threatened to put a sticker on Charlie’s forehead so I’d have something to look at instead of really having to gaze into Charlie’s eyes.” She continued on, “I think that it’s definitely a testament to all the work that went into our career; getting from those young very shy children that we were then to the confident adults that could really go after their dreams.”

 

He nodded, understanding that whatever his ideas were for this week, they would need to be reshaped a little. “I want to dance to ‘All of Me’ by John Legend.” And that’s when he officially knew that this week was going to be different. He knew that song, like most people did but he struggled to find why that song would inspire her most memorable year. Wracking his brain to think about the song’s musicality—a ballad played at the piano that had good rhythm for a foxtrot—and then the lyrics. But the only words he could hear repeating in his head were: “’cause all of me, loves all of you, love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections, give your all to me, I’ll give my all to you, you’re end and my beginning, even when I lose I’m winning, ‘cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you.” 

 

And then he knew, he remembered that this particular song John Legend wrote for his wife—inspired by his wife. And he understood that any of the time that the cast had spent speculating over his partner and her relationship with her partner was wasted time because if this song clear everything up for them, then nothing would. It was a far more intimate song choice than he would have chosen, for what seemed like a public declaration—or maybe apology—to her partner even though she tried to present it under the guise of it being for everyone who made the medal possible. He realized he hadn’t said a word and she was babbling on and on, trying to convince him about the rightness of her choice.

 

He stopped her, taking her hands in his and said, “Are you sure?” looking into her eyes, trying to see if she was serious about this song. Her eyes were resolute and she nodded, almost incapable of words now when before they had been plentiful. Breathing deeply, he nodded and said, “That song would be perfect for a foxtrot.” And he watched her relax, a small, relieved smile filling her face. Finding the song, he played it once then twice and he could see how perfectly this song could fit into the choreography he was building in his head.

 

The night of their dance, he noticed a small sad smile on her face as she smoothed down her costume—a light bluish purple dress. And he wondered at that look, it looked beautiful on her, maybe she was just nervous. He had listened to her explain her song choice to the cameras earlier when she said, “The meaning behind the song—for me, it’s the year leading up to the Olympics—it’s giving all of me.” He heard her add, “When you have a performance your connecting to, it’s hard to go wrong.” 

 

Thinking about those words, he wondered if the choreography he had concocted was too much. In his head, he had envisioned a woman in love with a man, even though she pushed him away, they always found their way back together—he had been inspired by the lyrics and the song’s personal meaning. And thinking back, perhaps that didn’t quite fit with her most memorable year but it was something she had connected to and he didn’t have the heart to change it when he saw the way her face looked when she practiced that dance. Whether it fit the most memorable year or not, this dance was definitely memorable. 

 

Silently observing her from a distance while she talked quietly with another cast member, he noted she did not reach out towards  **him** . He wondered if she told him. Derek sidled up to him and said, “She looks beautiful. That color reminds me of her Scheherazade costume.” And it was like a light bulb went on in his head—so that’s why the sad expression—she was remembering Sochi, he thought, while Derek continued. “I can’t wait to see what you have in store for this dance.”

 

Nodding, he answered, hesitating only a little. “She chose the music. I thought it was an odd choice at first but I’m starting to see that maybe it wasn’t so strange as I originally thought.” He didn’t need to look at Derek to see the comprehension dawning on his face. Derek said, “I heard the music. _I don’t think he saw or heard it._ ” Reading between the lines, they both understood each other perfectly. Derek turned to leave until Maks couldn’t help himself and asked, “What was it like working with them? Was it—were they—“

 

“It was different—so attuned to each other. When I was there, I met some of their friends. Their friends saw it—I think. Maybe, they’re the only ones who don’t see it the way the rest of us do, because for them, it’s just them.” He continued, shrugging, “You know, he’s got a girlfriend but I think if circumstances had been different, if they had been different, maybe they would have.” Shaking his head, he added, “But I don’t know them as well as others do and maybe I’ve read everything all wrong but that’s my two cents.” 

 

He noticed that Charlie was walking towards her with a furrowed brow, the two excused themselves from the group and made their way away from the group. Charlie was speaking in hushed tones with her while she replied in an equally quiet tone. The two hugged and he saw Charlie finger the material of her dress and push her hair back. It was tender and sweet as he watched his hand linger on her shoulder once more before he left her. Maks couldn’t help himself, he hurried over towards his partner. She smiled at him and he was thrilled to see that she seemed happy—not as nervous. She didn’t say what he wanted nor did she seem willing to divulge what the two had said. Instead she smiled and said, “Let’s kill it.” 

 

By the time they danced, he had a feeling that this dance was the dance of the night. They moved so fluidly, waltzing their way around the ballroom. But when her hands were caressing her face and the dance became far more intimate, he couldn’t help but wonder if she was thinking of someone else, wishing she was running her hands down someone else’s face, who was watching from the audience. Caught up in the moment, neither one saw the dark look that crossed one particular audience member’s face or the startled gasp of another who had found some unwanted clarity.

 

He listened to the judges’ praise them and Erin tease them about their dance, with a smile that never left his face. He held her gently, as she blushed and he was sure the cameras are now picking up on what could be a romantic angle to their partnership. He could already see the wheels turning in the producers’ heads, thinking about the chemistry that the two were so clearly showcasing in their dance. He knew their original spin was to try and force Meryl and Charlie into direct competition—really play up the fact that those two were competing directly against each other after seventeen years of partnership, but the two were not giving them much material to work with especially since they were still actively supporting each other.

 

She didn’t seem bothered by his close proximity. And her blushes and nervous laughter were making the producers’ job easier. And their scores were phenomenal, he couldn’t complain but as they basked in the afterglow of their performance, he noticed she still seemed jittery. He wondered if she was nervous for his performance and when they ran his video package. And then he noticed that her partner didn’t mention her—not once—and he wondered if she was bothered by it. However face was unreadable as she looked intently at the screen. Averting his eyes from her, he wondered how her partner could be such a fool as he took the floor with Sharna and as his real partner stood there, hands clenched lightly into fists, her only noticeable sign of distress, with a face as unreadable as the ice she skated over. Shaking his head softly, he murmured so softly under his breath he wasn’t sure she heard or even understood him, “Ондурак” before watching their performance and entwining his hand loosely into hers. At first he worried he overstepped his boundaries but right before he moved to pull his hand away, she gently squeezed back. And in that moment, he wasn’t able to keep the pleasure he felt spreading through him from going **straight to his heart.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick little translation note: Ондурак means "he's a fool." I'm hoping to start regularly updating and currently looking to see if someone is interested in beta-ing. It will definitely help my updates go faster. Leave a comment or send me a message on Tumblr: journalist101. Currently writing the next chapter from a different character's POV and really excited about the next few chapters. Please drop me a note and let me know what you think so far, I love getting feedback.


	7. Picking Up the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The worst feeling comes from that moment when you realize that your every fear has been validated.

_“Do you think of her, when you're with me? Repeat the memories you made together. whose face do you see? Do you wish I was a bit more like her? Am I too loud? I play the clown to cover up all these doubts. Perfect heart, she’s flawless, she’s the other woman, shining in her splendor, you were lost. Now she's gone, and I'm picking up the pieces, I watch you cry, but you don't see that I'm the one by your side, ’cause she's gone, in her shadow is it me you see? ‘Cause all that's left is you and I, and I'm picking up the pieces she left behind.”_

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, well she wondered how much a dance was worth. Frozen like a statue, stuck in time, she sat there; eyes wide with disbelief, hands clasped over her mouth as she watched the scene in front of her and she felt time slow down around her. She hoped her face hadn’t lost all its color as she came to the realization that had been plaguing her for five years. How stupid was she—how naïve was she? She wasn’t even sure but sitting there watching her dedicated her dance to him, her hands all over her new partner and she was sure at that moment that she would have preferred it to be him and it took until now for it to sink in and sink in it did, in the most spectacular way—most memorable year indeed.

 

All the little moments, all the little things replayed in her head. Every touch, every look, every silent conversation she’d observed, played in her head in and she felt her brain working in double time trying to piece everything together. And she wanted to laugh, laugh in disbelief, laugh in sadness, laugh in the face of everything she had been ignoring because ignoring it made it easier for her to pretend. Instead though, she looked up, towards the balcony, searching for him—searching for his face. She wanted—no needed—to see if what she suspected, what she realized was true, and his face was an open book to her. But when she saw his face, her world crashed down around her.

 

His face was a mixture of jealousy, longing and sadness. His face told her everything that the dance hadn’t told her—and that dance had been pretty explicit. He was looking at her like she was everything he wanted and everything he couldn’t have and he was so lost in the moment, he never even realized that she was watching him—that anyone could see him, that a camera could pick up on his feelings and she highly doubted that he cared in that moment. Looking over towards his mother and hers, she saw that both had a hand over their mouth and the two exchanged a knowing look—a look of two people who had always known. Neither one noticed her watching them, but she was glad. God, what an idiot I am, she said to herself as she watched the pair on the floor hold each other breathless.

 

* * *

 

 

Being an ice dancer herself, she was well aware of the depth of the relationships that were formed on the ice with your partner. Her partner, Ben, is one of her closest and best friends and they have a special bond. They skated together for years, competed in the Olympics together twice and brought home a silver medal. But it paled in comparison to the duo of Davis and White. She and Ben were good but Meryl and Charlie were better and she wasn’t afraid to admit it. 

 

Their star had been on the rise when hers and Ben’s had peaked. She remembered the first time she saw the petite brunette girl and her curly haired blond partner. They had started being trained by their coaches, Marina Zueva and Igor Shpilband, and she had barely thought about them at the time. They just seemed so young and as loathe, as she was to admit it, beneath her notice at the time—she and Ben were doing really well for themselves and they had hardly noticed their new competition. But she did remember the way the two of them carried themselves. Charlie was always protectively standing near Meryl and they could hold whole conversations just by looking at each other. Even then she’d known that maybe those two could be special but she didn’t spare them another thought after that until much later.

 

But something changed as things often do and she and Ben found the gap between them and the rising duo of Davis and White decreasing every time the two took the ice. And then she really started to watch them. They were good—athletic with a quickness on the ice that she had rarely seen before. She had seen some of their early programs. She remembered their Sampson and Delilah program. That was the first time she ever really saw that maybe the two had something other than their athleticism—maybe the could emote on ice and perhaps there was more chemistry behind them then she had seen. Though the program wasn’t nearly as flawless as their programs were later, she saw the potential even though they no longer skated with them daily since their coaching switch.

 

In at the Cup of Russia in 2008, she remembered watching Charlie stumble and fall a few times. And she had been shocked—they were usually so consistent. And she was happy to see them recover the next day and skate well enough to medal. But she’d never forget what she heard Marina say to Igor the next week at the ice rink when she was visiting while she was on a break in training due to Ben’s injury. Marina said, “Something different about them after that competition. He was off but better next day. His skating was angrier and they did not look happy though they placed.” Igor had reassured her that they were probably just upset with their results but Marina said, “Igor, I am right. Something different. I not know now but you will see. You will see, Igor, as I have seen. Something changed.” 

 

She had felt guilty for listening in and if she had cared more, she would have looked at them more closely. But they seemed fine when she watched them practice—a little distant but nothing that would inspire Marina’s worried tones. They seemed more subdued but that could have been attributed to the fact that they were still tired from the trip. Tanith didn’t dwell on them for too long before she went off to find Ben and to be honest, their supposed tension never crossed her mind again. She did watch their programs with more interest after that since Ben’s back injury had forced them to withdraw from competition for the U.S. Nationals and the Grand Prix Final.

 

That year Charlie and Meryl won the U.S. Nationals and never looked back even if she and Ben had placed second in Worlds to their fourth, the guard was changing. And something else had changed. The next year, right before the 2009-2010 season began she ran into Charlie by himself at a coffee shop and they started really talking. With a shy, nervous smile, he asked her out by the end of their meeting. She had never really seen Charlie in a romantic light, a product of knowing him since he came from Juniors. But on a whim, she decided why not, he was cute and talented and what could one date hurt.

 

It turns out one date was all it took before she fell for him. But no matter how deeply she fell for him, she insisted they keep it casual though even though she was positive she was halfway in love with him already. They had to compete against each other during the season and she didn’t want whatever they were doing to mess with either one of their focuses. Charlie had agreed—one of the things she loved best about him, how easygoing he was. And the list went on and on—he was smart, funny, caring and so terribly awkward. 

 

Tanith was a fairly attractive woman and as such she’d never lacked for dates. She’d dated her fair share of seemingly perfect guys, guys who had movie star good looks, said all of the right things and wooed her with their perfect words and charming smiles but they’d never lasted. And she thought after one coffee date that maybe Charlie White had some staying power. From his blond curls to his glasses, he was nothing like her former boyfriends and the more she thought about it, the better it seemed. She genuinely liked talking with him and he made her feel like he was genuinely interested in her for who she was and not her accomplishments or looks. 

 

She knew she was in deep when he looked at her with his blue eyes and gave her a smile that would make any girl week in the knees. And as they started sneaking around at the U.S. Champs Camp, she knew that there was so much risk involved with not telling their partners but there was something so exciting about being involved in a secret affair. It was hot, sneaking around; they were like teenagers making out whenever they had a spare moment or when they could fabricate a reason to be alone. And it was inevitable that one day they were bound to slip up and they did in the most memorable fashion.

 

They were in the locker room after they thought everyone had left for the day. Charlie had her pushed up against the lockers. His hands were in her hair and around her waist, he was pulling he closer, whispering about how beautiful she looked. One of her hands was gripping his face and her other was starting to make its way down low, touching his waist. She tilted her head up towards him as he leaned down to kiss her, her eyes closing as her hand made it ways into his curls and the other had made its way around his neck. She could feel his breath on her face, warm and hot and then his lipped touched hers, soft and sweet. Her legs had made their way around his waist and then they heard it—a crash.

 

Startled, they immediately sprang apart and she saw it before he did—Meryl, standing there, whiter than normal, mouth slightly open, eyes wide and they saw her bag lying on the ground in a heap. Blushing red, she immediately grabbed her bag and fled from the locker room faster than lightening. Tanith’s face turned red and she gasped wordlessly and Charlie gave her an apologetic look, mumbling about needing to talk to her before she got too far before running after her, leaving Tanith with swollen lips and only herself for company.

 

After a few minutes, she managed to pull herself together enough after combing her hair and pulling it back and set off to find them, thinking she may need to give Charlie backup. And she was surprised at what she saw when she eventually found them. Charlie was holding her loosely as her fists beat on his chest, her face tearstained and her voice quiet and broken as she kept repeating, “Why didn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me? We’re partners. We’re partners.” 

 

His face was soft as he let her continue on and she felt wrong for intruding on their private moment. She backed away, grabbing her phone to text Ben that she needed to talk to him when she heard Charlie say, “Mer, I’m sorry.” His voice was a whisper when he repeated over and over again like a mantra, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Eventually her sobs lessened and Tanith took one more look and she could see Charlie was holding her to his chest. Her face was resting on his chest, his shirt bore tearstains and his arms were around her so protectively. She left that minute and called Ben, never looking back.

 

Ben took the news better than Meryl—shooting her a look with one eyebrow quirked as if to say, “really, you’re really dating Charlie?” but he had been fairly accepting of their relationship even if he cautioned her to be careful since they were still their competition. She was glad Ben hadn’t seemed to be particularly bothered by it because it was comforting knowing that her best friend and partner had her back. She felt a little guilty about causing a rift in Meryl and Charlie’s relationship by asking Charlie to keep it quiet. 

 

The next day she saw Meryl and one look at her told her that she’d never have known that she was a sobbing mess the prior night. There were no telltale signs of tears or any indication that she had been miserable the night before, if only Tanith had known that she had spent almost her entire night crying into her pillow. But Tanith admired her calm and collectiveness—she wasn’t sure she’d have the guts to act as if nothing was bothering her when it had been clear that problems don’t just disappear overnight. Meryl gave her a small warm smile before averting eye contact, but she seemed supportive. Charlie later indicated that Meryl had been shocked and upset with him for keeping it from her but she wasn’t mad about them dating, though he had received a similar lecture to her about dating the competition and making sure that their feelings didn’t supersede their desire to win. 

 

That season had moved faster than normal for her and even though she and Ben found that their star continued to fall as Meryl and Charlie’s rose, placing fourth at the Olympics while Meryl and Charlie each received a silver medal in Vancouver and at the World Championships. And after that, she and Ben decided it was time to retire though they enjoyed skating together. They wanted to have a life outside figure skating but they wanted to still skate together for shows and just for fun. She and Ben would never really be able to sever their partnership but they were tired of competing and believed that now was the right time to leave—on their own terms. 

 

And she felt free and ready to start her future with Charlie. It was evident that they were actually getting serious—serious enough for her to move back to Michigan and began working there so she could be close to him after training in Pennsylvania for a few years. Her parents thought she was crazy and Ben too, because Charlie was still going to be competing and she knew he and Meryl had plans for a gold medal in Sochi in 2014, so it wasn’t like he was ready to give up anytime soon. But she felt strongly enough about him to do this, to do it for him and herself, to give them a chance, a real chance at as normal relationship that they could have. And she never regretted that choice until now.

 

* * *

 

 

Even though she was sitting in the middle of a ballroom—a live ballroom—and as performances continued on, she could recall with perfect clarity those times she had felt the doubt creep in the strongest and all the times she pushed it down, into the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind.

  
The first time, she could remember the incident like it was yesterday, was in 2010. It was in the fall of the 2010-2011 season and they had a tango as their free dance. Marina had choreographed a beautiful piece but a tango was supposed to inspire passion and romance. Even though the choreography was beautiful, for some reason, they were having a particularly hard time with it. It had been a particularly bad practice and tension was running dangerously high between the two. She was amazed, she’d never seen Meryl and Charlie ever really fight but there was something really off between the two of them on the ice. 

 

Marina and Igor had told them to go take a break when they saw their latest attempt at passion, which Igor had compared to a dead fish. It was horrible and if looks could kill, Charlie would have been ten feet under, prompting them both to storm off the ice with Charlie leading the way with Meryl following hot on his heels. Minutes before, Marina had walked off, shouting for them to go find their heads because they seemed to have misplaced them according to her.

 

Tanith found herself following them, afraid for both of them. She encountered Maia and Alex Shibutani, who each pulled a face when they saw her, pointing towards the locker room. Maia had warned her it was bad before they scuttled off, eager to be gone from that particular mess as they all heard a voice rise. As she walked into the locker room, she heard Meryl shouting at Charlie, “God damn it, Charlie. I know I’m not your girlfriend but can you please just act like you want me for a few minutes for God’s sake—this is a tango after all!” Her voice was biting and harsh as she continued, “I know that I don’t have blond hair, and I know brown hair doesn’t do it for you anymore, but for God’s sake, can you just pretend for four freaking minutes?” 

 

The air was cackling with anger and she could practically see the angry, red sparks emitting from Meryl’s eyes. Charlie looked defeated and she felt compelled to interrupt them before it got worse as Meryl took another step closer so that they pressed against each other. They were so close to each other, face to face—mouths almost touching and she found herself calling out for Charlie that seemed to snap them out of their trance and Meryl huffed and left.

 

She asked Charlie what happened and he had the oddest look on his face that she couldn’t describe—but now, in retrospect, she could recognize that look; it was desire, angry and grief—and he allowed her to slip her arms around him and hold him close. He rested his head on top of her head and his arms embraced her as she heard him breath in deeply, once, twice before he kissed the top of her head and said, “I should probably go after her to apologize,” and he left quickly. She noted they were quiet but the tension seemed to have been relieved after Meryl’s outburst. And their chemistry seemed much improved though they were still quiet and distant off the ice. Marina and Igor had proclaimed it a much-needed improvement and had considered the day a success in light of their earlier failings. 

 

That night when she was alone with him in her apartment, she wanted to ask him about his fight with Meryl. But when she started to, he kissed her deeply, tearing at her clothes and she’d been sufficiently distracted. That night, they hadn’t made love but they had sex, hard and fast. It was passionate and rough, different than their typical lovemaking. As they lay in bed, almost exhausted, with her head on his chest as he was stroking her hair tenderly and that’s when she remembered that odd comment about brown hair.  As far as she knew Charlie never dated anyone with brown hair, and she started to ask him what Meryl had meant about by that but he had a pensive look on his face and both her courage and words failed her.

 

Later on, she’d remember that fight as the catalyst that pushed them to the top of the podium, the spark that had induced their passionate tango. She was never so proud as the moment when he won Worlds and she knew that whatever had happened between the two of them had been fixed. But in the back of her mind, she knew their road had gotten harder, because their win had validated their belief that they could win gold in three short years.

 

And she was right. Shortly before the 2012-2013 season was beginning, Igor Shpilband, their other coach, was let go from Artic Edge forcing them to make the difficult decision to either stick with Marina or go with Igor. They choose Marina, as did Tessa and Scott and Maia and Alex with only Madison and Evan leaving. And of course, that summer she had to suggest that they move in together.

 

They had been dating for almost three years and she knew how overwhelmingly busy he had been and as understanding as she was, she missed her boyfriend. The idea had seemed perfect on paper—he already spent an inordinate amount of time at her place and it wasn’t like she minded staying at his place but living with all those guys was just too much for her on a usual basis. So when she proposed the idea over dinner one evening, she was surprised by his less than enthusiastic response. 

 

“I don’t think it’s the right time,” he said, with a perplexed and troubled look on his face, aging him. “I mean there’s already so many things going on and I don’t think now is the right time. I mean look, Igor’s gone and we’re having a hard enough time with all the change as it is and our free dance is awful right now.” She knew she must have a strange look on her face when he said, “It’s too much. I can’t right now.” He sounded defeated.

 

Taking a sip of her wine, she carefully chose her words before saying, “Charlie, I barely see you anymore and when I do, it’s only in the evenings. You’re usually exhausted and when we have time on the weekends, you leave to go do homework or something. I want us to have time together. I love you and you love me. Shouldn’t that be reason enough?” 

 

But her arguments had fallen on deaf ears and she’d never quite forget how troubled and upset he looked at her suggestion and like always, she let it drop but that look had haunted her for days. And eventually they had worked past it, with Charlie apologizing to her and saying that maybe in the future but not right now. And she told him she understood because thinking about it later, the timing wasn’t right. But she’d never forget the look of relief on his face at the rink when she told him that—nor the look that crossed his partner’s face.

 

And of course, there was the most obvious sign she’d ever received but she had ignored it. It was during the 2013-2014 season. Of course, there had been a dozen other little things that gave her a pause but until now, Tanith never understood his bizarre reaction or her self-satisfied look.

 

They had chosen to skate to Scheherazade for their free dance, a piece of music they fell in love with three years ago and they saved for this season—for their Olympic season. They had been in one of the studios going over the music, planning lifts when Fedor Andreev entered the room and everything changed. Charlie greeted him with a curt nod and a tight smile, still holding a slight grudge from when he used to date Tanith, but Meryl had stood and hugged him. Fedor had pressed a kiss into the crown of her hair and Charlie had not reacted well when Meryl casually stated that they were dating when Charlie shot her a confused and hurt look.

 

That day, Tanith came the rink because of a strange text Charlie had sent that urged her to come to the rink as soon as possible. She had rushed there, thinking it was something serious only to be greeted by an agitated boyfriend. Without taking a breath he said, “Meryl is dating Fedor. Can you please talk to her? I really don’t understand why she wants him so badly, when he’s no good. You know that better than any other person, besides Tessa, so can you please talk some sense into her?” She had been stunned that this was the emergency that he had texted her about. 

 

“Seriously?” He nodded as she stared him with disbelief. “Charlie, Meryl’s an adult. I can’t tell her what to do.” She listened to Charlie list endless reasons why this could screw everything up for them, from Meryl losing concentration to Fedor breaking her heart to ruining everything they had worked for years. She could feel the doubt creeping into her chest at his reaction but brushed it off as the stress and the pressure mounting—being favorites and the U.S.’s lone hope for Sochi Gold in figure skating was a lot to bear. But as he ranted and raved, begging her to do something, to talk some sense into Meryl, she couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps there was something more that was bothering him.

 

Eventually, he calmed down and stopped ranting about how everything was falling apart. And he excused himself to go find Meryl and she couldn’t help following him and eavesdropping in on their conversation. Meryl was sitting on a bench outside when Charlie approached. He sat down next to her as they sat there in silence for a few minutes. Finally, she said, “I’m sorry. I should have told you sooner but I’m not sorry for dating him.” Her tone was both understanding but unapologetic.

 

He looked at her with a tortured look in his eye, as he rubbed his eyes and sighed. His voice was tired and tortured, “He’s no good for you, Mer. He’ll break your heart.” He was looking at her earnestly and she watched Meryl’s eyes soften as she took his hand and they sat there quietly. She could hear their gentle, even breathing. She noted Charlie looked relaxed and Meryl looked contemplative.

 

“Maybe he will. But I don’t think so. You can’t break something, you don’t have. He’s safe and we’re having fun. I need something—someone right now.” He started to protest, before she cut him off, “You have Tanith and I had no one, but I have Fedor now. It’s uncomplicated and he understands.” She looked past him, squeezing his hand gently. “We’re partners—forever and always. And I respect your opinion but you don’t get one. That’s not fair to either one of us.” He looked at her once more and nodded. “We need to focus on the future—not dwell on the past.” She gave him a small smile as they continued to sit there.  Finally, she kissed his cheek before standing and preparing to leave. 

 

Tanith watched Charlie watch Meryl walk off, and before she could make herself completely inauspicious, Meryl saw her. Meryl gave her a small, secretive smile but her eyes bore traces of tiredness and sadness. And as Meryl made eye contact with her, she felt the guilt punch her in the gut—it was wrong of her to have listened in on their private conversation and it had felt wrong, their conversation seemed so intimate and even worse, she knew Meryl knew. But there was no judgment in her eyes as she continued past her and into the building. She was fortunate that Charlie hadn’t seen her and she approached the bench, looking at him once more before she coughed lightly and he turned to see her. 

 

He gave her a smile and patted the seat next to him. She started to tell him she was eavesdropping, knowing her guilt was probably written all over her face but he stopped her before she could speak, saying. “We should move into together. Now’s the right time—I’m serious.” He drew a deep breath as he took her hands and looked her in the eyes, “I’m sorry—I completely overacted to Meryl and Fedor.” He offered her a smile and said, “It’s the stress and the pressure. And no one gets it but you and Meryl.” He smiled wider and said, “But I’m tired of it and I’m ready to start figuring out what happens after skating. There is life after we finish competing and I’ve put it on hold so we could fulfill our dreams but I can’t—I don’t want to any longer.”

 

Speechless, all she could do was nod, any thoughts about his prior conversation completely fleeing her mind. It was the determination in his eyes that sold it for her—he was completely serious and committed and it was all she wanted from him. She knew then that Meryl’s words had some effect on him. And it was silly but she just accepted it even though her head told her to question the validity of what he was saying but her heart disagreed. And then that weekend, they started looking for houses. 

 

When she and Charlie announced they were moving together with their friends at the rink a few weeks later, she noticed that the announcement was met with disappointment by the boys, who loathed to give up their roommate. And she searched the crowd for Meryl’s reaction. She noticed Meryl’s self-satisfied smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes as she leaned up against Fedor with his arms around her. And then she noticed that Charlie’s arms around her waist had gotten tighter. But she’d never forget that look on Meryl’s face.

 

* * *

 

 

As she watched Charlie dedicate his dance to her and his family with no mention of Meryl, she realized how blind she had been and she loathed it. She knew after the Olympics, he had made a concentrated effort make up for all the times he couldn’t be the perfect boyfriend. And she did understand—she had always understood. It took a lot to sell the story they had created and if not openly acknowledging her made it easier for them to sell the story and get sponsors—to capitalize on their success—then she was all for it. But it felt nice for him to be able to openly talk about her and bring her up in interviews but that being said, this dedication felt wrong.

 

It wasn’t genuine because how could he leave out his ice-dancing partner, his best friend of seventeen years. And she knew why he did, because he felt guilty and because he had feelings for her. In the back of her head, she had always known too. It was too obvious, too blatant, in the way they acted around each other. Their partnership was stronger than some marriages even with the struggles. It all clicked into place and it all made perfect sense. All the doubts were solidified and she knew that Charlie was as “Happy” as the lyrics said but she knew he could be happier and it killed her. 

 

Tanith Belbin really loved him and what was worse was that she knew that he really loved her but he also really loved Meryl Davis. And that made her sick to her stomach. She excused herself after his dance, sending him a text saying she was feeling sick and needed some sleep. On the cab ride back to the hotel, she thought about how it made perfect sense now—that superb tango, his original reluctance to move in with her, his reaction to Fedor—hell, maybe that’s why they did so well with Notre-Dame de Paris—it was a story about unrequited love. But the only question now was what to do with her new found knowledge.

 

As she made her way up to her room, she pondered her options. She could break up with him—set him free, but she couldn’t. She loved him and she wanted forever with him. Or she could make him choose but she didn’t want to because she wasn’t sure she’d win. Or she could live with it and ignore it—live with the knowledge that a part of him would always be with Meryl and she’d have to share him with her for the rest of her life. And the more she thought about her options, the worse she felt. But she was certain that she was unable to live without him and maybe, she could live sharing him. After all she’d managed to keep her naivety for this long.

 

As soon as she made her way into her room, she hung the do not disturb sign on the door and kicked off her shoes. She grabbed the tissue box from the bathroom and dialed a familiar number after curling up into her bed. Immediately she asked, “Did you know? Did you know? Ben, did you know?” And then she let the tears that threatened to fall all evening fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this chapter was more of trying to understand the other woman in Charlie's life. We're going back to M's POV next chapter. But it was fun writing from her perspective. As always, I love reviews so let me know what your thinking.


	8. Count on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just need a best friend and some good old fashioned girl talk.

_“If you tossin' and you're turnin' and you just can't fall asleep, I’ll sing a song beside you, and if you ever forget how much you really mean to me, everyday I will remind you. Ooh, find out what we're made of when we are called to help our friends in need. You can count on me like one two three, I’ll be there and I know when I need it I can count on you like four three two. You’ll be there 'cause that's what friends are supposed to do, oh yeah. Oh, oh_ _yeah, yeah. You’ll always have my shoulder when you cry, I’ll never let go, never say goodbye. You know you can, count on me.”_

 

**Thirty-six hours, sixteen minutes and thirty seconds** since she’d last spoken with him, last thought about him, last dreamed about him—not that she was counting or anything. _Progress_ , she told herself, as she grabbed breakfast—solo once more. Her little dance had created quite the stir, she told herself as she headed towards the exit. He hadn’t said a word to her or even sought her out since that night and she was  **done**.

 

He was behaving childishly, that dance had been an apology—or a declaration—she wasn’t sure but she had meant it as an apology, as an explanation.  She knew that Maks didn’t meant to make the choreography so intimate but it was what it was, there was no changing the past. And it wasn’t as if she even existed in his video package—he left her off and not that she was mad _but she was hurt._ What’s done is done, she told herself as she waited for her cab. He couldn’t keep avoiding her—they had to travel for Stars on Ice in less than twenty-four hours and while he could avoid her right now, he very well couldn’t ignore her on the ice. They were partners for goodness sake.

 

As she headed towards practice, she allowed herself to think about that night. If she knew that Tanith was going to be in the audience maybe she would have rethought her plan but she wasn’t supposed to be there, she surprised him that day and she felt a little guilty. But sometimes, she felt like being selfish, being honest and she knew that the dance was the one way she could give him an answer without really ever trying to put it into words. Shaking her head, she cleared her thoughts before noticing that she had several unread texts.

 

**Maia Shibutani:** So I just saw that performance and can I just say how hot you looked! Your chemistry with Maks is on fire and you owe me a Skype date pronto.

 

**Marissa Castelli:** So we should talk, really we need to talk about that performance. Girls night in when you get here.

 

**Madison Chock:** So when you retire, you’re going to compete in ballroom dance competitions, right? Preferably with Maks, but I’m not picky. And Evan says hi and that you looked really good, but I think you embarrassed him.

 

**Jeremy Abbott:** So where did this Meryl come from and when do I get to meet her? See you soon!

 

**Alex Shibutanti:** So, I feel like I’m scared for life and Evan agrees with me. Your dance was great but you’re like my sister and no brother needs to see that from his sister. 

 

Laughing as she read through her friends’ texts, she made a note to Skype with the girls when she was Marissa, when she saw one more text come through.

 

**Charlie White:** I’m driving to the airport at 2 p.m. today. I’ve got your favorite snacks. Say you’ll drive with me. Please, Mer. 

 

Distracted, she almost didn’t realize she arrived at her destination until the cab driver looked her expectantly and patiently repeated the fare for her. She paid him with a small apologetic smile on her face before bidding him a good day. How was it possible that a simple text from him could still send her world into a tailspin in a matter of seconds? Ruefully, she shook her head. He was still the center of her world and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t let him go. Even though a rational person would refuse to go with him—he gave her the cold shoulder for a few days—but the irrational part of her warmed when he proposed his peace offering.

 

Deciding to think about it later, she decided to head into the studio right after she texted him back that she’d see him then. Pushing all thoughts of him out of her mind, she headed to her rehearsal room. She was nervous, today was the first day of the partner switch up and she was going to be meeting her new partner for the next week today. She wondered if Derek would be her partner, she would feel fairly comfortable with him. But Val or Tony wouldn’t be bad either. She knew they were close with Maks and she liked then when she met them before. 

 

Idly, she wondered who his partner would be as she waited, before she stopped herself and scolded herself, you’d been doing so well up until now. She heard the door open and she called, “Hello? Hello?” She waited patiently as she felt someone creep up behind her. And she asked, “Can I fall back now?” And she heard a distinctly accented voice say, “yes” as she fell backward and smiled.

 

She was thrilled to see Val. She didn’t realize how happy she was until she fell back into his arms. She figured that this would be quite the experience for both of them. Val didn’t have to travel with Danica and Val would be in for quite the treat this week. She and Charlie had three Stars on Ice shows before the Monday show. Smiling broadly, she said, “I’m so glad it was you! We’re going to have so much fun.”

 

Val smirked and said, “Maks is going to be so jealous. We are going to have a blast. Who knows you may even like me better than Maks by the end of it.” And he winked at her, before adding, “We are doing an Argentine Tango, which is Maks favorite dance. He’s going to be so jealous.” 

 

She smiled and said, “Can’t wait! Hope you’re in for a wild ride—we have three Stars on Ice shows to do before Monday, so you’re the lucky person who gets to go on the road with me!” Val nodded, having been briefed by the producers that originally she was paired with Derek by fan vote but he couldn’t travel this week so Val was paired with her with since he had the second most votes. “My flight leaves at 4:00 p.m. but Charlie and I are going to airport at 2:00. What time is yours?”

 

Val smiled and said, “We have a flight the same time as you and Charlie but we’ll probably get there a little later—we both packed last night but there are still a few things we have to do—costume meeting and talk with the producers about practice rooms while we’re traveling this week.” She nodded and he said, “There’s no time like the present so we might as well start learning the dance, just some basic steps. But I already have the music picked out—it’s perfect for the tango.”

 

As they started practicing she listened to Val lecture her about the tango, he was a different teacher than Maks. He was more of a tactician and he drilled her relentlessly. He explained that the tango was all about passion. But for some reason, she wasn’t quite getting the right emotion. She had flashbacks to her and Charlie’s struggles with the tango three years ago and their frustrations with the emotion required for the dance. And after a promising, if not slightly, frustrating practice, they called it a day so she could go back to the hotel and get ready for her flight. Val smiled encouragingly at her and told her that the passion would come as soon as she stopped thinking so much about the stops but she wasn’t quite sure she held his optimism.

 

Back at the hotel she managed to shower and change into some more comfortable clothing before making sure she was all packed up. She checked her phone and saw she had plenty of time still and she started responding to her texts that she had ignored, promising a Skype date to Maia and Madison tomorrow evening with Marissa and telling Jeremy she couldn’t wait to see him as well and then she told Alex that she was sorry but he didn’t have to watch but to tell him and Evan that she appreciated the support. She headed downstairs with five minutes to spare, standing in the lobby when she saw him.

 

He was running his hand though his hair, messing up his curls and holding a box of Strawberry Nutrigrain barns and a bar of chocolate in his free hand. His suitcase stood next to him and his carry-on sat neatly on top. She smiled at him as he continued to mess with his hair, a nervous quirk of his and she felt her anger and hurt disappear instantly. He spotted her as she walked over and he smiled brightly and eagerly held out the snacks. “I bought your favorites.” She took them and then she hugged him and she felt him relax into her. Kissing his cheek lightly, she released him.

 

“Thank you,” she offered quietly as she looked at him. She could see a hint of worriedness in his eyes but also relief. “We should probably go get the car and head to the airport,” she said while he nodded. How was it possible for him to make her feel this way, even now? She didn’t know but as they drove to the airport, she waited for him to speak.

  
He was clearing his throat nervously and she finally looked over at him expectantly. Finally, he said, “Mer, I’m sorry. I was an idiot to ignore you for the past few days. It wasn’t fair of me.” She nodded and he took that as a sign to continue, “Can you forgive me for being the world's biggest idiot?”

 

She nodded as he continued softly, “Do you remember what I said before that show started?” She said yes and he demanded, “Repeat it back to me—please.”

 

Clearing her throat a little, she wondered why he seemed to make more sense when he was ignoring her, before she obligingly repeated. “You said, ‘you look beautiful, Mer. That dress—it reminds me of Sochi. Hey, you look nervous. Don’t be. I bet you’ll kill it, just like then. _Mer, you are the best friend and partner, I could have hoped for._ No matter what, it’s special, we’re special. And I’m Team Davis-White for life.’” 

 

As he smiled and nodded before adding, “I meant every word of it—and it’s still true. Do you remember what you told me?” She nodded. Sitting there, she could recall his touch on her shoulder, his wistful smile, and his arms around her right before he left and she wondered what this had to do with anything. His smile softened, “Just know I understand now and we’ll talk about it—later.” He reached for her hand, “But I think I get it.”

 

Words failed her and he gently squeezed her hand. He understood that she didn’t have anything to say—that she wasn’t sure what to say; hell, she still wasn’t sure what he was talking about but whatever clarity he had achieved she was happy for him—she just wished she had a little more clarity. Despite, his cryptic words, she found herself relaxing and losing the tension that hung around her for the past few days. His apology was enough for now.

 

By the time, they arrived at their gate they were chatting easily about everything. And it was like it once was and she found herself realizing how much she really missed her partner. She was surprised to see Peta show up with Val but she found that the four of them were chatting like old friends. Their flight to Florida was passed by the four of them talking and sleeping. But for Meryl, it was passed thinking. She knew that once she arrived for the tour she needed to talk to the girls. Marissa knew about her and Charlie but not everything, Maia and Madison always assumed that they had dated but she never confirmed their suspicions. But she needed to talk to them—she needed advice or just a sympathetic ear but whatever it was she needed her girls.

 

* * *

 

 

Bright and early, she woke up the next morning, ready to be back on the ice. She liked the ballroom but she loved the ice. There was something so freeing about being with the person who knew you best—the only person who understood you so completely. She was also thrilled to see some of their old friends. She wanted to catch up the best she could with them and she realized how much she missed being at the rink with them. Granted, she only saw Maia on a regular basis; she saw the others at competitions. 

 

Showering quickly, she headed down to get some breakfast, running into Val and Peta in the process. After a quick hello, she declined their invitation to sit with them, feeling only a little guilty about it before she ran smack dab into Jeremy. Throwing her arms around him, they hugged as he shouted, “Oh my God, its Meryl Davis!” He picked her up and twirled her around regardless of the scene he was making. He put her down finally when he heard Charlie yell, “Don’t break my partner. I still need her.” Laughing, Jeremy set her down with a huge smile.

 

Charlie had made his way over to them and reached out to embrace Jeremy. The rest of the cast immediately ambushed them with hugs and excited voices, each talking over the next in a hurry to talk to their friends. She felt Marissa grabbing her and as they hugged, she whispered in her ear, “Skype date tonight with the girls? We have to catch up.” Marissa nodded with a smile before she let Simon sweep her up in an embrace. She exchanged so many greetings, she was hardly aware of who she was speaking with and she felt so happy. Stealing a glance over at, Charlie looked equally happy to be around their friends.

 

“This is going to be so much fun,” she heard someone remark, maybe Gracie or Ashley, she couldn’t see who was speaking. She nodded along and she noticed their DWTS partners of the week approaching. 

 

Val and Peta looked amused by their rambunctious greeting. She told the rest of the group, “This is Val and Peta, our partners this week.” She watched Val flash his most charming smile, not unlike his brother as he bowed to each of the ladies and kissed their hands, causing Gracie, Polina and Mirai to blush, Ashley to look at him suggestively while Marissa simply observed him with a small smile. She watched Val and Peta exchange a look with each other. She wondered what they were thinking but she became distracted by one of the show’s choreographers coming up to talk to her and Charlie.

 

The rest of the day passed in a blur both on the ice and off. But on the ice, practicing their routines, she never felt more at home. Their connection, despite everything that happened, was still strong. On the ice, when she closed her eyes, she could feel that moment in Sochi, just for a few seconds before she remembered she was back in the U.S. practicing a lighter, less strenuous version for the tour. At her core, Meryl Davis was an ice dancer and being back on the ice with the one person who understood her, there was something so intimate about sharing this piece with her partner. Maybe she would never understand why, but she was sure that whatever trials they had, their partnership was the one constant she had, the one thing she could count on no matter what.

 

In the ballroom, Val had worked her harder than ever and she realized there was a definite difference between the two brothers. She appreciated Val’s almost no-nonsense style and his attention to detail. But sometimes, she could feel his eyes on her, watching her, observing her every move and she wondered what he was thinking. The look was almost calculating—like he was trying to figure out all of her secrets. She could remember his and Peta’s exchange at breakfast and she wondered if that had anything to do with it. 

 

Much later that evening, she managed to grab Marissa and they escaped to Marissa’s room. Flopping down on her bed, Marissa finally said, “What’s going on? You ok?”

 

Playing with her hair, she thought about how to answer her. She wasn’t upset but she wasn’t ok either. “I’m not sure.” She answered honestly. “I saw your text the other day and actually, Charlie had been ignoring me up until yesterday.” Marissa made a small sound of disapproval as she waited for Meryl to continue. “I just don’t know. I just needed to talk to you guys.”

 

While Meryl was speaking Marissa had been working on pulling up Skype and Meryl noticed that they had an incoming call from one Maia Shibutani. Clicking on the icon, she and Marissa said hello with bright smiles on their face. The smiling faces of Maia and Madison appeared on the screen. Meryl felt a rush of emotion hit her stomach, and that tightness she felt in her chest immediately relaxed. Maia’s winged tip eyeliner was just as sharp as she remembered and Maddie’s smile was still infectious enough to light up a room and Marissa was still as perceptive as ever.

 

Immediately, the two girls started speaking at once, over top each other, dying to talk about her time on DWTS. Eventually, Marissa managed to calm them down enough for Meryl to answer, after she shot them a look that said shut up. “It’s really good. I like it—it’s different yet similar. But there’s nothing like the ice.”

 

Maddie sighed, “Your chemistry on the ballroom is so amazing though. Like I didn’t even recognize you during that last dance. And Maks is so hot.” Her sigh at the end prompted Maia to swat at her head. However, the compliment felt a little like an insult to Meryl though Maddie had no malice in saying it. She wondered did she never look at Charlie the way she looked at Maks? She felt Marissa slip her hand into hers and give it a squeeze before Maia, realizing that Meryl wasn’t quite sure about that compliment and changed the subject swiftly.

 

“So what’s like working with Maks? I mean you guys look like you get along and everything but still, it’s different working with a new partner. I mean you and Charlie are the perfect pair.” Maia said with a smile, finger tapping on the bed as she laid flat on her stomach while Maddie flopped on top of her, nodding her head.

 

“He’s very dedicated and passionate. He’s a lot mellower than I expected but he’s a good teacher. I’m glad we were paired together. He’s teaching me a lot about myself as well.” Meryl didn’t feel the need to elaborate and the longer she talked with Maia and Maddie, the more she realized that she couldn’t tell them about Charlie. They were just too young to understand, as odd as it sounded to her own ears. How do you explain your partnership and all of the struggles to two girls who pictured it to be flawless, romanticized it in their heads? Apparently Maia and Maddie didn’t remember the killer arguments around their tango in 2011. And at the end of the day, Marissa was more seasoned than either Maia or Maddie and she understood the ups and downs of partnerships better than anyone else she could have thought of at the time.

 

Changing the subject, she asked them about how things were on their end. The two girls were on a mini break from skating after the World Championships and were not joining the cast of Stars on Ice so they were back in Michigan. “You know Worlds wasn’t the same without you. We didn’t medal for the first time in forever. There’s no reason why you and Charlie wouldn’t have blown everyone away in ice dance. We missed you and Charlie and Tessa and Scott.” They admitted with a small smile, “I’m afraid we’re not ready for a world where Meryl Davis, Charlie White, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir do not compete for 1-2.” Maia finished as Maddie pulled a face and nodded.

 

Nodding, Meryl assured them that they had looked wonderful and how proud she was of them keeping three slots for the U.S. She glossed over the fact that she wished she had been at Worlds. They talked for a little longer; before Marissa told them they had to go and the girls exchanged air kisses and promises of talking again soon. As soon as they hung up and Marissa shut the laptop, Meryl let out a deep exhale. Collapsing on the bed, Meryl looked at Marissa before saying, “I slept with Charlie in Russia.” Marissa arched a brow as Meryl clarified, “Cup of Russia in 2008.”

 

Marissa leaned back and rolled onto her side looking at Meryl, studying her face as she said, “I always knew. Never for sure, but I always assumed.” Meryl nodded. “Why are you telling me this now?”

 

“Because after I slept with him, I left him—pretended it didn’t happen.” Marissa looked at her face as Meryl turned on her side, letting her dark hair fall in her face. “ _I’m a bitch. I know._ ”

 

“You’re not a  **bitch** ,” Marissa gently corrected, moving Meryl’s hair behind her ear in a soothing fashion. “But it explains a lot. You forget, I heard about your little outburst when Charlie started dating Tanith.” Meryl looked down, remembering her hurt and anger. _“You love him. You still love him.”_ She couldn’t meet Marissa’s eyes. Marissa continued to work things out. “You still love him and you decided to dedicate that dance to him. _Oh, Mer_ , _that’s why he ignored you?”_  

 

“I deserved it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to show him that I did still care about him—that because what I’ve done in the past,  **didn’t mean I loved him less. I think it meant I loved him more—I put us above everything.** ” Marissa smiled sympathetically at her as she continued, “We were fading fast and I wanted to fix it. We had dreams.” Her voice was soft, tired. “Maks wanted to talk me out of it—I could see the conflict in his eyes when I chose the song. But I needed to, didn’t he deserve to know?”

 

Marissa was silent. She knew that Meryl was lost and tired. She knew that Meryl loved Charlie so much more than Charlie would ever know and she knew that there was a strong possibility that Meryl would never love someone as much as she loved him. But she also knew that Meryl’s little dance had been probably one of the least tactful ways to make her point and Meryl was one of the most tactful people she knew. Gently she replied, “You and I both know, you could have just told him. And you had to have an inkling of how he was going to respond.” 

 

“I could have but I’ve never told him in words. I tired to tell him in Sochi and then on the plane ride back but I couldn’t. I can’t speak the words, I don’t know why.” Her voice was pained. “I gave him some bullshit about fairytales one day. And I walk away every chance I get.” She felt a tear fall down her face as she said, “I’m a coward.” 

 

Shaking her head, Marissa said, “No. You’re human. I know you love him more and I know that’s why you pretend you’re happy he dates Tanith. And it takes a brave person to give the person you love up for his own happiness, but did you ever think that you were wrong to give him up—that you miscalculated or misjudged?”

 

Meryl listened to her voice very doubt that surfaced in her head and her heart sank. She wished Marissa were saying she had done everything right—that she had done the best thing for them. “I can’t think like that—because I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t believe that I did everything for us—for the medal, for our dreams.” Her voice became stronger. “I can’t ruin his life—I won’t. It seems I keep messing up his life every time I try to explain or apologize.” Her voice was broken as she whispered, “I can’t lose him.”

 

“Ohh…” Marissa understood completely for the first time. Meryl was scared that if she did eventually tell him the truth she’d ruin everything they worked so hard to build. She wondered maybe they’d both be happier if they stopped pretending but life is more complicated than that. She only had one thing left to say, “You know, I once heard someone call you two ‘soulmates.’ And they were right—you are soulmates. But—“ 

 

Meryl cut her off. “It’s not enough. I’m not that selfish. I chose for us so many years ago—I have to let him choose for himself, instead of choosing for us. And he’s chosen—she’s perfect for him, you know? He’s lucky to have her. I don’t think I could have been as good for him as she is and I like her…”

 

“Mer, you’re rambling. Come here. You know, no matter you can count on me—I’ll always be in your corner. But you do need to tell him the truth one day. He deserves it.” Meryl leaned her head on Marissa’s shoulder as she stroked her hair. Mumbling slightly, Meryl to her, “Thanks for being the best friend I could ask for—even when I’m being an idiot.”

  
  
Meryl found herself becoming sleepy as Marissa hummed some song Meryl couldn’t place and right before Marissa turned off the light she asked quietly, “Marissa, you’ll help me right? Help me get over him.”

 

Marissa nodded and said, “Of course.” As the two girls lay there in the dark, Meryl found herself drifting to sleep until she heard Marissa’s voice say, “Just so you know, they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. So...” As her voice trailed off suggestively, they looked at each other. And just like that the two were cracking up and Meryl felt lighter than she had in a while as she fell asleep, ready for anything that could come her way tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be in C's POV and fairly C-centric, and I'm going to accelerate through DWTS a little bit but I've got a rough outline now and I've been planning the last two chapters meticulously even though I'm not close to the end. As always, drop me a line. Some more ice skaters will be making appearances in future chapters and I'd love to know what you think about how I've written them.


	9. When I Was Your Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Timing is both everything and nothing, he discovered.

_“Now my baby's dancing, but she's dancing with another man. Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say that I was wrong. Oh, I know I'm probably much too late, to try and apologize for my mistakes. But I just want you to know, I hope he buys you flowers. I hope he holds your hand, give you all his hours, when he has the chance. Take you to every party, ’cause I remember how much you loved to dance. Do all the things I should have done, when I was your man, do all the things I should have done, when I was your man.”_

 

He knew he was being eliminated the minute he and Meryl had ended up in the bottom three. The cynic in him said they finally got their drama that they had been trying to stir up for weeks. He and Meryl were  **never rivals** —not even if they were competing in a silly ballroom competition. Seventeen years worth of hard work, three different Olympic Medals, multiple World titles and a record breaking six U.S. National titles couldn’t be erased by something so trivial as a reality television show, no matter how hard they tried. Honestly, he felt _relieved to be done in many ways._ **Ever since he started this show, everything was off** .

 

But if he was being honest with himself, everything had been off for a while. Sometimes, he wondered if he was living a lie or if his life was all just a figment of his imagination. But in his dreams, he knew everything, in his dreams he had everything he wanted and that’s how he knew that real life and his imagination were two separate entities. But he was making the best of it. Sure, there had been a couple hiccups but for the most part he was dealing with the hand that he had been dealt.  **But finally, he could be free.**

 

Free from the crazy tension that seemed to be exacerbated by his time on the show with his beautiful girlfriend, free from trying to learn dances and practice skating, free from the speculative looks he got when they watched him and Meryl together and free from watching his partner, potentially, fall in love with her new partner. 

 

When he was able to separate his head from his heart, the implication hurt far more than he realized—the idea that she could be in love with her partner, or even just falling for him. Even with his newfound clarity, he watched the looks and touches that they exchanged, how his hand would linger just a fraction too long on her waist, how she melted into him and the conspiratorial smiles the two would exchange. He pretended it didn’t bother him whenever he saw Peta watching his face or even Val or Derek watching him. He was embarrassed they all seemed to pity him. 

 

Instead of becoming angry, he applauded himself at what a good actor he had become. Because despite their looks, he knew something that none of them knew—even if they speculated— **t** **hat he was a hundred percent in love with Meryl Davis and damn the consequences, he was finally going to do something about it.** He was going to tell her the truth. He could see in her eyes when he looked at her that maybe _it wasn’t quite over for them yet_ and he could sense that she still loved him deeply.

 

In the ballroom waiting for his results, he knew that he had been blessed. He had friend for life in Sharna, new clarity on his life and the courage to do something. As he stood there reminiscing, he saw those old pros giving him the looks he’d gotten since Maks and Meryl’s chemistry had seemed to heat up. And objectively, he wondered what was there to pity really? He was an Olympic Gold medalist with a beautiful girlfriend, a loving family and supportive partner, who he believed still loved him. He had it all.

 

But as he waited, he could still recall his conversation with Jeremy Abbott the night after Meryl’s dance almost six weeks ago. Despite having everything he just listed, but it all felt so empty still. He remembered the feeling like it was yesterday. He ached for something he couldn’t have or he didn’t even understand. He could still hear her voice talking to him right before that dance, haunting his dreams and consuming him. Her words, spoken right before their week three dances, had been so cryptic and so perfectly her. She never elaborated what they meant and he never asked.  **That night had through him into a tailspin that would change his life.**

 

* * *

 

 

Pacing he called Jeremy, praying to every deity that he would pick up. Murmuring, “Dammit Jeremy where are you when I need you,” until he picked up on the fourth ring. “You rang, Charlie.” Jeremy called in a lofty voice. He could visualize Jeremy sitting there, waiting until the last possible second to pick up, intentionally making himself sound more bored then he really was just to get a rise out of him. Telling him, he needed to talk to him. Jeremy interjected, “About that delicious little display Meryl and Maks put on the other day,” his voice an annoying purr, “or about how ‘happy’ you are?” Even though Jeremy intentionally set out to annoy him, his perceptiveness was better than anyone he knew besides his partner. And that’s when he remembered why he called Jeremy, despite his antics. 

 

Pausing slightly, he said, “Can we do this over Skype instead?” Jeremy informed him he was already opening his computer as Charlie opened his laptop and immediately received an incoming call. Hanging up the phone, he answered the call and saw the face of one of his best friends, looking back at him seriously, studying his face, before he pronounced with slight disgust, **“You look like shit.”**

  
“Gee thanks, you sure know how to make a guy feel better.” Charlie answered as Jeremy smirked a little before, cocking an eyebrow at him as if he was asking Charlie what he wanted. Everything came out jumbled. “She threw me the other day. Tanith won’t talk to me—she left the show early and won’t answer my calls. She texts back one word answers and I think she’s pissed at me.” He confessed with a desperate look in Jeremy’s direction.

 

Rolling his eyes, Jeremy said sarcastically, “No kidding. Which should I start with—Meryl’s dance, Tanith or you?” Without waiting for Charlie’s response, he said, “I think we should start with something a little deeper. I think we should start at the beginning.  **So Charles, start talking** .” Jeremy looked him with a little pity as he waited expectantly.

 

Instead of answering him, he said, “She told me _‘I want you to know, Charlie, that whatever happens next, just know that I meant it.’_ **But damn, Jeremy, I can’t—I don’t…** ” His voice trailed off as Jeremy watched his face. His voice was quiet when he said, _“She’s the only person who can turn my world upside down, the only one who I would drop everything for, the only one that I’ve ever really…”_ He stopped as Jeremy finished for him saying,  **“Loved.”** Charlie nodded a little, feeling ashamed to have admitted it out loud.

 

“You know,” Jeremy said, “you are two are special. Marina once said you two were _soulmates_. And you are, aren’t you? It would be a hell of a lot easier for the both of you if you weren’t, wouldn’t it?” Charlie avoided his eyes. Continuing, he said, “When did she say that to you? When exactly did she say it to you?” 

 

“Right before the dance. I walked over to her right before the show started—she looked nervous and beautiful. She was wearing lavender, lilac, whatever color it was, just like Sochi. And I couldn’t help it—she’s my partner. This week was our most memorable year. The flashbacks—I got right there in the ballroom.” Charlie ran a hand through his hair. “I comforted her and told her we were a team forever and always. And then she said that and then she danced.”

 

Shaking his head at him, he said finally. “You can be a little obtuse but my God, you’ve never been stupid. You know what she meant—especially after that little display. That song probably made any doubts you had pretty damn clear, Charlie.” Jeremy started humming the song then sang a few lines of the chorus for good measure.

 

“You’re right but I froze when I heard—when I saw. It was so intimate and unexpected from her. And I was jealous—and hurt and angry.” Throwing his hands up, he yelled, “She always manages to do it—she turns my world on its axis. Did you know she slept with me and then pretended it never happened? I mean it wasn’t bad enough when she broke up with me the first time but I’ll never forget her face the next morning— **it was if she was breaking my heart all over again and she didn’t care.** ” He ranted as Jeremy’s eyes raised, his interest piqued.

 

“So you did sleep together. I always assumed that you had to have but I bet I can even guess when. Probably right before you started dating all those women. 2008-2009 season?” Jeremy offered as he nodded. “Hmm. It explains so much. You know because she is your soulmate, that’s most likely why she can turn your world on its axis.” He suggested with a sly smile. “Now, not to get too far off topic, but was it any good?” As Charlie blushed just a little, he continued prodding, “Oh come on. You can tell me. What was it like?”

 

“It was magic. And that’s all I’m saying. But  **one night of perfection** — _it still doesn’t change the fact that the next morning waking up in an empty bed, with no note—nothing—just cold sheets and the faint scent of her perfume on my pillow was pure torture._ The look on her face the next morning was one I would never forget, it was blank. It was like it never happened and we pretended it was like it never happened. So you see, she has this ability to knock me off my feet. So yes, I am not stupid, but her dance, her words, it threw me once more.” Laughing humorlessly, “And I should know by now to never underestimate Meryl Davis.”

 

“She still loves you. You know it, I know it, Tanith knows it, probably everyone does—including her sexy partner. That’s why Tanith won’t talk to you, that’s why you deep, deep down know in your gut why she won’t answer you, why she left early. But all of theses questions you asked me earlier, you already had the answers, so let me ask you again; why did you call me? What do you need? Do you need a pep talk, a reason for staying, a reason to leave, a venting session, advice?” 

 

“I don’t know. She once told me some bullshit about fairytales—about how princes and princesses don’t end up together or get their happily ever after’s. She told me that on the way back from Sochi. Right after we won, she told me that she was sorry for everything and she walked away—so typical of her.” He sighed, “I think I just want to know what to do—with everything. The crazy thing was when she told me she was sorry, if she would have said leave her—I would have. That’s what scares me—I can’t be logical when it comes to her. She makes me lose any chance of behaving rationally and I can’t behave like a dumb eighteen year old kid anymore. But she makes me want to be reckless, she makes me want to redo the past.”

  
Rolling his eyes at him, he replied, “You know just because of everything, it does not mean that she loved you less. As for her reasons, I don’t know them but she had reasons and one day, you’ll both be able to talk to each other instead of talking to me about this. But, Charlie, I’m not Meryl. I can’t answer the questions you need answered.” Charlie nodded his head forlornly. “But I am your friend and I will always be here to help you, make fun of you, and support you.”

  
“I want everything to be easier. I want it to back to the days before,” throwing his hands up, “all this.” He gestured wildly. “It’s odd but I wish we were two little kids on the rink together once more. It was so easy then, life was so easy then.” Running his hands through his hair once more, he exhaled deeply.

 

“Grow up.” Jeremy’s tone was harsh and he looked tired now.  **“You and I both know you could end it all. All it takes is just a little break up and make up.”** Stopping Charlie’s protests before they began, he continued. _“Do you still love her? Of course you do. And does she still love you? As of Monday night, she did. So what’s stopping you?”_ Looking at his face he said, “Tanith. You could break up with her, you know. _People break up with each other all the time. It’s not too late—it’s never too late._ “

 

**“I bought a ring.”** His voice was quiet, quieter than Jeremy anticipated. He thought Charlie would protest, not sound so resigned. “I bought a ring, perfect for her. Platinum, 1.25 carets, princess cut, beautiful clarity—spent a small fortune on it.” Jeremy’s face expressed plain shock. “It’s natural, it’s the next step. We’ve been living together, we have a life together, and it’s been five years. Meryl and I are taking the season off, who knows if we’ll skate competitively again—I certainly don’t. So I think it’s a little late now.” Looking at his hands he said, “ **Don’t misunderstand me, I love her—she’s everything that I wanted, she’s been my rock, my lover, my friend.** But she’ll never be her…And I knew that when I started dating her. Is it possible to be irrevocably in love with two different people at the same time?”

 

Sighing deeply, Jeremy wondered if anything he could say would make him see reason. Would anything he say really resonate with one of the best guys he ever knew? Charlie White was almost always honorable and good and it killed him because this was one time, Charlie’s inherit goodness would backfire, spectacularly. So he resigned himself and said finally, “You know, just think about this. Don’t interrupt me, please.” 

 

Taking a deep breath he said, _“You have something that so few people have—a real soulmate, a real partner._ You were blessed with two women who love you for all that you and all that you could be. It’s something that makes me  **jealous.** But no matter what, you always have a choice. You always can change your mind, change your direction, change your life. _Can you live with yourself if you say nothing?_ **If you can, then don’t.** You can be happy with her; I’ve seen you happy with her. So really think about what you want, what you can live with.  **And if it’s not what you pictured, if you pictured that ring for someone else then it’s not good enough. Nothing is ever so final that it can’t be changed, Charlie.** You’re my best friend; you have people who love you. Alex, Evan, even Scott we’d all support you if you wanted to do what you wanted instead of what’s right or expected of you. Just think about it, ok? Because you’re not proposing tomorrow—are you?” He asked.

 

“No.” Shaking his head, “No, definitely not.” Nodding he agreed silently. Jeremy saw his words had some effect on him and he found himself talking to him about Worlds, reminding him that he’d see him soon. Before they hung up, Charlie heard Jeremy say before he hung up, “Just so you know, she gave all of herself to you once. That’s what the song meant, since you asked. And you can’t ignore her forever—you have to talk with her.”

 

That night he slept restlessly, thinking over Jeremy’s words, wondering if he really could have a choice the way that Jeremy had laid it out. And then he decided that he was being unfair to her. He felt like shit for being so rude to her. And then it hit him—she didn’t even realize why she’d chosen that song, except that she had been trying to tell him the truth. She had been trying to give him the answers he longed for and though her method had been unorthodox, he understood why she’d done it the way she had. And with that he knew he had to make it up to his partner and best friend. It gave him hope that one day, they’d be able to communicate what they really wanted to say to each other, that one day they would both have the conversation they each deserved.

 

* * *

 

 

The weeks passed in blurs. Stars on Ice was exhausting but the best feeling in the world was being on the ice with her. Add in DWTS and his own inability to master Latin dances, it was killer. The first week of the tour, there just had to be a partner switch on the show. He liked Peta a lot, she was great and he was good friends with James but it was hard trying to adapt to two different partners in such a short period of time. He’d only ever had one partner before in his entire life and as much as he liked Sharna and Peta, they were not Meryl. 

 

They’d scored dismally that week with the judges questioning everything, he felt guilty like he hadn’t worked hard enough and poor Peta had been in tears by the end of the night, feeling like she failed him and Sharna. It had been a relief that Meryl at least seemed to still be doing well—at least one of them was able to have so fun—as she tangoed across the ballroom effortlessly with her new Chmerkovskiy partner. They scored a 39, almost perfect once more. He smiles and claps as her two partners touch her, hug her, kiss her cheeks. Her smile is bright enough to light the ballroom. And he’s jealous that someone other than him is causing her to glow. And that’s when he caught the pity in Sharna’s eyes as she watched him and he knew then that she knew and understood. 

 

He wasn’t immune to the cool reception he received from his girlfriend, but he tried his hardest to make it up to her. But it was a continual work in progress. His guilt, her sadness, it wasn’t getting any easier to deal with and she was more withdrawn and quiet around him than usual. He also noticed she seemed to be talking to her partner more often. He wondered when life got this difficult but deep down he always knew things were complicated. She continued to be present at the show and supported him as always but the distance was palpable. But they settled into a routine and he felt like he finally had a semblance of control over his life.

 

The next week was Disney Week and boy was it fun. He was secretly glad he hadn’t been cast as a prince or something else like that—he only ever wanted to play the prince with Meryl. He liked the upbeat number Sharna choreographed. It was high energy and it kept him busy and not thinking about his partner in the room next door, rehearsing a steamy (or as steamy as you could make a Disney version) samba with her partner. Sharna was a godsend to him and he could tell was understanding him better than he could have ever hoped. She also didn’t give him too many more pitying looks, as if realizing that pity is probably the worst thing she could give him.

 

That week would have been perfect he hadn’t dropped the umbrella during the performance but c’est la vie. Meryl’s dance inspired four nines and he noticed the shadow of disappointment on Maks' and her face when the scores had been announced. Meryl’s recovery was better than Maks but he wondered how could they be disappointed by the results. But he never asked her.

 

He and Meryl fell into a routine as well but he could feel her pulling away a little each time. Her new partner was getting to her and he was losing her. It was evident by the next week—Party Anthem Week. His dance had been a cha-cha which received very good marks—highest for the men that night but third to her and Amy Purdy. Her dance had been something else but the part that got him wasn’t even in the dance—it was the rehearsal package.  

 

Listening to Maks frustration explode and watching her ask him to hold her hand. It was too much to bear. He felt his face freeze as he watched his partner—his Meryl—calm down her new one, who was as enamored with her as he was. Watching his hold her and kiss her forehead was torturous. And that’s when he knew that she was definitely interested him. He could hear the others around him whispering how adorable they were together and he felt sick to his stomach. Finally, he heard Sharna’s voice in his ear saying, “You need to smile, Charlie. There are cameras everywhere.” She slipped her arm around him and he pasted on his best smile as his partner tangoed her way to a perfect score.

 

But his hardest test was without a doubt Latin Week—in more ways than one. For starters, he lacked the natural ability to dance and move his hips to the requirements of Latin dance. Latin dances had never come easy for him in ice dance as well so he wasn’t surprised that Sharna referred to his movements as “white boy hips” with all the greatest affection of course she said. Add that to the pressure he felt as one of the “ringers” in the competition, he realized that the judges were slowly falling out of love with him—something he would recognize anywhere after seeing it happen to countless couples in ice dance. 

 

The Paso Doble was all about aggression and passion, two emotions that had never come easy for him—save for one night he tried to forget. He drew on every emotion in his body trying to draw that feeling from his tango that won him Worlds in 2011 but it was to no avail. Sharna wasn’t Meryl and emoting had never come easy for him. But he was giving it his best shot.

 

Then of course there was the fact that he had to learn and help plan two different dances that week. They were having a Latin freestyle face-off and he was on the opposite team as Meryl—of course. He ended up picking James and NeNe, while Meryl ended up with the expertise of Derek, Mark and Val courtesy of Amy, Candace and Danica. As much as he liked Tony and Peta, they were simply not as good as Derek, Mark and Val when it came to choreography. Add that to the fact, that NeNe screamed every time they attempted a lift and ended up almost injuring James on one attempt, it was not going as well as he envisioned when he picked his team.

 

They ended up with a decent routine that would allow each couple a chance to display their dancing skills but it wasn’t the most cohesive piece he’d ever seen. It reminded him of when he and Meryl would start a new piece that clearly needed some tweaking but in this case, this was it. He was stressed and tired and more than a little exhausted by everything. There were some days in that rehearsal room he could barely keep his eyes open but he wasn’t one to complain. Sharna tried to keep practices as short and on point as possible but with large groups, who had no other commitments, it was hard to keep them all on task.

 

He couldn’t believe that in addition to all of this, his teammates and the producers believed that he should go shirtless. Charlie White wasn’t a shirtless type of guy unless he was on a beach and he knew that this was expected but it didn’t make him any less comfortable with the idea. The only time when he got any peace was on the ice with Meryl but the time never seemed long enough. And he saw the sympathetic glances she shot him when they were able to talk. She knew that he wasn’t as good at Latin dances as he wanted to be and her quiet support helped him through the days.

 

And of course Latin night was made exponentially worse by Meryl’s costume or rather lack of costume. Clad in black leather he would have hardly recognized her expect when he looked in her eyes, he could see his partner. It didn’t help that Maks was all over her, his hands dancing inappropriately low on her hips. He just couldn’t keep his hands to himself and she didn’t even seem to mind—instead she seemed to revel in it, her face lit up with each touch and he wondered, did she ever look at him like that. He could hear her laughter from the other side of the ballroom and he found himself staunchly looking in the opposite direction. Sharna noticed his tension and tried to distract him before giving up and going to talk to Peta. 

 

He didn’t hear James come up behind him at first until his voice said, “So are you jealous or something? Because you’ve been glaring at Maks for about ten minutes straight right now.” At his bewildered look, James clarified, “Peta and Val talk—I’m a pretty good eavesdropper.” As Charlie nodded in understanding, he said, “You know I get it. It’s got to be hard seeing her dance with someone else but I’m sure she prefer to be dancing with you any day, dude.”

 

Surprised, Charlie said, “What? Just a little. It’s not so easy for me to dance with someone other than her.” His voice was bitter when he said, “Apparently, I’m the only one who feels that way though.”

 

James replied, “I don’t think so, man. I watched you win the Olympics and no matter the chemistry she exudes in the ballroom with him, it wasn’t nearly as good as what you did in Sochi.” Shaking his head, he added, “You two are magic on the ice, I’d love to see you in the ballroom. I bet you guys would be just as great.” Smiling, he clapped Charlie on his shoulder and added mischievously, “But dude, get your head in the game. ‘Cause I hear Maks looks pretty good without a shirt on so you better hope you're up for it.” Charlie laughed nervously and listened to NeNe complain about something as he waited for the show to begin. 

 

Like he thought earlier, the judges never seemed pleased with his effort any more with Len’s criticism becoming exponentially harsher. Nothing he seemed to do seemed to please him and he wondered when did he lose Len’s good opinion. He wondered if the fix was in but then he decided was this show wasn’t really worth the effort. He was sick of the contrived feeling of trying to pit him against Meryl. 

 

And it was clear that no matter what, Meryl was a better dancer than him. Watching her salsa across the floor in her tiny costume, he was strangely proud of her. She was still so graceful even when the dance was so blatantly sexual. He couldn’t help watching her as she stood there receiving her scores, and laughing slightly to himself as he watched her gently move Maks hand when it became a little inappropriate.

 

During the freestyles, his own thoughts on their dance were validated as even the nicest judge noticed lack of cohesiveness. But as terrible as it sounded, he thought they might have a chance once Amy had to withdraw from the competition that evening due to injury. He figured their rehearsal footage couldn’t be that good—and he was wrong once more. Perfectly in sync with just the right about of time devoted to each partner’s strengths, it was perfect. And he couldn’t believe they didn’t receive a perfect score from that even if he could kind of understand Len’s reasoning. 

 

* * *

 

 

Charlie reached his breaking point with the show the week before he was eliminated. Dubbed Celebrity Dance Duels, he and Meryl were prevented from dancing together once more. Instead he ended up with Candace and she wound up with Danica. He knew she liked Danica and he had nothing against Candace but they privately expressed that they wished were able to dance together. And ironically enough, this would be one of his best weeks with one of the worst guest judges—one Abby Lee Miller. 

 

Charlie White disliked very few people. He was, in general, an amiable guy who kept his dislikes to men who dated Meryl and Tanith but he made an exception in this case—that woman was horrid. He decided when he first heard her criticizing Meryl’s rumba. It was certainly distinctive and passionate with a different sort of spin—it depicted a dysfunctional relationship, dancing on the edge of abusive. But it was beautiful artistically and he told Sharna they deserved a perfect score as he clapped for her.

 

But once that woman started speaking, he felt his blood boiling. Her criticism was felt like it was personal—like she had some sort of vendetta against her, like she expected so much more. She sat there saying how Meryl’s feet weren’t pointed—sickled. And all he heard was the criticism that Meryl and he had encountered years ago. He knew that in the beginning, Meryl or he didn’t have the lines and form but they had the power and speed. She, especially, had worked extra hard to get the balletic movement of ice dance and to hear this woman talking about how her form was off was ludicrous. The way she phrased everything, talking to her as if she was a naughty child, made it worse. And for once he was so happy she had her protective partner standing there with her.

 

As she made her way up the stairs, he stepped forward and whispered, “There was nothing wrong with your feet. They were lovely. Don’t you dare think about what she said, Mer.” And of course Erin happened to pick up on the exchange and he said, “I said that all of their feet looked lovely,” playing it off the best way he could. But her grateful smile had made any embarrassment he’d felt about being caught dissipated. He couldn’t help the smile that sprung on his face when her partner indifferently said, “I don’t really care for anything that woman has to say,” which was greeted with smiles from pros and their partners alike. He let out a low hiss as her scores came back—lower than anyone else’s so far with an eight being given by that woman.

 

Their dance duel fared no better. Candace and his dance had been scored very well and he felt that though it had been good, it was nothing so spectacular as how Abby Lee Miller kept saying. He couldn’t believe she preferred Candace, who was an adequate at best dancer, to Meryl’s superior skills. And he found the smile on his mouth was more than a little forced. He wasn’t disappointed in his results but he felt for her, especially when her scores were equally as low with her criticism coming off as her simply needing a reason to justify lowball them in the scores after Maks’ criticism of her.

 

After that evening, he found her standing off to herself in her dressing room. Knocking on the door lightly, he entered and in a flash, she was in his arms. Her head rested on his chest, and he felt a little dampness on his chest. He listened to her murmur into his chest, “I shouldn’t be so upset. But I’m just disappointed...” His shirt muffled her voice and he stroked her hair until her tears dried up.

 

“You know she doesn’t know anything, right? She was just looking for an excuse to get back at you after Maks dismissed her.” Charlie whispered into her hair. He felt her shake her head and he continued, “Mer, you are an Olympic Champion, she’s just some old bitter woman. And you and I both know that your form—your feet—were fine.” She nodded and she looked up at him.

 

“I know,” her voice was still mournful, “but sometimes, I forget that we’re always under a microscope—that everyone is critiquing us, looking for reasons why we’re not good enough.” Drawing a deep breath, she said, “She reminded me of all the times, people told us we weren’t artists—that we were just relying on our athletic ability.” Her voice was stronger when she said, “You know we tried hard—we worked harder than anyone to become better dancers, to emote, to be complete competitors. And it’s stupid, but it just hit a little too close to home.” She leaned her head back down on his chest and whispered, “I just wish everything was easier.”

 

Just holding her, he knew that this was where he belonged and any insecurity about her new partner faded away in that moment. No matter how close she was to her new partner, it was evident to him that he hadn’t lost her all. She was still the same person he knew for his entire life. **Listening to her express her disappointment, frustration and holding her in his arms—it reminded him of when he first fell in love with her.** Since he was a teenager, he loved her and he realized that no matter how he tried to delude himself, that he wouldn’t love anyone as much as he loved her. There was something so right the way she felt in his arms, it was if, he marveled, like she was made for them. And ruefully, he thought about how they were still the perfect pair. 

 

After a few more minutes, he finally said, “Come on. Let’s go back to the hotel room and watch a stupid movie and I’ll even get us some snacks. Forget about her and tonight. You’re still the best dancer in this competition and I bet you’ll win anyway, Mer.” He smiled as she threw her arms around him once more as she nodded. 

 

That night, he couldn’t recall what movie was playing on the screen but as they lay on her bed, his arm around her, he couldn’t have cared less. She fell asleep well before him and he couldn’t bear to leave her, he kept stroking her hair, looking at her, memorizing her. He eventually slipped out of her room at shortly after 2 am, but he left a note on her bedside—he couldn’t fathom not leaving a note—that said he would meet her for breakfast after he made sure she had an alarm set. And in his own room, he dreamed of what his life would be like if he really told her, what their lives could really look like and he felt more than content the next morning when they met for breakfast.

 

* * *

 

 

In what would prove to be his last week as a competitor in the show, his focus was almost shot. Lingering thoughts about his partner made it difficult to concentrate and for one he really contemplated burning down the house, so to speak. He thought about breaking up with his girlfriend, making a grand gesture, expressing to her exactly how he felt. It was not coincidence that though his focus wasn’t there, he seemed happier and despite his lack of focus, his dances seemed to be progressing nicely.

 

He caught Sharna looking at him that week intently; analyzing him, trying to decode what had brought about his decidedly airy attitude. But he didn’t care what she thought even though it was obvious she was less then thrilled with his focus, or lack there of, during practice. Instead one day after he had a rough time staying focused, she said, “Something’s different about you. Do you want to tell me about it?” She looked at him expectantly.

 

Instead he just shook his head and smiled saying, “Just happy—I’ve been thinking a lot lately and I’m sorry it’s been so hard for me to pay attention.” He offered with a sheepish grin. “I promise, I can focus—we did so well last week. I want us to just as good this week or even better.” He said as she smiled approvingly, but she didn’t quite let the subject drop as easily as he wanted her to, instead pressing him a little harder.

 

“You were pretty upset last week about Meryl’s scores, you positive there isn’t something else going on?” Her voice was quiet, as he shook his head no, empathetically. “I know you weren’t talking about Maks’ feet last week. You were only concerned for Meryl.” She stopped his weak protests with a plaintive, “Come on, Charlie, we’re partners.”

 

He finally offered, “I think you already know, Sharna.” Her surprised look told him everything, “I’ve seen you watching me, watching us. I think you already know but just to se the record straight, I love her.” His voice was so serious, Sharna couldn’t help but feel her heart warm just a little more. Nodding, she said, “Well, we’d better get back to work.” And then adding more quietly, “Thank you for telling me, but I’ve known since the moment I saw you two skate together.” He looked a little shocked that she knew for so long and hadn’t said a word but all she said with a mysterious smile was “I hope you still want to kick her butt because I’m in it to win it.”

 

He almost called Jeremy a million times that week, ready to eat crow and tell him that he was right, but he paused. He thought Meryl deserved to know first and he couldn’t tell her right now, not with them both still working so hard at DWTS. He wasn’t quite sure how he wanted to tell her anyway but he was positive that now was not the right moment. Instead he settled for spending the most amount of time he could justify with her. If she noticed anything about his attitude, she never commented on it. But he felt his connection to their programs was stronger than ever.

 

The night of American Icons Week, he felt uncharacteristically nervous for once. He wasn’t sure if it was the newfound knowledge that he wanted—needed—to tell her about the depth, the truth of his feelings, or it was something else. He didn’t have to feign too much shock when Tom announced that he, Meryl and Amy were in the bottom three. He saw it coming from a mile away but it didn’t mean that he was upset, he thought, perhaps this is the world telling me that I can tell her right after this. 

 

Immediately, after he found himself relaxing some as he dance his first dance—a foxtrot—to the tune of a perfect score. He watched Meryl dance flawless jive and he was content in the knowledge that if he was right and he was being sent home, that his partner would still won. He was sure there was no one or nothing quite like Meryl Davis when she was motivated. 

 

He heard Sharna murmuring in his ear that it was a very real possibility that they were being sent home during a commercial break. She theorized that their fans might have elected to save Meryl last week after seeing her scores, assuming his high ones would save him. He did feel a pang of disappointment for Sharna who wanted this so badly and he knew that though he would like to win, he didn’t particularly want it with the burning desire his pro and his partner’s pro had expressed. He was resolved to give it his best effort and he tried to cheer Sharna up but his heart wasn’t quite in it and she knew it.

 

Instead he pretended to focus on the screen, while standing on the ballroom floor waiting to dance, which showed him and Scott Hamilton talking. Scott was a good guy and an even better skater, who had inspired him so much as a skater since he was a child. And once that package was complete he waited for his music to begin so he could dance his second dance of the evening. His samba was received fairly well as well scoring all nines but he knew in his heart that this wouldn’t save him. 

 

And he was fine with it—especially after he watched Meryl’s gorgeous Viennese Waltz. It was breathtaking with her full skirt flying out around her and her ability to act and emote would never cease to amaze him. He listened to everyone else whisper about how she could possibly be in the bottom three. And he restrained himself from saying that it was the fault of a vindictive judge, opting to smile and take unbridled pleasure in her dancing. She wowed the judges to a perfect eighty-out-of-eighty on the night. He even managed to smile when Maks talked about how he would dance many more weeks with her. 

 

And of course there was grand climax of reality television—the elimination. He felt no nerves as he stood on the stage with Meryl and Amy. Just as before, he was sure he was being eliminated, a thought, which seemed justified as Amy was called safe first. He could see the stunned faces on the audience and on some of his cast mates faces’ as they watched him and Meryl wait for their results. And once he would have bet that he and Meryl would both make the final but now it was clear that it was only going to be her.

 

He heard Erin’s voice say, “So that means. So that mean’s that our Olympic partners are going to be broken up one week before the finals. Meryl and Maks and Charlie and Sharna, while not necessarily the bottom two, one of you had the lowest combined total of viewers’ votes and judges scores will be eliminated this evening.”

 

Tom continued saying, “Meryl and Maks—Meryl, throughout the season, you’ve lead the pack in judges’ scores and last week you ended up at the bottom of the leader board for the first time, was that a costly slip up?”

 

As Erin said, “Charlie and Sharna—Charlie, you kicked off the season at the top of the leaderboard and last week you took your first perfect score of the season. Did the viewers vote to send you to the finals?”

 

“On this ninth week of competition,” Tom said, “the couple, rather surprisingly leaving right now is…” Pausing for dramatic effect before he said, “Charlie and Sharna.” Charlie immediately grabbed Sharna into a tight hug, feeling just a little disappointed for the both of them. He told Sharna under his breath how proud he was of them and he was sorry while she just hugged him closer.

 

When he was called over to say something, he already knew what he was going to say, “I think all of these people are so deserving. From start to finish, it’s been an amazing journey. The friendship and love we all share with each other has been amazing.” Before he finished, he smiled wider and said, “Now I can 100 percent be a cheerleader—Team Meryl.” He turned back to point towards her, adding, “Love you.” And watching her face light up was more than enough for him. He knew as the live show ended that this was the moment, that he had no other reasons to delay it.

 

The press after the elimination seemed tedious and he was desperate to leave—to go find her but he had obligations and he told himself it could wait. He reiterated how happy he was for everyone else and made sure to let the media know that he was always going to be Meryl’s time. In his head, it still all felt contrived—like they had been bored with the story and wanted to try and interject some controversy into it. But they should have known better—he couldn’t even remember a time when he hadn’t been on the same team as Meryl.

 

As soon as his obligations were done, he decided to go find her. Sharna only gave him a small half-smile as she reminded him that they had to leave in about two hours to fly to New York for GMA. He nodded and kissed her on the cheek lightly as he turned and left. He wasn’t quite sure but he thought he heard her say, “Go get her,” under her breath before he left but he wasn’t wasting any time. Meryl had finished her press before him and he was sure she was in her dressing room.

 

As he raced towards her dressing room, desperate to see her, tell her everything that was on his mind, he played out the scenario once more in his head. Over the last few days, he had run through every possibility and he was sure that he needed to tell her. When he finally made it to her dressing room, he stopped in his tracks when he saw her door was slightly ajar—just enough so he could see through the crack. 

 

Her back was to the door and she wasn’t alone. Her partner was standing there, arms around her waist, resting low on her hip. He was whispering softly to her and her arms were around his neck. He couldn’t see her face but he could see she was saying something back to him, her voice to low for him to hear exactly what was said. That’s when he noticed the way her partner was looking at her.

 

He was looking at her the way a man dying of thirst looks at water—drinking in her form, her face, her smile. _He recognized that look—he had seen that look before—the look of enchantment, infatuation and love—on someone else’s face his own._ His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest he wasn’t sure how they couldn’t hear it. He was ready to push through the door and announce his presence but he was frozen in place, like a statue. And then, like it was slow motion, he watched him learn forward every so slightly. He knew what was about to happen and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the two of them as he watched him kiss her and  **he felt his heart shatter once more.**

 

And with that Charlie White lost all of the courage he had saved for this moment and turned on his heels and ran in the opposite direction. He didn’t need to be there to see how that story ended—he’d seen that ending before. As he ran away, he told himself it would have been different if she hadn’t returned the kiss—if she moved away or rejected him but she hadn’t. As he made his way towards his dressing room, his mouth curved into a bitter smile, and he found himself saying to himself, _you, Charles Allen White, are a complete and utter fool._ **And in that moment, he knew exactly what Meryl had meant about fairytales and happy endings.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being super long--though not on purpose. But we will have back to back male POVs for the next chapter and it picks up directly where this one left off--only question is it M or C's POV? Guess you'll have to wait to find out. As always, I love feedback and please drop me a line.


	10. Latch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's about knowing when the right time is and reminding someone that you care enough about them to wait until they are ready.

_“You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down. You, you enchant me even when you’re not around. If there are any boundaries, I will try to knock them down. I’m latching on babe, now, I know what I have found. I’m so en-captured, got me wrapped up in your touch, feel so enamored. Hold me tight within your touch. How do you do it? You got me losing every breath, what did you give me to make my heart bleed out of my chest? I feel we’re close enough, could I lock in your love? Now, I’ve got you in my space, I won’t let go of you. Got you shackled in my embrace, I’m latching on to you.”_

 

**Hindsight is always 20/20** . And the minute his lips touched hers, _he knew it was a huge mistake on his part._ But he just couldn’t help himself— **self-restraint had never been his strong suit and it was one full display as soon as he made the decision to kiss her.** And it seemed like the perfect moment with the two of them in her dressing room, her eyes still a little bright from the performance and she looking towards him, saying something he was ashamed to admit that he wasn’t paying full attention to, but he was wrong—he must have read the signs wrong. It was evident by how quickly she pushed him away just when he thought she was beginning to respond to him. Her cheeks flushed and her eyes wide as she cried, “What are you doing?” Her voice was equal parts surprised and confused, and did he detect some anger in it as well? 

 

Never lacking for self-confidence, he suddenly felt very self-conscious and nervous so he stammered, “Kissing you.” But it came out more like a question than a reply as she gathered herself together. Her brow was so closely knitted and she frowned a little deeper but he couldn’t help but admire her flushed cheeks, a flush he caused. But he sobered immediately when her features gained a hard edge.

 

“You can’t do that again.” Her voice was cold, frigid as Michigan in the winter but her eyes were blazing, bright with fire. “Please don’t do that again.” She said, her voice quieter and softer, vulnerable. “You’ll only complicate things and my life,” she laughed humorlessly, “is complicated enough right now.” She turned away from him and he watched her shoulders shake a little, like she was trying to pull herself together. “Maks, you are a dear friend so please, let’s not try to complicate matters.” Her spine straightened as if there was steel in it as she turned back around and gave him a small smile before saying, “I…I need to go…I want to find Charlie before he leaves. Goodnight.”

 

As he watched her walk away, he wondered what had gone through her head those precious few seconds she turned away from him. He wanted to know her innermost thoughts and he still longed to meet the woman behind the façade. For a second, kissing her he thought he found the woman—found a piece of her but she rejected him. Surprisingly, the rejection didn’t hurt the way he thought it would nor did it diminish his interest in her.

 

Dazedly, he left and ran right into Val, who raised one eyebrow when he realized he was coming out of Meryl’s dressing room. But as Val peered in, he saw that Meryl was nowhere in sight. Shaking his head slightly, he waited for Maks to say something but Maks just shrugged his shoulders and said, “I’ll tell you at home.” Val simply nodded in reply and watch his big brother amble down the corridor and into his dressing room.

 

As Val watched him leave, Val heard someone come up besides him—Sharna. “What’s wrong with him?” She asked her accent soft. She was already changed and ready to go to New York. Val shrugged his shoulders in reply. She then asked, “Have you seen Charlie? He was looking for Meryl earlier but they’re not in her dressing room or his.” And just like that a light bulb clicked on in Val’s head. Nodding before he added that he hadn’t seen either he excused himself from Sharna before wishing her good luck and headed off to find Tony.

 

Instead of finding Tony, he found Meryl and Charlie. Meryl looked like she was crying and she had her arms around him. She was still dressed in her costume. He couldn’t quite make out Meryl’s face but he could see the bitter disappointment on Charlie’s face that Meryl couldn’t. He leaned forward a little, berating himself on the inside for eavesdropping but he couldn’t help it—and he clearly wasn’t the only one—he saw Maks standing not far away from them as well, only a few steps away from him. But they were so enraptured in their own little world, neither noticed.

 

“You know it just isn’t fair—you weren’t supposed to be leaving today. I should have been.” Her voice was muffled as she buried her head into his chest when she asked sadly, “What am I going to do without you?” 

 

He saw Charlie lift her head and softly say, “You can. Mer, you’ve always been stronger than me.” He noticed the look of tenderness and unrequited love on Charlie’s face. It was like a dark shadow on his face and he felt horribly guilty for watching them. He watched Charlie pull himself together enough to say softly, tenderly, “It’s only one more week, Mer.” He seemed to choke the next words out, “And you know, you have friends here. I’ll only be gone for a few days.” His smile become less forced, tenderer when he said, “I would have loved to make it to the finals with you. Now, please win it for me—for us.” His smile broke Val’s heart for them and he stole a look at Maks’ face that was still unsure about what he was witnessing. 

 

Before he could see Meryl’s reply, he grabbed Maks’ arm and pulled him away from the scene, whispering, “Give them their privacy.” He wondered if his brother realized just how interconnected his partner’s life was with her real partner. He and Peta had speculated before but they made sure to never involve Maks. It was clear to the two of them that Maks was smitten with his ice dancing partner, who they realized burned brightest for her partner of seventeen years. Maks didn’t protest nor did he look back as they made their way down the hallway. He looked like he was lost in deep thought and Val had no idea what to say. He was just glad Meryl and Charlie hadn’t caught them spying on them—even if they had been in public. It had been such an intimate and vulnerable moment for the two of them and he was sure that neither one would want people gawking at them any more than they already did. He even felt a little stab of guilt when he realized just how much he and the other cast members speculated and obsessed over their relationship and that made him feel even worse.

 

Maks’ face revealed nothing as they headed home, his brother didn’t even attempt conversation with him but he was desperate to know what he was thinking. Maks saw Val trying to discretely shoot him glances out of the corner of his eye but he staunchly avoided any eye contact. He was too busy processing everything that had happened to answer Val’s unasked questions. He hurried to his room before Val even had a chance to stop him—he wasn’t sure he could talk to Val right now.

 

He flicked on the light with a hand and shut he door firmly, locking it. He reached for his laptop and then climbed into his bed. Maks didn’t open it, but sat there contemplating what exactly he wanted to do. Tonight was crazy—he kissed his partner, who in turn rebuffed him and ran straight into her partner’s arms, who he knew had a girlfriend. He knew he shouldn’t have kissed her—he knew she was upset about Charlie leaving but he couldn’t help himself. And he never expected her to rebuff him the way she did. Nor did he except to find the two of them together, in a seemingly intimate position. 

 

_I’m an idiot_ , he whispered aloud, hoping that by saying aloud it would sink in but it didn’t work the way he hoped. He figured she and her partner had a not so platonic relationship from how protective they were about each other. Their protectiveness could have been explained by saying that they’re relationship was similar to that of siblings, but they never categorized their relationship as such, always taking such care to dance on the line between romantic and non-romantic. Instead such words as special were used more often than not and he wasn’t dumb.

 

Frustrated he asked himself, what did he see in her that haunted his dreams. She wasn’t his typical type, he knew that from the beginning but there was something about her that drew him to her like a moth to a flame. His other girlfriends were all much more alike than her, whereas she was delicate, beautiful, kind, smart and hopelessly devoted to her partner. He could finally see that—maybe it was the feeling of forbidden romance that he liked or maybe he was simply a man who was always intrigued by what he couldn’t have. It had never been clearer to him that whatever she and Charlie have or had wasn’t as done as either liked to pretend.

 

It would be easier if he disliked Charlie, he supposed. He and Charlie were actually almost friends by now and he enjoyed the blonde’s humor and slight awkwardness and he admired his fierce protectiveness of his partner. But Charlie White was an all around good guy who cared for his partner unequivocally and unconditionally. He remembered the night of Abby Lee, how Charlie had tried to make her feel better and how he almost interrupted them that night, in her dressing room where she was crying on his shoulder. He should have guessed then, he summarized. He remembered the look on Charlie’s face—so tender and loving, even though she couldn’t see it. And he wondered, how does one compete with that?

 

Shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it, he told himself, he can’t compete with someone who’s not even supposed to be in it. Because if Charlie ever did step into the ring, he would lose regardless of how attracted she was to him. And he knew Meryl was attracted to him—it was in the way she spoke to him, her air, the way she flirted back but she never crossed that line between flirting and hinting that she could be interested in more. So the kiss was on him but damn if she didn’t act like she could have been more interested than she was. But her words never said she wasn’t interested but simply that now was not the right time.

 

He wasn’t sure if there would ever be a right time for her. She mentioned in passing an ex-boyfriend but he was aware that boyfriends were rare to her, despite her stunning looks. If his exes were numerous, hers were nonexistent. When he searched the Internet for information about her, he saw things about her coach’s son but there was nothing else. She seemed to be solely devoted to her art and he knew that change from training every day for countless hours were so different than her life right now. She reached the pinnacle of her sport and countless times, he saw her looking off into the distance like she wasn’t sure what came next.

 

And that’s what drew him to her, in some ways. The woman behind the skater was so much more interesting than he anticipated her being and he realized that her life was messy and complicated. So making a move wasn’t the right play but it didn’t mean that he didn’t wish it were. He was all too aware of how busy her life was right now from the show to SOI and many of her other commitments that hadn’t even been announced yet. But he knew that this was worth exploring, maybe she wasn’t ready for right now but she could be ready in a few months. 

 

He needed her to understand that he was willing to wait for her. It was a crazy feeling but it was a feeling he felt was worthy of exploring. Their chemistry was electric and she balanced him out in ways he never imagined a woman. She understood him and she cared about him, even if it was solely as a friend right now. And he liked her independence—she wasn’t ever going to be as clingy as his girlfriends in the past and she was more than comfortable doing her own thing, a dramatic departure from his previous girlfriends. He was used to a different role in life and it was almost the opposite with her, being the caretaker even as his friend. 

 

Sighing he reached for his phone and texted her a short message where he apologized once more and told her he was more than happy to just be her friend. He knew that one day he would be able to tell her how he really felt and she would be ready to hear it but he understood her life was complicated.

 

He heard a gentle rap on the door and he knew it was Val. He wanted to tell him to go away but he didn’t instead he unlocked the door and let him in with a smile. Val looked concerned for him and he knew that Val was far more observant than he pretended to be. Val entered and sat down on his bed with him, Val, never one to mince words, said, “Talk to me, bro. What’s going on with you and Meryl?” 

 

“Nothing—honestly, little one.” He smiled at Val’s skeptical look. “I think you know what I’ve been thinking. I’m not blind—I see the way you watch me and them.” He teased his brother gently who had the grace to appear embarrassed. “I understand—I can’t stop watching them.”

  
Val interjected,  **“You can’t stop watching her,”** while Maks laughed. “It’s true, she could be good for you—she is good for you but bro, I don’t think…”

 

Maks cut him off as his voice trailed off, “I know. I agree. She made that very clear tonight but I think in the future.” Val was slowly trying to piece things together but he was still confused. “We could have a future together but she isn’t ready. She told me that much tonight. Her life is busy.” He added.

 

Val said, “Since you know I have been watching them, I’m not so sure about that.” His voice was quiet when he said, “Do you remember the switch-up week?” After a nod, he continued, “I used to just watch them and I know why you watch their old programs, it’s magnetic when they’re together. And you can’t win against that—she still wants him, on some level.”

 

“I’m not sure if it’s want but rather need. But she doesn’t know how to function without him and it’s the same with him.” Maks said, touched by his concern for him. _“They spent almost every day for the last seventeen years together—how can one separate themselves from the other? How can you live without the other?”_ He asked, knowing that an answer wasn’t expected. “I’ve always understood that I can’t compete with that—no can but I don’t want to compete. I can function in a role like Charlie’s girlfriend—but only when she’s ready. And she’s not right now—she isn’t there yet. She still can’t see past their history.”

 

“But, Val, I really like her—I could fall in love with her. She’s this perfect blend of independence and kindness; she’s sexy and sweet but innocent in many ways. And I think I’m halfway there as it is. And when kissed her—it was bliss.”

 

“Wait you kissed her?!” Val exclaimed. “What? When? How did I not know this?” Val accused, his eyes wide. He couldn’t wait to text Tony and let him know that Maks was more than smitten—Maks was in love whether he realized it or not.

 

“Tonight—it was a mistake because she wasn’t ready and she told me so but I can see it in her eyes. There’s something there worth exploring, worth waiting for and I’m going to wait, be her friend, be her confidant and one day hopefully her lover.” He said while Val nodded silently, thinking how mature that response from Maks.

 

“You fall in love easily. I call it ‘emotionally irresponsible,’ so I have to ask why her? She’s not Karina or Peta or Kate. She’s nothing like them and she wouldn’t be considered your type so I have to know—do just want what you can’t have?” Maks looked hurt, before Val held up a hand and said, **“I like her—I like that she’s different—she challenges you,** she makes you better but from what I can tell her world has been limited by her sport and I care for her as a friend. And I care for you. There’s a possibility that you’ll never be what he is to her. Can you live that?” Maks started to answer him, but Val shook his head and said, “Just think about what I said.  **I don’t think your toying with her but don’t get your heart broken in the process of fixing hers.** ” He hugged his brother before saying good night, thinking that this was the best way to end the conversation.

 

Maks thought about what Val had said and wondered if maybe he was right but he knew that he wasn’t. She was exactly what he had been looking for and he didn’t even know it. And he still couldn’t help himself that night though from re-watching their old programs once more before he stumbled on their performance at the Cup of Russia in 2008. And as he fell asleep that night, he wondered why that time their performance seemed so much angrier and colder than the other times.

 

* * *

 

 

The finale week brought insurmountable pressure. He was drowning under the expectations and she wasn’t faring much better. She missed her partner he could tell and sometimes, he saw her questioning why she was still here. But she was determined to bring the trophy home for him. But that didn’t change the fact that they were under intense pressure as the favorites who had to wow with a new Argentine Tango and Freestyle. 

 

He knew that their tango would be forever compared to Val’s version so he wasn’t sure he could make the choreography bear even the slightest resemblance to it if he could help it. He didn’t want to evoke comparisons so he tried to place more emphasis on their chemistry to drive the piece. It was risky and he knew he was resting a little on his laurels so to speak but he figured why not give the audience and judges what they wanted. He knew Carrie Ann and Bruno were already in love with them and he knew Len liked Meryl’s dancing so why not try a different angle.

 

And for the freestyle, he decided to put the focus on them once more. It was intimate and beautiful. The song choice was inspired and he never felt so in tune with any partner before than he did with her. Val had seen a couple rehearsals and swore up and down nothing could be better. He told Meryl that this dance was just about them—their partnership, their journey and he could tell she really loved the dance. She never mentioned the kiss but he could see it was still in her mind when he looked into her eyes. But she refused to discuss it and he didn’t want to press her.

 

In addition to this, because it was the finale the producers decided now would be the perfect time to get their Olympic winning partners on the floor to dance. He wasn’t asked to choreograph it—that honor went to Charlie’s partner, Sharna and though he was disappointed he understood why. Sharna was an excellent choreographer and she had a great rapport with both Charlie and Meryl. 

 

He would admit to being thrown when he heard the producers and she choose “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz. It wasn’t the type of song he thought they would choose for them because it was a love song and he questioned the choice to Sharna one day when Meryl and Charlie were otherwise occupied.

 

She replied, “I think it’s lovely and fitting.  **They’ve been together for seventeen years, there’s a lot of love there and they’ve never given up on each other.** There’s a partnership that’s lasted longer than some marriages.” She gave him a pointed look and stated simply, _“Green isn’t a flattering color on you.”_

 

He had the decency to blush before replying, “I’m not jealous. I just think there were better song choices.” He defended himself as she raised an eyebrow at him, her expression sardonic.

 

Observing them practice a lift and watching her face light up as he held her, Sharna finally said, “You know he’s in love with her too. Has been for years, doesn’t matter about the girlfriend. But he’s a good guy, probably too good a guy. So while, they could be in love with each other, neither will act on it. So your jealousy is misplaced.” He couldn’t help shooting her a glance. “I like you, Maks and because you’re my friend, I’ll give you some free advice. You’ll never be able to be her Tanith. You aren’t built for it. His girlfriend has a similar background to them but even she…” Shaking her head, she added, almost as an afterthought,  **“But that doesn’t mean that one day she couldn’t be happy with you. The only question then is can you be happy with her.”**

 

Nodding silently, he asked, “How did you know?” She looked over at him questioningly. “I mean, how did you know? Really know,” gesturing around as he watched her laugh as Charlie pretended to drop her, “about that? I don’t think it ever really became real to me until recently.”

 

“I think I’ve always known on some level. _It was the way he reacted to her—it’s the way he looks at her when he thinks no one’s watching. It’s how protective he is of her._ It was watching them on ice together—live. It’s in her eyes when she smiles at him, _it’s the way she looks at the way him like he’s the only thing that matters._ I knew before he even acknowledged anything. And you knew too—you and I have speculated on it before but you just didn’t want to see it.” Her tone became wistful, “You know sometimes when they’re together, it’s like the world doesn’t exist. They could just float away from the rest of the world. They’re so attuned to each other and it’s something so beautiful to watch. I love watching them. You should try it—maybe then you’ll understand.”

 

Speechless, he said nothing as he watched her walk away. He lingered for almost half an hour when he was supposed to be tweaking their dances, mesmerized by really watching them the way Sharna said. Her smile was brighter when Charlie lifted her effortlessly in his arms, they looked so right together. And he watched and watched—unable to get his fill of them. 

 

He knew that Sharna was right when she said he was jealous but he wondered who wouldn’t be. He wondered about his girlfriend—how she took watching them knowing that she would never be enough. He wanted to talk to her but he wasn’t sure how to—would she even want to talk to him? He met her a few times and she was gorgeous, talented, and caring. She was supportive of their career and she loved him deeply but he could tell that she wasn’t as unaware as he thought she was and he emphasized with her for the first time. Maybe one day, he told himself, he would have the courage to ask her.

 

* * *

 

 

Finale night brought about more nerves than he ever expected. As a seasoned pro, he didn’t understand why he was so nervous. Meryl seemed perfectly at peace with everything, not even fighting, just blithely talking to Amy and Candace like nothing was out of the ordinary. He was so nervous that Tony had to go talk him off the ledge a couple times while Val hovered near by, trying to lend support when he could. But the pressure was getting to him, he couldn’t stop second guessing his choreography or wondering if there was any possible way he could blow it this time. He’d been close before and yet still it never seemed to come close enough.

 

But when Meryl slipped her hand into his, it was like all of his fears vanished. He knew it was silly, but he was head over heels for her and her touch could simultaneously relax and drive him mad. She offered him her brightest smile and she told, “We’re going to give it our all tonight. We’re going to win.” And then she hugged him close.

 

As they danced their Argentine Tango, he marveled at the women, who he was unashamed to admit that he was in love with. She glided across the floor with reckless abandon, moving perfectly in tune with the music and choreography. The sultry looks she shot him just completed the dance and there no acting on his part—he wanted her desperately. She was perfection. As the judges tried to explain what they to them—their chemistry, their story, they even had such a hard time putting it into words—hell, Maks wasn’t sure he could but as Len said, “Last time I saw it I said it was the dance of the night and there’s nothing I’ve seen that will make me change my opinion tonight.” 

 

And then of course there was their freestyle—his most anticipated dance of the evening. The song was “Latch” by Sam Smith, it was beautiful and Maks couldn’t help but smile in anticipation. And of course they were treated to a tribute to Meryl right before which took them through her life. He enjoyed watching it and learning a little more personal details about his partner but he was stunned to listen to her friend claim that Charlie was like her brother. How could she be right? Had she ever seen them together? Meryl’s face was impassive, it blushed though when they talked about what he was able to bring out in her and his pride swelled. But in his mind, what she had been able to bring out in him was far greater than he had been able to bring out in her. 

 

Their freestyle was nothing short of amazing. When they were dancing, it was if they were by themselves with no audience. As he told Erin, they were going to do a dance for them. It was a dance for them, about them and he poured every inch of emotion into that dance. It was passionate and sweet, surprisingly tender and intimate yet oh so beautiful. He was stunned at the result. The words seemed to speak to him on a different level. If she would let him, he vowed, he would latch onto her and never let her go. 

 

As he looked out in the audience, he saw tears on some people’s faces. He saw Danica mouthing “Wow” from her place next to Charlie and NeNe. He didn’t really look at Charlie’s face, before moving on, eyes lingering on just a few more people until he was faced with the judges who seemed to be in awe. He could hear the judges beginning to speak as Carrie Ann started sobbing. “First of all I think you two should get married. We’re all thinking it right?” Her voice got a little stronger, “I love gimmicks and show-stopping thing—it’s fun. But you just got real. This is what true dance is about—dance is about the soulful expression of your true self, it has honesty, it has integrity, it has substance. What you just did there is the most stunning example of divinity in motion.”

 

Bruno echoed her comments, saying, “And it keeps getting better. What you two have created is as close as it gets to a flawless work of art. Thank you.” And one to never be left out of the conversation, Len added, “There were no gimmicks, there were no gags. You just came out and danced. I’ll tell you there’s good, there’s great, then there’s Meryl.”

 

As they stood up there talking to Erin, he couldn’t fight the overwhelming emotions that were creeping up on him for the past few weeks. He knew in his heart that this was his final season—his brother and family knew, his friends knew and yet, here he was in his last chance and he wasn’t sure how to feel. He left the show for a time a few seasons ago but this was it. He was done with this part of his life. He remembered being floored when the producers had asked him to return. His temper tantrums were well publicized and he wasn’t always popular with the judges or producers but they asked him for one more season, swore they had the perfect partner. And he wanted it—he wanted something to show for thirteen seasons of work on the show. So he agreed and here he was the night before the final episode of season 18, in tears.

 

Tony tried his best at comforting him. Tony understood how emotional he was and Val tried earlier but he didn’t quite understand the way Tony did. So Val sent Meryl over and he watched Tony quietly slip away. As she held him as he whispered to her about this being his last time on the show, how this was his last freestyle and she said simply, “I’m honored that I got to do your last freestyle with you.” He could still feel the kiss on his cheek as he eventually pulled himself together enough to learn that they had made it into the top three. 

 

That night they worked harder then ever on their fusion—cha cha and foxtrot. There was nothing left by the end of the evening and they were both ready for the next day. They spent the entire day together the next day in preparation for the finale—from taping a pre-results show to rehearsing. Eventually, Meryl left to go do a costume fitting while he took that time to relax and reflect. It had been a long journey but he would dance another hundred weeks with her if he could. He was sure that all of his disappoints had been leading up to this moment and he was ready to seize the day.

 

The finale brought about a lot of nervous anticipation and stress to the final three. The others returning were just happy to be back and taking bets on who won. It could be heard throughout the ballroom that NeNe had started an over-under on Meryl and Maks’ almost kisses last night. James and Peta were practicing their freestyle one last time, after being informed they won the encore dance. Danica and Val were laughing over something with Sharna, who seemed to be missing her partner. Cody was talking animatedly to Witney about his performance while some of the earlier contestants simply looked on. 

 

Once the show began, it was like he was on autopilot. There was no time to think or even react. Methodically, their team danced their freestyle once more and Maks felt himself lose his balance towards the end taking Derek down with him as they laughed on the floor. And he knew that this was the beginning of a long night. He barely watched the returning couples dance once more, mentally running through their dance as she practiced her little bumper with Charlie. The show had been teasing this and it was going to have to be short due to Meryl dancing in two other dances. He remembered Sharna complaining that she only got such little time with them and how much more she felt she could pull from them but that’s life she said with a casual shrug when she ran out of steam.

 

He did take the time to watch her and Charlie’s dance and it was touching and tender. She trusted him so easily on the floor. Their lifts were effortless and he understood that it came from years of practice. He noticed that some of their lifts were reminiscent of their ice dance routines but they translated well on the floor. He wondered if they returned to competition if they would ask one of their newfound friends to help with choreography since it worked so well when they worked with Derek. The tender part at the end almost did him in and he wondered was this what it was like for her partner to watch him with her. 

 

As the show continued, he knew the producers couldn’t help but embarrass him by including a lovely segment that he liked to call, “Maks likes to see how uncomfortable he can make his partner.” While Meryl gave the diplomatic, and true, answer of she couldn’t talk about that with her laugh, and talking about their unique relationship, he just had to give the producers what they wanted by saying, “I want to ravage her and have ice skating, big Russian mean babies. We’re going to call them Boris and Oleg, Their nicknames are going to be ‘bear’—both and just have one nickname for both, which ever one comes first will be it.” And when he was asked when he was going to ask Meryl to marry him he said, “Probably tomorrow.”

 

And of course they cut right to their interview with Erin. He saw Meryl mouthing wow from his doubled over position. He was trying not to show how badly he was blushing as Erin said, “And now here’s my cue to do the interview. Can we cut to this blushing now?” as he turned around, desperately trying not to make a bigger fool of himself than he already did. “I saw the blushing on Maks’ face.” 

  
When he turned around he said, “I want to go on the record and say I have no desire to name my kids Boris and Oleg. No disrespect to Boris and Oleg’s out there.”

 

Erin fired back, “But I love the name ‘bear,’ what about that?” Her smile was reminiscent of the cat that ate the canary. Meryl finally piped in saying, “maybe a dog” while he protested saying, “it wasn’t very cute.” But Erin overruled them saying, “Well that’s boring, because you know I just came to your living room where you’re dancing and I’m going to ask to ask you about these babies. I love this idea, what do you think of it?” She asked Meryl while he mouthed no trying to get play it off as a joke.

 

Meryl said, “What idea to whom?” She was trying to weasel out of the question but Erin wouldn’t let her saying in a very matter of fact tone, “Having babies with Maks.” While Meryl mumbled something that sounded like “I don’t even know” while he decided since he was the one who got them into this he was going to get them out of it by saying, “I’ll be right back” and pretended to walk off before Erin stopped him.

 

“Well you can’t, because you’re getting ready for your 24 hour fusion challenge, which sounds like a deodorant. Hey what styles did you guys get?” She asked, the little smirk never leaving her face. Meryl answered, stating that they got the foxtrot and the cha cha. While Erin asked him, “You’ve never, have you ever done a fusion before?”

 

And then he promptly inserted his other foot into his mouth by saying, “Well I’ve fused other things together, but never two dances.” As the audience made some suggestive noises behind him and he mentally berated himself, saying you walked yourself right into that one didn’t you. “What, where is your mind? After this package, where is your mind?”

 

Erin asked cheekily, “Meryl, where is your mind?” And Meryl started to turn around and said, “Alright, I’m just going to turn around.” While Erin finally stopped teasing them saying, “Alright, we wish you the best of luck. We cannot wait to see what you guys come up with.” And mercifully, the spotlight was off of them. He wanted to whisper an apology to her but she was still blushing so badly he didn’t want to embarrass her further. But he pulled her into an embrace that she returned fully. When he looked down, she was smiling so he figured at least they were fine.

 

Their fusion challenge dance went off without a hitch and he thought it was fitting to end the dance the way they ended their first one. Making off with a perfect 90/90 for the finale, he waited in anticipation for the crowning of a champion. His heart was beating rapidly, as he stood there on the stage with the other couples. He heard them eliminate Candace first and then he realized it was just down to them and Amy and Derek.

 

With bated breath, he waited until he heard Tom say, “Meryl and Maks.” And then he lost it. His face split into a wide smile and swung her around as Val and Tony rushed onto the floor to celebrate with them. He didn’t let go, whispering in her ear, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He could see Tom was trying to get their attention as the other pros and celebrities rushed onto the floor. Tom was yelling, “Wait, wait. Let me have them. Wait, wait, let me have them. Not yet. No, you come with me first,” pulling them away, saying “They can have you in a minute.”

 

“They can have you in a minute. You always hope for something like this, you might not have expected it but did you…” Maks couldn’t hear him over the roar of the crowd but Meryl said, “It’s all you.” And Maks drew a deep breath as Tom said, “Hey buddy, you’ve waited a long time.”

 

“Ahh, man. It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s just plastic, but it means so much. And when its lasted a decade of running after, it means that much more. And to do it with Meryl, is a dream come true. There’s a reason why it didn’t happen before because this was meant to happen with this one.” He could barely form sentences and he found himself gently whispering in her ear in Russian, “ люблю тебя ” even though he wasn’t sure she understood and the next thing he knew they were being swept up onto people’s shoulders and Tom was shouting for someone to take the trophy. The rest of the evening passed in a blur until after the press was done.

 

He followed Meryl back to her dressing room, wanting to spend a few minutes with her before they had to hop on a plane with the other finalists. He shut the door behind him and she looked him with her eyes wide. She was still smiling, her flush from the excitement hadn’t been lost yet and she started to ask him what he wanted to say before he cut her off.

 

“Just listen. You are the best partner I could have hoped for and I’m grateful. We have a special relationship but I must tell you, I really like you—we have a chemistry that I think we should explore—that is worth exploring.” He held up a hand to stop her protestations, _“I know you’re not ready, but babe, I think that this deserves a chance—when you’re ready. And I’ll wait.”_ He took her hands and said,  **“God knows I am not a patient man, but for you, I will wait until you are ready. Like that song says, ‘I’m latching on, know I know what I have found,’ there’s no one like you Meryl Davis. And I don’t think I could ever want anyone as much as I want you.”** He kissed her forehead gently and then said, “I’m going to change and grab my bag. But just so you know, you are worth waiting for and I am completely serious. I won’t change my mind.” She nodded, slowly and hugged him close for a minute, relaxing into his chest before letting go, eyes still wide but with a hint of desire and passion simmering under the surface.

 

With that, he left the room, with her face engrained in his memory. Her face told him everything that he wanted to hear. Her face said that she felt it too and she was happy he was going to wait for her. And with that he smiled a little wider, humming their freestyle song.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, this chapter took a little longer than I anticipated to write. I struggled a little with his POV and trying to close out DWTS. I was done with that storyline. Now we're going to move a little further ahead and the next two chapter, maybe even three, will be centered around on event. We're going back to C's POV for this one. As always, please continue to tell me what you think. I'm trying to keep to their personalities but it's so hard to keep four different people's POV in line.
> 
> *люблю тебя means love you.


	11. Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is full of hard choices, difficult ones that will define you. Perhaps, sometimes a defining moment is nothing more than a choice that you feel hurts less people and is more selfish than you can imagine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a two for one update. I felt the need to post these two chapters back to back for various reasons but check the next chapter for a note about where this story is going from here.

 

_"Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign. Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me. I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down. You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on to me, on to me, and all over... Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long."_

 

Hawaii is beautiful, he reflected. Crystal clear waters, beautiful sweeping views, a perfect vacation, it was the vacation he needed—desperately but it didn’t feel like much of one knowing that she was here somewhere. These past few weeks were like torture and a vacation was high on his list but sometimes he wished they were less on the same page. 

 

Ever since they won the Olympics, it was non-stop go, full speed ahead. In retrospect, he’s not sure if he would have signed onto the show, knowing how draining it had been between that and Stars on Ice. In hindsight, he’s not sure he would have done some of the things he’s done. Yet here he was, on a beach, in Hawaii, with his girlfriend merely feet away, pretending he was reading a book. Pretending got a lot easier lately, he discovered. He was actually pretty good at it, if he thought about it like it was a performance. But since when did his life get so depressing he had pretend something like that. 

 

He had no right to continue acting this way. He was well aware that his life was as close to golden as he could get it. His girlfriend was smiling at him over her sunglasses and for the first time she looked relaxed. He knew that whatever had been off with them, lay solely with him now—they had it out a few weeks ago. It was their first real disagreement where he actually saw her vulnerable she was and not for the first time, he felt like the biggest ass on the planet.

 

* * *

 

 

Right before he and Meryl left to go do some promotional stuff for their “Pass the Puffs” campaign in New York, the tension that had been building since he started that show. Deciding to buy a house had been a significant commitment, one that had been a natural step in their relationship but the headaches that had gone along with it were numerous. 

 

Tanith was stressed, standing in their bedroom that was a wreck. It wasn’t as if they weren’t neat people but ever since Charlie was based back in Michigan, he hadn’t really unpacked or packed well. He was in the process of repacking and finally putting things away but the mess just ended up being the catalyst that set everything off and he should have seen it coming.

 

“Charlie! Can you please try to be neater? I know you’ve been traveling a lot but our bedroom looks like a warzone.” Her voice was tired and upset. In addition to his mess, they hadn’t been able to be together and it seemed whenever they were she was forced to play mother to him—an unappealing and unattractive thing in your significant other. She looked tired, he noticed. Her blond hair seemed lank and her eyes had dark circles that makeup just couldn’t seem to hide. It was startling because Tanith was always one who prided herself in her appearance.

 

“I’m sorry, babe. I’m trying. I promise I’ll get it together.” He said, taking another look at her face. She looked thinner as well—when had she lost weight? He couldn’t help himself from asking her, “Everything ok, babe?” His tone cautious, his concern palpable as he looked her head which was bowed down.

 

Her head snapped up and she said, “What makes you say that, babe?” Her tone took him aback—she seemed angry. Tanith rarely got angry or lost her temper with anyone—in fact he’d never seen her lose it—not even when she was competing.

 

Shrugging his shoulders, he said cautiously. “You just seem tired. You look like you lost weight or something. And you don’t look happy.”

 

It was the shrug that probably did him in, because she just snapped at that point. “So glad you’ve noticed.” Her voice snippy and he was officially on notice. “Tell me, would you have realized sooner if it was your partner?” Her voice was cool. “Not that I can’t blame you for not noticing—you haven’t seen me in weeks.”

 

He defended, “We’ve seen each other plenty.” And then she laughed tonelessly.

 

“Oh, we’ve seen each other. But you haven’t seen me in quite a while, Charlie.” Her voice was frigid. “Yes, you’ve been around but you haven’t looked at—or touched me in weeks. We sleep in the same bed, live in the same house but we might as well be ships passing in the night or strangers.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” He wasn’t sure what was going on here but he knew that this had more to do with than his messiness.

 

“Did you ever wonder why I left so early from the show a couple weeks ago?” Her voice was cool. “Did you ever think to ask me? Or even care? Do you care? Did you even notice?” He tried to tell her of course but she silenced him with a hand, stopping before he even came close to her. “You know, Charlie, you are a lot of things but I never thought that dumb was one of them. Or maybe, you just wanted to avoid this conversation and hoped that we could just go back to the way things were.”

 

“You know, I’ve dated quite a few guys but none of them have ever hurt me the way you did.” Her voice was quiet. She sat down on the edge of their bed, hands in her lap. “I love you. I’ve loved you since we started dating. You're a Prince Charming come to life but you can be so clueless, so unthinking that I just don’t know...that sometimes I just don't understand.” 

 

He knelt in front of her and tilted her head up. Looking into her eyes, he was stunned to see the hurt and sadness. He knew whatever he had done, he had to set it right. “Tell me, Tan. Please. I’m a huge idiot sometimes, but I love you and I want to fix this.”

 

She withdrew her hands from his, balling them into fists and pulling to her sides. She looked at him and said, “There’s one thing I can’t stand, Charlie and it’s being treated like a fool.” Shaking her head, she said bitterly, “I’ve played my part so perfectly, you can’t tell when I’m not acting.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I have to know—do you really love me? Because sometimes, sometimes I’m not sure. Sometimes, I think you would prefer brown hair to blond and brown eyes to blue.” Her eyes bore straight into his while he felt his face drain of color.

 

“I’ll never forget that fight you had in 2011—who could, it was so loud and angry. It was the first time I really ever saw the two of you angry with each other. She said something so striking that it’s just ingrained in my memory. **‘I know brown hair doesn’t do it for you anymore.’** It’s quite the sentence, as far as I know you never dated a brunette—unless you did and didn’t tell me?” Her voice was questioning. “You did date.” Her voice was quiet as she examined his face. Any color left in her face died, “You should have told me.”

 

Drawing a deep breath, he wondered how to proceed. Meryl once suggested Tanith should be made aware of their past but he never wanted to tell her. Their past was theirs, just his and Meryl’s. And selfishly he wanted to keep it that way. Meryl hadn’t pressed him but he knew that she never told Tanith out of respect for him and her. She and Tanith had become friends—close ones. “No one ever really knew. We dated for a few months when we were eighteen, nineteen. It didn’t seem worth mentioning—it didn’t take.” 

 

“Bullshit.” She called him out, her eyes bored into his. “If it didn’t take, you would have told me. If it meant nothing you would have told me. You would have mentioned it that time I told you how Ben and I were convinced we needed to date in order to do romantic programs.” Charlie couldn’t help but smile at that. “Do you love her?”

 

“Of course I love her. She’s my best friend—we’re partners. Don’t you love Ben?” He asked, anxious to diffuse the situation.

 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I love Ben like family. And I love Meryl. She’s a good friend—we became friends because of you.” She shook her head at him. “You’re avoiding the question.”

 

Looking at her, he thought about his options. He could tell the truth, confess it all. But he couldn’t. So he shook his head and said, “The only one I love is you. Tan, you have been my rock, my lover, my friend for five years. How can you think otherwise?” Taking her hands once more, he implored, “How can not think that?”

 

Her voice was chocked and the tears that had started to gather in her eyes fell. “It’s just…It’s just…I saw her tribute to you, to her, to your journey and…” Her voice got quieter. “I just felt like maybe you wanted her more than you wanted me. You looked so jealous that night and I started analyzing everything.” Her voice was sad. “I called Ben that night and lost it. He thought I was insane but he’s my partner—he’s my family.”

 

He felt guiltier than ever when she said that. He wasn’t aware he hurt her so badly. His own indecisiveness was once more on full display. “ _If you did, it would be ok. But I can’t…I don’t know if I can live with it. The ghost of her…”_  Her voice was quiet; her breathing became shallower as she looked at him, her eyes bright with tears. The words she didn't say hung in the air, the ghost of her in their bedroom, their life and he knew exactly what she meant. “I know that you will always love her, it’s natural—I would surprised if you didn’t. But I need to know that you will be here for me, that you want me, that I’m your choice.”

 

He could tell her no, that she would never be enough and break her heart. It was something that would have been better for them both in the long run, but he was selfish. _He figured he already lost Meryl; he couldn’t bear to lose Tanith now. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t love Tanith._ **He did** and in the perfect world she would be more than enough, more than he deserved. She was truly a blessing and the perfect woman for him,  even if he knew that there was someone out there who was just a little more perfect. 

 

So he took a deep breath and said, “Tanith, I love you.” His voice became soft, “I had a crush on you for ages—I swear every guy at the rink did. You were the most beautiful girl there and you made me the luckiest guy there when you agreed to date me. Me, Charlie White—I was floored. And there is no one, I could want more. We’ve been together for five years, we have a life together and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.” His sincerity shone through because it was true. She had found him a dark place and helped him climb out of the hole and heal his wounds, even if she wasn’t aware just how deep they were.

 

She launched herself at him and he held her that night, stroking her blond hair until she fell asleep on his chest. He could still her murmuring into his neck though about how much she loved him and how lucky she was. _He tried to sleep as the guilt that swelled up when he realized how much of a jerk he could be._

 

* * *

 

 

And so this is how he ended up here, he thought critically. Sometimes he wondered if he had been a bolder person, a stronger one and told her the truth that night. But he wasn’t, he never was. The scars she inflicted were too deep and his girlfriend was the balm that healed them. It wasn’t to live though, he told himself. He would feel better if he was honest, but he didn’t. He was a coward. 

 

_She deserved so much more than him. She deserved a man who was honest and head over heels for her. She deserved someone who loved her unconditionally and would put her above all others. She deserved so much more than his half-assed attempts to be the man who was worthy of her. She deserved to know without a doubt that there was no one else but her._ **And he couldn’t give it to her.** But when she smiled at him or told him how much she loved him—he was powerless, any objections or thoughts about coming clean flew out the window.

 

Even though he was on vacation, he decided this one act was one time it was justified. Flashing her his brightest smile, he told her, “Jeremy, just texted me. He needs my help about something but I promise I’ll be back in ten minutes tops.” She smiled and told him to take his time; that she’d be fine and she hoped Jeremy was ok. He hated how understanding she was as he excused himself from her.

 

Dialing Jeremy’s number, he prayed that he would pick up. And he was rewarded by Jeremy’s exuberant greeting of, “Hello, Olympic Gold Medalist. How can I help you today?”

 

**“I’m going to propose.”** He said, his voice flat, devoid of any excitement and he cringed when he heard it. “I am going to propose to Tanith Belbin.” He heard the silence on the other line and almost thought Jeremy hung up on him.

 

“Charlie…” His voice was tired. “Come on, man. Is this some sort of joke?” Jeremy’s voice was serious, not a hint of playfulness like before and it raised Charlie’s awareness, knowing he was going to have to really explain to Jeremy this time.

 

“I’ve thought about what you said. And I thought about every scenario and it’s not worth it. She’s into her dance partner—he’s a good guy. I almost like him, sure he's arrogant but he cares for her more than any of the others. But I have no right or reason to uproot three different people’s lives just because I thought I felt something.” His voice was shaky. “She was there to pick up the pieces after the first disaster. She was the one who has been my rock for five years. She’s the one who I choose. I need to be the man she choose now.” 

 

“You know, I’ll support you for anything but I hope…I hope you’re sure. Because there’s nothing, absolutely nothing good about settling or playing it safe when your heart’s on the line, Charlie.” Jeremy said. “I won’t try to talk you out of it—I wouldn’t. I respect you too much but I think you’re wrong.” His voice was firm. “You’re wrong to think that it isn’t worth it. I won’t get into this with you again but I hope you know what you’re doing.”

 

“I know that she loves me. And I love her. Maybe it’ll never be the way…” He sighed, “Regardless, she’s what I need. She’s been there for me, she’s been the most supportive and understanding girlfriend in the planet. She’s never complained or been upset with me about my skating. But I’ve been indecisive enough now. I need to choose.” He closed his eyes, imagining his future. “I had a choice—a couple of weeks ago. She opened up to me about her fears, about what she thought. And I could have told her the truth, I could have been honest and told her that I’m not sure I’ll ever be done with her **but I didn’t. I choose not to.** _Are you listening, Jeremy?_ **I had the choice to walk away—she was going to make it easy for me.** **But I lied and I choose her.** _I choose to move on with the life I have and she’s moving on too._ ”

 

“You should have seen her, Jeremy. She was so broken up—so worried that I didn’t want her anymore, that I wanted someone else more, that I didn’t care. **And I felt like the lowest of the low for reducing that strong, beautiful, caring, kind, affectionate woman to that.** She was crying and she was worried and I told her, her fears weren’t founded. I lied to her and in that moment, I decided that I was choosing her.” His voice took a slightly bitter twist, “Regardless, you’ve seen the pictures, heard the interviews. She hasn’t confirmed she’s dating him but he’s always texting her—calling her. It’s ridiculous, when we were in New York, she spent most of her time with him—forget the fact that we were there for the Puffs deal.”

 

“Appearances can be deceiving,” was all Jeremy said in response. Finally, he said, “So how are you going to propose?” And Charlie released the breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding. He closed his eyes and relaxed as Jeremy offered up suggestions. 

 

Decisively, Charlie said, “On our hike this afternoon. It’ll be beautiful. She’ll love it.” He heard Jeremy offer a few more suggestions and he relaxed, feeling a lot better now that Jeremy seemed to be willing to move on from the subject of him and Meryl. And he wondered if Jeremy had really protested, would he have changed his mind but he didn’t dwell on it. Before they hung up, Jeremy offered his congratulations and told him good luck, and he pretended he couldn't hear the sad, wistful tremor in his voice right before he hung up.

 

He took a detour to the hotel bathroom where he opened up Instagram, while leaning against the sink counter. He told himself he wasn’t checking on her but it was a lie. And sure enough, there she was. He scrolled through the pictures from her and Jenna on the beach and he felt guiltier than ever and he closed it quickly. He ran a hand through his hair, forgetting how short it was and wishing it was longer again. He looked at himself in the mirror and wondered when his life came to this. 

 

He squared his shoulders and told himself, Charles Allen White Jr., you need to get yourself together. In the bathroom, he vowed to himself that he was going to the person that never gave her a reason to doubt his love for her. He loved her and he wanted to commit the rest of his life to her. She was what he needed and far better than what he deserved. He promised himself that he was going to live up to her expectations and be the man that she needed to have in her life. He told himself he was going to strive to make her the happiest woman in the world and always put her first. He was going to make up for all the times he wasn’t there for her, couldn’t be the man she needed. **Because love demands sacrifice and she had sacrificed so much for him, it was his turn to sacrifice for her.**

 

* * *

 

 

He watched her on their hike. Her hair was shining in the light and her smile was radiant. She gained the weight back that she had lost and she looked the picture of beauty. She was looking at him like he was the only man in the world for her and he told himself, he would live up to her expectations. He smiled at her when she caught him staring at her. 

 

He beamed back at her, trying not to show how nervous he was. He thought about what he was going to say, how he was really going to propose but nothing seemed right. He thought that his speeches just sounded wrong so he decided he was just going to improvise. It was going to be romantic to do it in Hawaii even if he wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say.

 

He felt his pocket, making sure that the ring box was still there. The weight was heavy in his pocket. He had to stop himself from continuing to play with it since he didn’t want to draw attention to it. As they neared their destination, he knew that this was the perfect place to propose. It was beautiful even if it had taken them three hours to get there. 

 

Even covered in mud and dirt, she was beautiful he reflected with a smile. She took off her shoes and waded into the water taking in the waterfall. Her back was turned to him and he grabbed the box from his pocket, opening it. The ring was beautiful; he knew she would love it—classic and elegant, just like her. Now’s the time he told himself.

 

Clearing his throat, he coughed gently enough to grab her attention. She turned around and smiled at him. He grasped her hands and said, “Tanith Belbin,” as he got down on one knee and her eyes widened, “You have given me five beautiful years. I can’t imagine my life without you. You’ve been my rock, my support system, my lover and my friend. I could never have done this without you. You are the love of my life.” He could read her shock as it dawned on her exactly what he was doing. He held out the ring and asked, “We’ve had five beautiful years together, but let’s make it an eternity. Will you do me the honor and make me the luckiest man in the world and be my wife?”

 

She nodded yes, unable to speak at first as he slipped the ring on her finger. She threw her arms around him and as he caught, he smiled. He whispered, “I love you” into her hair as she cried into his neck. As they stood there, lost in the moment, he thought, welcome to your future as he tried to smile brighter. And later that afternoon, his last thought of her was simply that if he had been less of a coward, he would have told her before he hit post but he knew he was a coward. Hashtag she said yes.


	12. I'm Not That Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s funny how you can know a person for your entire life, know their likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, fears, regrets, mistakes and yet, sometimes it feels like you hardly know them—or yourself.

_“Hands touch, eyes meet, sudden silence, sudden heat, hearts leap in a giddy whirl. He could be that boy, but I'm not that girl. Don't dream too far, don’t lose sight of who you are, don’t remember that rush of joy. He could be that boy, I’m not that girl. Ev'ry so often we long to steal to the land of what-might-have-been, but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in. Blithe smile, lithe limb, she who's winsome, she wins him. Gold hair with a gentle curl, that’s the girl he chose and heaven knows; I’m not that girl. Don't wish; don't start, wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl. There’s a girl I know, he loves her so, I’m not that girl…”_

 

_Who knew that four words could be so powerful—hashtag she said yes._ _Who knew they could hurt that badly. Who knew that her best friend, her partner, her first love, her only love wouldn’t tell her he was going to propose to his girlfriend._ **She certainly didn’t expect it. She wouldn't have predicted it. She could barely fathom it.** Emotions ran through her at rapid speed— **anger, sadness, shock and bitterness.** She sat there staring at the picture because she was unable to do anything else. It was if she was frozen in place, almost like when you know something bad is about to happen to you and your powerless to move. _He really had moved 100% on from her._

 

She eyed the picture, examining every aspect of it. It was pretty picture, beautiful even. Perfect setting, the backdrop of the ocean’s deep blue waters and green mountains made it feel romantic. And there they were, two perfect blond haired beautiful people, smiling brightly for a camera with her hand resting gently on his chest, displaying that beautiful ring. And she thought her heart would stop. They looked happy, excited, perfectly matched. And in her own detached reality, she could critically examine how right those two looked together—perfectly matched in coloring, how happy they were—smiles that could outshine the sun, and if it had been anyone else she might have been happy for the couple. _But they weren’t just anybody—they were Charlie and Tanith._

 

She smiled bitterly. How perfect for them, they were always a handsome couple but this was it. She knew logically that he would propose sooner or later but she always thought he would tell her first or even tell her right after it happened, give her a chance to know before the rest of the world. But he didn’t. He chose to let her know just as he announced it to the rest of world. No special treatment for his partner of seventeen years. And it was almost fair and not that she deserved it.

 

Because did she really deserve any special treatment after what she had done in the past, after the way she broke him? She couldn’t begrudge him his happiness. his girlfriend sewn up old wounds she didn’t know existed, she gave him everything Meryl couldn’t but it still left her cold and hurt to see he hadn’t bothered to tell her. She thought perhaps their relationship merited a text or a phone call before it but it was clear that he didn’t feel the same way as she did. Was this some sort of twisted payback for her past sins? Or was it just to show her how little he cared for her now? 

 

In her mind she knew that this was a calculated effort on his part. He started distancing himself from her as soon as he was eliminated from the show. It was clear that no matter how she felt—and continued to feel—that he was tired of her. That was the only explanation she could come up with at this point. He was polite, affectionate in public but in private, she might as well be a stranger on the street. She found him hanging around his other friends, seemingly avoiding her; unable to make eye contact with her except when they were on the ice. Even then the looks weren’t the same, they were less passionate, almost indifferent. To anyone but her, they would still think they were the perfect pair but Meryl knew better. She knew Charlie and all of Charlie's looks. She understood him the way others never could. She knew he devoted himself to his girlfriend with a renewed commitment while seemingly, acting as if he could care less about anything else, acting as if he could care less about her.

 

He went through their commitments with his best media ready smile, armed with the perfectly crafted answers that had served them so well in the past. He posed obligingly for pictures for her for their social media accounts and talked to her about nothing of substance when they were alone. His smiles were more distant and in his eyes, she could see he was pushing her away. So she reacted accordingly and probably immaturely for a woman in her late twenties. So she tried to make him jealous even if it wasn't her original intention.

 

After she won the show, she found out how amazing and refreshing it was to meet new people and found connections with people who she wouldn't have met unless she embarked on this journey. She realized that maybe she should expand her friend circle. So she decided to spend more time talking to Maks, Val, Jenna and those from the show. They were fun, uncomplicated and didn't have the knowledge of her past with Charlie like her skating friends did or thought they did. She liked Val's humor and Jenna's fun personality. And she really liked Maks' personality and his care for her. She visited Maks when she was in NYC, leaving Charlie to his own devices since he no longer seemed to desire her company. And she wanted to feel wanted, she realized. Maks made her feel special, like she was the only thing in the world he wanted, like Charlie once made her feel. Plus she wanted to make him a little jealous, make him realize that she wasn’t sitting around pining for him any more. 

 

What a lie that was—as if she could really move beyond him, yet he seemed to have bought her little charade and so here were the consequences, in a photo. A picture is worth a thousand words and his effectively declared that he was done with her. Done with them, done with any idea that they could…She never dared to think that he would ever really choose her over his girlfriend. She knew she blew all those chances with every choice she made to get them to where they were today. So it was really her fault, she decided.

 

She got so good at acting; it was like a second nature. But there one day when she thought... For a brief minute, she thought that he was going to tell her something—tell her what she longed to hear that night he was eliminated. But perhaps it was wistful thinking on her part. She thought at one point she saw something that she hadn’t seen in a while in his eyes when he watched her but she must have just been projecting her feelings and hopes on him. He seemed perfectly happy after all—especially since he proposed.  

 

Unconsciously, she ran a hand through her hair and then she set her phone down when her hands just couldn’t stop shaking. Why couldn’t she be a braver person? Why did she have to be a person who hid behind twisted logic? Why did she have to be the person who was still in love with her first love? Why couldn’t she be happy for them? Instead all she wanted was to crawl into a hole and cry. But instead here she was, on one of the most beautiful places in the United States, ready to cry.

 

Meryl Elizabeth Davis didn’t do tears. She didn’t like them. She hated to be weak. She had worked too hard to become the strong woman who she was today to cry. _She could count on one hand the amount of times she really cried and she knew that this was going to be one of those occasions._ In the back of her mind, she knew Jenna was probably looking for her but she didn’t want her to find her. She thought about calling Marissa or one of the girls. She wondered if it would make a difference. Nothing could change the past or now the future. She could see it all now—his future.

 

**Her greatest mistake was thinking that she was smarter than she was.** _She should have trusted him, trusted them, and trusted their partnership._ **But she was so scared.** At nineteen, what did she really know? She was afraid she would lose him—lose their friendship because they were sinking. She could remember their inability to communicate and she could remember feeling like she was losing him. **And that feeling was worse than she could have ever imagined.**

 

And it was then that she had decided she’d rather be able to maintain that relationship, that friendship, then their romantic relationship. She knew he would never understand—mostly because she would never tell him. He wouldn't understand why she had to do it and he would try to talk her out of it. And she knew that Charlie could have talked her out of it so she choose to do it quickly and almost heartlessly. But now she didn’t know how to tell him that she had ruined everything over a feeling or a very real fear at that time. **To him, she was fearless** _but so much of it was because he gave her the strength. And she was lost without him._

 

It was like she told her DWTS partner. She knew that change was coming and she needed to see how it was like to stand on her own two feet. And her initial impressions were that it sucked. She hated it. She once remembered telling an interviewer right after they won in Sochi that she never really wanted to skate without him and truer words had never been spoken. She missed the comfort of their routines, his hand in hers, his arms around her when they practiced.  She missed the structure, the knowledge that they were on the same page—always. She didn’t like uncertainty and she had just entered the first official chapter of it, staring at the newest page in the ongoing sad saga that had become her life.

 

It would different if she despised his fiancée, she concluded. But she was actually a wonderful, lovely woman who she was one of her friends and that’s what hurt more. She couldn’t dislike someone as genuinely caring and beautiful as she was. And she deserved him—she had never hurt him the way she did nor did she ever run away from her problems. And she didn’t want to hurt her. She couldn’t hurt her. She lost her chance years ago—there was a time, when she could have told him the whole truth but she never did. She never found the courage; she never wanted to rock the boat so this was the end result.

 

She would have the courage now, she told herself. She would be strong. She wouldn’t cry—not yet. So she opened up Twitter and took the picture. Writing out carefully a sweet message, she wrote: Congrats to these two! Beautiful girl, beautiful ring (using the ring emoji) good work, @CharlieaWhite (adding a smiley face). It was the best she could do and she was rather proud of her lack of emotions. Hitting tweet, she closed her eyes. It was done. She was going to be fine.

 

She heard her phone buzz and she looked down. It was Jenna, asking where she was and she was thankful it wasn't Marissa or one of the girls. Typing a quick response, she headed towards the bar and asked for the strongest mai tai they could make. She knew it was wrong to try and use alcohol as a coping mechanism but she was desperate at this point in time. And she thought maybe she deserved a good strong drink at this point. At least alcohol could never disappoint her, she laughed to herself as she tipped the bartender and shot him a weak smile.

 

Jenna found her minutes later and she was babbling about how fun Hawaii was, and how much sun she had gotten. And she found it was easier to just listen. The rum was starting to make her feel a little numb and her emotions were firmly in check. She didn’t want to tell her about Charlie and Tanith. So they spent the rest of the afternoon on the beach, with her indulging in a drink every so often even though she knew that this was not the answer to her problems.

 

It was almost eleven by the time she excused herself from Jenna, citing a slight headache, telling her she was going upstairs to relax. In the comfort of her own room, she climbed into her bed and started sobbing. The emotions of the day were just too much and she wasn’t able to pretend anymore. Pretending was such hard work and she was so done with pretending, at least for the night. She deserved one good long hard cry. **As she cried, she kept telling herself, love is sacrifice and she was going to sacrifice her own happiness for his.**

 

Her eyes were rimmed in red, glassy. Her mascara had run, making two dark tracts down her cheeks—so much for being waterproof and her eyeliner had all but disappeared. Her face was so pale; she swore it was almost bloodless. And the worst part was that she still felt infinitely worse than she looked. She switched off her phone about halfway through the evening and she didn’t dare look at it now. She didn’t want to see the flood of texts from her friends asking about the proposal or even worse, how she was. She wanted to wallow in her own disappointment and grief for a little while before moving onto the things she couldn’t change.

 

Sitting in her bed, with the covers pulled around her shoulders she told herself, she could be happy one day—maybe, she even had a person in mind—but that day wasn’t today. Today was a day for mourning second chances and her bravery, which had served her so well in the past. Tonight was about feeling all of the emotions that she hid deep inside. She promised herself that she’d cry tonight but tomorrow she would pretend it never happened. He moved on and it was time for her to stop clinging to that small piece of her that believed that she was going to get her second chance—a chance to choose again, a chance to remind him how much she loved him but it was not to be. 

 

So as cheerfully as she could muster, she told herself that things always look better in the morning. She scolded herself for being so weak but as she fell asleep she thought of nothing but fairytales where happily ever afters were abundant, where the prince married the princess and where dreams come true. And only once did she wake up from a dream where she watched the prince marry the prettier princess while the other stood there at their side.

 

The next morning she woke up with a headache and ready to face the world with a smile on her face. She was never one to dwell too much in the past—he always had been a special case—and she needed to put on her best game face. As she showered she thought about what to do now, she was in Hawaii on vacation with a good friend and she was hardly going to waste it sitting in her hotel room. And she wasn't going to cry anymore over a boy.

 

Critically she eyed herself in the mirror, the shower had gotten rid of most of the evidence of her night last night and she looked a little pale but otherwise fine. Carefully applying light makeup, she quickly blow dried her hair and changed before starting to head out the door. She texted Jenna and told her to meet her in the dining room. She was ready to have some serious fun and relaxation on her last few days here.

 

And before she left her room, she took one last look in the mirror and said to herself, “I may not be that girl, but I know someone else who really because I am that girl for them. I can move on.” And before she left, she fired one short, sweet text to one person who she knew would be delighted by its contents. And without looking back, Meryl Davis took a step forward and out of her past, ready to move onto a better bright future, or at least that's what she told herself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to do it from their POVs because I felt they each deserved a moment to react and I thought putting them side by side would give you insight into each of their thought processes. The next chapter will be a little more father along and it may or may not be from someone entirely new's POV, I can't decide if I'm actually going to write it from her POV but I may. As always reviews are lovely, and I love reading your thoughts.


	13. Secret Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's both tiring and worrisome that you can't disclose you're relationship but you love that person so you tell yourself it's worth it--they're worth it.

_“When you're living a life that you gotta deny, when you feel how we feel, but you gotta keep lying. It's only gonna mess you up inside. When you walk by each other in a crowded room, and nobody sees how I'm looking at you, but we'll meet in a minute at the rendezvous. Only you know what I mean. Secret love, all the things we do, for secret love, baby me and you, got a secret love. Stayin' under cover and out of sight, if nobody knows, then we're doin' it right. Secret love. Got a secret love. We're in love but nobody knows. We're in love but nobody knows. We're in love but nobody knows it yet. Are we in love if nobody knows? Are we in love if nobody knows? Are we in love if nobody knows it yet? I guess it's a secret.”_

 

It’s exciting at first. There’s something thrilling about sneaking around, hiding in dark corners, pretending that you’re not really together. It makes it exciting, gives it an air of mystery. It feels exotic and dangerous; it adds a new level of drama to the relationship. Being the ultimate are they or aren’t they couple and it’s fun but sometimes it makes you wonder why it has to be so hush-hush. It’s frustrating and yet at the same time, you would jump through any hurdles she’s set—or that’s what he decided.

 

She hadn’t lied when she told him her life was crazy busy nor had she been dishonest about the fact that she wanted to keep everything on the down low. He could really only blame himself for not fully comprehending the severity of her actions. She was very clear that she was not interested in a relationship splashed across the tabloids and media. She knew about his exes and while she understood he was a celebrity, she had her image to protect. 

 

She and Charlie had a very short window after the Olympics to retain their popularity and capitalize on their exposure before they were surpassed by the next great figure skaters. She told him, there were no Michelle Kwans or Kristi Yamaguchis anymore in their world so their endorsement deals would be coming shortly after their gold. And it wouldn’t look good to sponsors to see her on every tabloid without her partner—no matter the fact that he had just got engaged to his longtime girlfriend.

 

And he respected her boundaries. He understood the harsh glare of the spotlight, the way people speculated, the paparazzi that would hound them. He already had a few high profile relationships that ended poorly and the media probably played no small part in it. And he was getting older, he liked the idea of something more low key with someone who wasn’t obsessed with the media.

 

But he never quite pictured their relationship beginning so completely under wraps. He wasn’t even sure if Charlie knew about it but he figured he suspected. His friends were told but sworn to secrecy—though he did worry about Val and his loose lips, did he really have to tell everyone that it was a king kong type of love—but all it took was a smile from her to make him forget any lingering doubts.

 

To be honest, he was surprised when she decided she was “ready.” She must have been doing some deep thinking on Hawaii with Jenna. He remembered the conversation with perfect clarity.

 

* * *

 

 

It was no secret he missed her. Ever since they won, things had been amazing. She was opening up to him more than he ever expected. She was spending as much time with him as she could and he could see her really thinking about them—as a real couple. They managed to navigate the seemingly endless interviews with only a few casualties—hello, Wendy Williams and her appalling rudeness—and managed to remain fairly truthful, no matter what the public thought, they never lied. They did have a special relationship that was unquantifiable and they weren’t together, no matter how badly he wanted them to be.

 

He had settled for stalking her Twitter and Instagram while restraining himself from texting her every hour to just talk to her. He knew that she was using vacation to relax and detox so he didn’t want to infringe on her personal time but he missed her. He was fully aware he was in love with her at that point. Val and Tony were sick of seeing him mope around but took no prisoners when it came to teasing him mercilessly about it.

 

He was surprised to see one day while she was on vacation that her partner posted his engagement picture. He knew Charlie wasn’t quite as social media savvy as his partner and he was surprised to see such a public display. He wondered if Meryl knew and had helped them plan. He knew they were closer than most assumed they could be but it didn’t feel like it. Something told him that she planned little to no role in this particular plan. But he saw her tweet her congratulations and he smiled at how utterly Meryl it was for her to be one of the first to acknowledge it. They were always supportive partners for each other and this would be no exception.

 

It just seemed like that chapter in their lives seemed to be moving forward especially with Charlie getting engaged to his girlfriend. And perhaps, he should have expected it when she called him two days later. But he didn’t—not to say he wasn’t pleased.

 

She called him up from the beach, he could tell by the sounds of the ocean and he could vaguely hear Jenna’s laughter so he knew she was around. Her voice had been bright and laughing as she said, “I miss you.”

 

It’s amazing the power that three little words had over him in that moment as he hastily repeated the sentiment. He listened to talk about how lovely Hawaii was and he relaxed, just listening to the sound of her voice. He could listen to her talk all day. Finally he heard her say something that he had to ask her to repeat. 

 

Her voice was equal parts confident and sweet when she said, “I was thinking when we get back that I’d make plans to visit you in New York. You can take me out, show me around—maybe even go on that date.” 

 

He was stunned that she suggested it and agreed so quickly that it caused her to laugh. God he loved her laugh and he could picture her smiling at him right now. “Great, we’ll talk more when I get back but I think that it’s just the right time. But just so you know, I’m still going to be pretty busy this year—we’ve made a lot of commitments to skating shows and such, but I really want to try and make this work, Maks. I think we deserve a chance.”

 

He couldn’t have agreed more nor could he stop the silly, smug grin that he walked around with on his face for the next week. Val, despite being thrilled, eventually just got so disgusted with him that he left him to his own devices. Maks knew his family was thrilled for him—they thought she was a perfect match to him and liked how much happier and more mature he seemed from her. And he found himself circling the date she floated out towards the tail end of their conversation, unable to wait to count down the days.

 

* * *

 

 

And it had been approximately four months since then and he wondered if he was ever going to be able to call her his—publicly. He thought there might be some end in sight for the two of them, their shroud of secrecy but she seemed content and happy with the current arrangement. And she was everything he wanted but this wasn’t quite how he pictured it.

 

Looking up, he noticed that she had entered the room. She was visiting L.A. for the premiere of Dancing with the Stars and he thought perhaps now it would be the optimal time to bring it up. Smiling at him, she leaned down and gave him a light kiss as she said, “What’s up? You look like you were in deep thought.”

 

Trying to figure out how to tell her, he toyed with his hands. “Just doing some thinking. You’re going back out on the road soon for Stars on Ice and everything and I was just wondering, if it might be a good time to let our friends and people close to us know. I mean being back here—where I first fell for you, it bring back a lot of memories.” He caught himself before he said he loved her, he knew that she wasn’t quite ready for that.

 

She fiddled with her rings and looked down, she knew what he was really asking and as much as she enjoyed her relationship with him, she knew he wasn’t quite content with status quo. She wasn’t ready to let everyone know and it frustrated her that he didn’t quite understand how private she liked to keep her relationships. She contemplated how to best answer him without making it seem like it was because of him; she didn’t want to let the world know. She looked up and said softly, “Our true friends do know—Charlie and Tanith know, my family does and Brooke and people who matter. I just don’t see why I need to announce the fact that we’re in a relationship just for the sake of announcing it.” 

 

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes at her seemingly obtuse answer. “It’s not about that and you know it. It’s more about letting people know gradually—I want the world to know that I’m the luckiest man on Earth.”

 

She laughed and said, “Charlie may fight you for that title.” She was surprised at how easily it was to disguise her bitterness. “Anyway, it’s just, you know me—I don’t want the publicity and the everything that follows with being your girlfriend. I told you—I want to be known as Meryl Davis, Olympic Champion rather than Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s girlfriend.” She fought to keep her tone even and her irritation from her voice.

 

Sighing he just started to turn away from her, with the knowledge that he would never win. “I respect that but I think your accomplishments speak for yourself. You don’t see Charlie afraid to mention his fiancée. I’m not sure why you’re so resistant to mention me.” He made no attempt to hide the hurt from his voice. He was tired of pretending that this was how he imagined his relationship with her.

 

“ _There’s more to this than not posting a god-damn picture with a caption or some stupid thing about our relationship, Maks._ **Tell me.** ” She demanded, picking up on something underlying message. Her own irritation abated a little when she realized that something major must have been bothering him.

 

“ _Are you ashamed of me? Or is there some other reason why I can’t even mention you without lying and prefacing as we’re only friends?_ ” His voice was quiet. His voice changed, becoming louder, deeper, his accent straining. “ **Or maybe, you prefer it this way—I see the way you watch him and it makes me wonder…** ” The implication hung heavy between the two of them. And for once she was at a loss as to what to say.

 

She could have told him right then and there, she could have come clean—acknowledged that she once had been in love with him, that they had dated. But she didn’t. Instead she said, “You’re jealous of my relationship with my partner? You think I’m ashamed of you?” She scoffed. “ _Jealousy and insecurity aren’t your best looks._ ”

 

_“I’m sorry that my partnership,”_ stressing the word partnership, _“makes you uncomfortable._ We’ve grown up together since we were children and when you’re with someone for that long there’s bound to be an inherit closeness in the relationship. But Charlie and I are just friends—for god’s sake, I’m going to be a bridesmaid in his wedding and he’s marrying one of my closest friends. And I’m thrilled for them!” Her voice was full of exasperation. 

 

Closing his eyes, he rubbed his eyelids. “That may be true, Meryl, but unless you’re a brilliant actor, you’ve always looked at him differently than one looks at a brother.”  


 

**“I never said he’s like a brother to me."** She thought about rolling her eyes in exasperation. " _I just said we’re close._ **He’s been my best friend for seventeen years. We’ll probably always be best friends.** _Is that going to bother you?_ _Is it?_ **Because if it will, we better break up right here and now, Maks.** _What if Charlie and I go back to competing? Are you going to be upset every time we do a romantic program?_ ” She bit back, anger clouding her tone.

 

“ **Jesus, Meryl.** I was just stating a fact. The sneaking around and lying is tiring and maybe you’re right, we don’t need to announce it for the sake of announcing it. _But can we stop guarding it like it’s some sort of huge state secret?_ ” He ran a hand through his hair, exasperated, “We’re adults in a relationship and I don’t need us to be all over social media to be happy but **I’d like to be able to stop the cloak and dagger routine**.”

 

Pausing she said, “I don’t want to fight with you. But can we just table this discussion for a later date? We only have a little time before I have to go and I didn’t want to spend it arguing with you.” She walked towards him, sitting down next to him as she gently turned his face to face hers. Changing her voice to something more seductive, adding a low purr she'd heard before and imitated it as she said, “ _There are much better things to be doing than this. I’d rather be doing this_ ,” as she looked up at his face from under her lashes before she leaned up and kissed him.

 

As her lips made contact with his, his last coherent thought was that he never pegged her as someone who would use sex as a weapon—that was a calling card of some of his former flames. And yet here she was, using it so effectively against him, making him forget why he had been so upset earlier. Later on as they were wrapped in each other, her head on his chest, he wondered how it had been so easy for her to distract him and he couldn’t help but feel a pang of disappointment— **she was so much better than that and she still used it and it unsettled him to realize that maybe she wasn’t as perfect as he had made her out to be in his head.**

 

Kissing him softly, he felt her say that she was going to shower before the show and he watched her leave the room. Sighing, he knew that despite how passionate their relationship and loving their relationship was, he was always going to be desperate for more. He wanted all of her—he wanted the way she looked at her partner, when he watched their old programs. And what was more frightening was that he was never sure he would inspire that in her. He was always going to be a little wary when it came to them but he trusted her, he loved her after all. **She was all he wanted.**

 

That evening, he watched her interact with Jenna and Charlie and she didn’t fight his arm that had made it’s way around her back nor the hand that rested on her thigh. He counted it as progress. He took the photo of Meryl and Charlie that he knew that Charlie was about to Instagram to their fans. And he noticed that there seemed to be a slight disconnect between them that he only picked up on because of how much he watched them. But as the evening wore on, he noticed it became less noticeable.

 

They were still talking in plurals—something that he realized that once they stopped that it would odder than he thought as they spoke with the pros about their crazy busy schedule. But the normalcy it allowed his mind to wander as he talked with his friends. _And maybe it was because he was back in his element, but he never noticed though how Charlie looked at her when his back was turned or how Meryl avoided looking into Charlie’s eyes for too long._ **Unfortunately for them, Sharna saw all as she came up to see them.**

 

They complimented her and told her how much they adored the choreography as she smiled in response. Maks had yet to have seen this piece, but he heard it was wonderful, stating that he couldn’t wait to see it. And Sharna felt more sympathy for her friend. She wondered if Meryl had even told him it was to “Say Something,” an odd musical choice, in her opinion, that seemed to cut much closer to home than she would ever have expected the two to pick. Filing it away for future thought, she wished them good luck and excused herself.

 

The next morning before she said goodbye to him, she agreed that perhaps they didn’t need to be quite so secretive. But she was firm when she stated that she didn’t want the entire world knowing about their relationship via social media. And he felt for once that they had made significant progress towards their relationship and he forgot the odd feeling he had when he watched them for the first time in forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been such a long time since I've updated but I've already almost finished the next chapter and feeling re-inspired so hopefully I'll be able to write some more soon. As always let me a comment, I love to know your thoughts. The next chapter is in T's POV.


	14. The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just wish your best friend was just a little less perceptive.

_“You got me scattered in pieces, shining like stars and screaming, lighting me up like Venus. But then you disappear and make me wait and every second's like torture, hell over trip, no more so finding a way to let go. Baby, baby, no I can't escape. The bed's getting cold and you're not here. The future that we hold is so unclear, but I'm not alive until you call. And I'll bet the odds against it all, save your advice 'cause I won't hear. You might be right but I don't care. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. This is a modern fairy tale, no happy endings, no wind in our sails, but I can't imagine a life without, breathless moments, breaking me down, down, down, down.”_

 

She imagined it would different. She was an engaged woman to a man who she loved more than she could have ever imagined. And he was utterly perfect as her fiancé. He was attentive, thoughtful, loving and affectionate. Yet, there were still times when she wondered and doubted, when she questioned his devotion to her and it ate at her.

 

Realistically she had nothing to complain about and she knew it but that sinking feeling just wouldn’t quite quit. Charlie was ecstatic about their wedding in April. It was going to be beautiful, the colors were perfect. Meryl had been asked immediately to be a bridesmaid and she had accepted with a huge smile and was taking to it like a duck to water. She was constantly sending texts about different ideas for the wedding and Tanith was grateful, she really was but everything just seemed so perfect, she couldn’t help but wonder when the floor would give out.

 

But as she discovered her own insecurities hadn’t vanished like she thought. And she hated it; she hated herself for doubting him. He’d never really given her any true reason to doubt his love and affection. She couldn’t hold the looks that she thought she interpreted against him. He had come clean and told her about their foray into dating—even though she practically had to pry it out of him—and they had been eighteen, nineteen when it happened. It had been close to nine years since they tried dating and she couldn’t really hold it against him. But why did it still bother her so much that she sat there obsessing some nights when she was alone, re-watching their programs, trying to find where it all went to pieces, trying to figure out why he could still look at her with a passion that she wasn’t sure he looked at her with. 

 

But she was happy. Despite it all, she was happy. They had signed up to do a couple skating shows with their partners and they were going to do Stars on Ice together. And while she and Charlie did skate together, neither of them felt as comfortable skating with each other than they did when they were with their real partners. But she had been pleased to learn that they would be skating together for Pandora Presents Love on Ice. It was a beautiful piece and she loved the way he looked at her when he got down on his knees. It reminded her of his proposal and it reminded her that he had chosen her to spend the rest of his life with, no matter what she imagined.

 

Yet, there was an unsettling feeling in her stomach as she watched them rehearse their new piece—“Say Something” by A Great Big World. It was wonderfully done, Sharna had really helped them with it and it was heartbreakingly beautiful. The lyrics were probably what affected her the most and she remembered asking Charlie who picked the song. He had shrugged and said it was Meryl’s turn and she liked sad songs, so matter-of-factly that she had simply nodded and remarked that it certainly was a heartbreaker. 

 

Or maybe it was story, she contemplated as she watched them set up for a real run. The imagery of the two sitting at a table, a couple fighting, a couple who were giving up on each other. It just felt like it had more meaning as she watched Meryl pretend to take off her ring—a fake ring on her ring finger, where a wedding ring would rest—and skate away. She couldn’t help herself from applauding though and she wanted to search their eyes for some underlying message but she didn’t. She couldn’t. She didn’t really want to know.

 

She watched Charlie skate over to her and kiss her cheek as he smiled at her while Meryl gave a wave before starting to move the tables and chairs so that she and Ben could practice. Ben was in town for a few days so they could run a couple pieces in preparation for the skating shows and the tour. As they ran through their pieces she was found comfort in being in his arms, he was always there for her and she loved that he was able to be her friend when she needed it.

 

They wrapped practice a little later as Meryl excused herself to go call her boyfriend and Charlie left to go watch his niece and nephew, leaving her and Ben alone. They didn’t leave the rink immediately though. Instead she found herself standing on the ice, staring off into space. “Penny for your thoughts, Tan?” Ben’s voice broke into her revive.

 

“Just thinking. They’re so good.” Her voice was soft. “They really made me believe that they could be in love right then and there.” She couldn’t help it. “I know they’re not but…”

 

“Tan, you’ve got to stop doing this to yourself.” Ben said gently as he put his arm around her, guiding her towards the side of the rink. “Why do you stay, if you’re never sure? I don’t understand. He loves you and you love him but I feel like you’re always waiting for him to fail this test.” Shaking his head, he added, “It’s not healthy and you know it.” 

 

Ben’s disapproval didn’t stem from disliking Charlie but rather his own perception that Tanith would never be as secure as she should be in her relationship. It was impossible to hate Charlie but he came pretty damn close when she called him up in tears from L.A. during DWTS. He often wondered why she stayed—she was gorgeous and talented and she certainly didn’t need him but she definitely wanted him.

 

And perhaps that’s why he was convinced Charlie was wrong for her. He genuinely liked Meryl and Charlie but he didn’t understand their inherit closeness—almost too dependent nature and very possessive behavior towards each other. He considered him and Tanith to be close but they took it to a whole new level. He had mentally catalogued every odd interaction he observed from them but he didn’t dare let Tanith know. She was an adult and she had to make her own decisions, though he didn’t always agree with them.

 

“Ben, I love him. Do you understand that? I love him like you love Merrie.” That gave Ben a pause, as she knew it would—sometimes even as well as Ben meant the judgment—condescending and very disapproving— was too much. “I love him with all of my being and heart. He’s my soulmate and my other half. I don’t feel complete without him and I can’t imagine being without him. And he chose me to love, me to share his life with, me. But sometimes,” her voice broke off, trailing quietly, “I do wonder.” Her voice became stronger, “Meryl’s one of my best friends and I trust them both with my life but sometimes, it’s like there’s a shadow hanging in my relationship, a ghost, I can’t quite rid myself of and it’s just a feeling but it’s powerful and I feel it watching them skate that piece.”

 

He shook his head in disbelief, in anger, in sadness. He was well aware that piece was moving and beautiful and graceful. And in his mind, it was a piece that described them better than they’d ever admit. He often thought of the saying, “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart,” and he wondered if for them, it was it was skating instead of drinking which allowed their feelings the most freedom and expression.

 

“I know and I know he loves you, so I guess you just need to make peace with whatever you think is there.” His words sounded false to his ears and he was lucky that she didn’t comment on his almost bitter choice of words. He hated that he would never fully support her choices and she knew it, she hated that she couldn’t fully take his advice and he knew it. So they agreed to disagree with a squeeze of his hand and her arm slung low across his back as they skated off the ice.

 

* * *

 

 

True to his words, she did try her hardest to not think about it. She had been thrilled when Meryl came with her to pick out her dress and Meryl had started tearing up when she put on the dress. And everything seemed to be moving along beautifully. She never felt closer to Charlie and she felt happy. But one day she was watching them skate—it was more like dance—to the music for one of their ice show routines and she felt her heart freeze.

 

Beautiful and delicate, the look on their faces was so touching, she almost lost it but she didn’t. Their synchronicity was perfect and their eyes were locked on each other. She could feel Ben tense up behind her as he noticed her change in body language—he was always her partner and she knew that whatever he was seeing, the wheels were turning in his head. 

 

And the ghost, the ghost who haunted her relationship, was back in full force. And all of her worries surfaced. She realized that everyone was watching them skate and it was beautiful. They cared about each other so much and in that moment, she could picture their future if she and Maks weren’t in the picture. In her mind’s eye, she could see everything that they were getting ready to embark on except it was between the two of them. Instinctively, she sought out his eyes—Maks’—to see if he saw what she saw and she realized that they both were looking for confirmation in each other’s eyes.

 

His jaw was a little tense and his eyes a little sad, and he acknowledged her look with a slight inclination of his head as he turned back to the ice. He was in town to practice with Meryl for Shall We Dance and Tanith felt her own heart clench once more. They were both utter fools for love and when the piece ended, she felt her hands instinctively clap together with the rest of the group, listening to their hushed, awed whispers. They really were magnificent when they were together on the ice.

 

And she watched Charlie and Meryl skate off the ice towards them, so close but not touching. Their hands hanging by their sides, his slightly clenched, hers fluttering—like they almost wanted to reach out and grab each other’s hands like so many times before, but they restrained themselves—and not looking at each other and she wondered, if they realized what they had just done—the emotion they were able to invoke in those surrounding them, the emotion that they were still clearly able to bring out in each other.

 

Instead she plastered a smile bright on her face as she kissed his cheek and watched Meryl embrace her boyfriend. And looking past their significant others’, she locked eyes with Maks and knew that both knew. Both of them were unable to let go of their partner, no matter how much they realized that they would settle for second in the deepest recesses of their partners’ hearts.

 

At dinner that night, she marveled at their ability to behave as if it was simply a performance, but she knew them better. She knew Charlie better than anyone, save for Meryl and she knew that Charlie was never that great of an actor. Meryl was always better but even now, she could tell that their ability to connect and translate their affection for each other on ice was something that she couldn’t fake. Even now, she watched her smile at Maks; it lacked the genuine warmth and love from the smiles she gave Charlie.

 

Tanith was dismayed to realize that she would forever feel like this, because the heart wants what it wants and hers wanted Charles Allen White Jr., no matter if her head said she might be better off without him. She wondered if it would be easier if Charlie didn’t love her, and she realized that’s what made it worse. He loved her, but he loved another more—even if he would never admit it to anyone but himself.

 

She realized that she was drowning in him—drowning in everything about him and she realized that his lies, while they kept her with him, were also slowly letting her slip under. She fantasized that night before she fell asleep about Charlie coming clean—finally admitting the truth that they pretended didn’t exist. Admitting his deeply unresolved feelings for his partner and imagined her own freedom; her own choice to leave knowing that she could only ever be second. She thought she would be free, free to walk, free from the complications of her heart. Free to choose her, free to be someone’s first choice instead of second and so she fell asleep tired and exhausted about the possibilities of Charlie coming clean. And she realized right before sleep and exhaustion took her that, it was because he was willing to lie to himself and the world, she wouldn’t leave. Because he was still choosing her and that, she discovered with a heavy heart, was enough for her—even if Ben felt she deserved better, even if she, herself, knew better in her heart.

 

She was never so thrilled as when they reverted back to practicing other fun, group numbers the next day and she could still the demons in her mind. It was fun being around her fellow skaters and dancers were equally as fun. She loved Sharna and found her ability to tease a smile out of Charlie endearing. It was that day that she found it was becoming easier to pretend as Meryl prattled on about her wedding and was insistent of throwing her a bachelorette/slumber party the night before and how Charlie made an exaggerated face when someone suggested that he should let his hair grow out very long for the wedding.

 

They ended up double dating that night with Meryl and Maks. It’s fun and she realizes that this is the way it’s supposed to be—fun and happy. Maks was adorably protective of his Meryl and Meryl seemed more affectionate and self-assured than ever around him, it was change that she liked. She pretends not to notice the faint look of irritation of Charlie’s face when Maks got a little too touchy with Meryl nor the look of disappointment that fell across his face, so briefly, that indicates that he’s not quite as happy about the couple as they are when Meryl cuddled close to Maks, temporarily forgetting her own self-imposed, no PDA rules. And she was envious at that moment of how open they appeared to be—even if she was convinced it was a mirage on Meryl’s part, but Meryl was the consummate actress.

 

But in general, it was a successful and happy date and she counted herself blessed that she is happy, even though she’s uncertain about her fiancé’s happiness. But once more she lay awake at night thinking over the events of the day. And she realized there had been another emotion she had while watching them—familiarity. When she looked at Meryl and Maks and she saw her own relationship looking back her, but with brunettes instead of blondes. The symmetry was so stunning and astounding, she realized that this was their life, her life, reflected back at her. And with that she vowed never to revisit this again because it made her miserable and she was happy with her choice.

 

Because as she told Ben and herself, she loved him and she wanted him—he was everything she wanted and he choose her. The fact that he chose her was something she would always cling to and she would always point to whenever Ben questioned her or she questioned herself. **Because love isn’t easy or perfect, and you can’t help whom you love, but you love them just the same, she told herself, and she really did love Charlie.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear that I'm going to finish this story. I already have the chapters planned out, just need to finish writing. It will be updated again rather quickly I hope too!!


	15. Sad Beautiful Tragic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people turn away when a car accident strikes, unfortunately for you, you're one of those people who can't bear to look away.

_“Long handwritten note deep in your pocket, words, how little they mean when you're a little too late. I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket. Good girls, hopeful they'll be and long they will wait. We had a beautiful magic love there, what a sad beautiful tragic love affair. In dreams I meet you in warm conversation, we both wake in lonely beds in different cities and time is taking its sweet time erasing you. And you've got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me, ’cause we had a beautiful magic love there. What a sad beautiful tragic love affair. Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, this train runs off its tracks. Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen? Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back. A beautiful magic love there, what a sad beautiful tragic, beautiful tragic, beautiful. What we had – a beautiful magic love there, what a sad beautiful tragic love affair. We had a beautiful magic love there. What a sad beautiful tragic love affair.”_

_Oh what a tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive._ **And deceiving ourselves in the worst crime, a crime that both of them were so guilty of—but it wasn’t just their life partners had deceived themselves as well.** She had been observing and watching them since the beginning. And she was tired of it, she longed to knock their heads together, to make them see reason but it was to no avail. They had already decided to staunchly bury their heads in the sand.

 

Whoever knew that she would see herself as the voice of reason in their screwed up love quadrangle—and she was just the silent observer who still watched them and their every interaction for clues. Sharna knew that there was little point anymore in trying to make them see reason. It’s funny when Meryl had approached her to ask her to help them with an exhibition piece for the season and told her they’d chosen “Say Something,” she’d been apprehensive.  

 

Did they really not listen to the lyrics or listen to what the song was implying but one look to Meryl’s face told her that she either wasn’t aware or didn’t care that this song was almost a refection of their situation. And then that’s how the choreography was born—in that instant, she was sure she could make them see the truth with the idea she had racing around her mind.

 

In her mind’s eye, she imagined the scene so perfectly, a couple—married or engaged perhaps, together, realizing that everything was falling apart. A couple realizing that everything was ending and that they couldn’t do anything about it. A couple that was on the verge of losing everything and themselves—a couple quite like them. Building and ebbing, showing that sometimes love isn’t enough, or rather the lack of action, of voice, of words, isn’t enough. And the mood was beautiful, sad, tragic and haunting.

 

She hoped the symmetry at the end, with Meryl taking off her ring and skating away as Charlie’s head dropped would make them realize that this was their life minus the props. But instead, they just spoke about how much they adored the piece and her and she wondered if they were just pretending. Pretending that they didn’t understand the significance of the music, of her choreography and she knew that even if they pretended otherwise, others around them understood and knew.

 

She couldn’t help but continue to watch them whenever she could. And she adored them, thought they were great role models and she liked their significant others, which made it so much worse. She thought Tanith was great and Maks was one of her greatest friends but she didn’t love them together. Maybe it’s because she’d seen the chemistry and the passion that burned so hot when they were together. How one look could seem to make them smolder and burn, and that’s why she could never fully support their relationships, not that they neither needed nor craved her approval. 

 

Instead in her mind’s eye, she viewed their relationship as something a little like art— _like a perfect tragedy that makes you really think about why people do the things they do_. Why people can fool themselves into thinking otherwise and why denial is the worst place to live. And she took all that she had observed and counted it as a learning lesson. She wondered why they wouldn’t end the charade as she eyed Maks and Meryl cuddling together while Charlie attempted aloofness and very pointedly turned his back to them.

 

She wondered why they couldn’t just end the movie that seemed to play out every time they were in the room. It was a simple movie, boy loves girl, girl loves boy, but both had boyfriends/girlfriends, so they break up, deal with the fall out and then they end up together and everyone is happier and better of for it in the end.

 

Maks thought Meryl was  **all he wanted** —and maybe she was—but not like this. He didn’t want her halfway in and halfway out of a relationship that seemed more based on their incredible chemistry than love. And Tanith,  **ever dependable,** wanted Charlie despite her own knowledge that she’d never be fully comfortable with the feelings that had been deemed in the past. Tanith was gorgeous and she could have any guy she wanted—except the guy she wanted most of all. 

 

It was tragic in her eyes as she critically eyed them once more from a discrete distance. She thought back to a conversation she had once with Val and Derek back when they had been informed that they were an actual thing, like an actual couple.

 

* * *

 

 

“Can you believe it?” Val said, smirking, “He got the girl after all.” Sharna rolled her eyes as she sat down next to him in one of the many chairs in a rehearsal room of DWTS. Derek nodded his head in agreement as he took a long sip of water.

 

For once, it was just the three of them with the other members off doing something else and they were able to talk freely. Meryl had finally given Maks the green-light to say something more about their relationship and Maks had wasted no time in informing more people.

 

“I saw that eye roll, Sharna. What are you thinking?” Derek asked. He had purposely tried to remain neutral in the whole thing as he liked everyone involved and nursed a soft spot for the ice dancers who he’d help choreograph one of their Olympic Gold winning performances. But he wouldn’t deny he was skeptical that this would work or would even be a long-term thing. And despite Maks’ flaws, he deserved more than and he knew Tanith did as well.

 

“Did he really—get the girl?” Sharna asked. “I think the girl’s not quite there yet. And I don’t know if he’ll ever have the girl the way he thinks he will.” She noticed a faint look of interest spark in Val’s eyes.

 

“C’mon, she’s dating him. Maks is in love with her—like head over heels, love with the woman.” Shrugging his shoulders, “Meryl’s always been a little more guarded with her emotions than him but she likes him a lot—she could be falling in love with him.”

 

Muttering under her breath, she said, “That would require her to fall out of love with Charlie first.” Only Derek heard as comprehension dawned on his face, confirming everything he’d ever thought about the two and he felt a twinge of sadness for Maks. Though Val was unable to hear what Sharna had said, he could tell it wasn’t a happy thought.

 

Challenging her, he started to ask her exactly what she meant before Derek cut in, “She could be, Val but that doesn’t mean that there’s not other things going on in her world which would lead to Sharna’s conclusion.”   
  
Rolling his eyes at Derek’s attempts to keep the peace, Val muttered under his breath, “I’m not sure why you all are so skeptical.” Placing emphasis on this, he added, “She’s dating him, and she sure as hell acts like she loves him.”  
  
Sharna added archly, “Maybe she’s just a damn good actress, Valentin.” Val looked hurt at her tone that she softened as Derek shot her an exasperated and imploring look to be nice. “I just mean that I don’t she’s there yet—and that’s not to say she won’t be.” She added belatedly, reminding herself that it was better if the brothers Chmerkovskiy didn’t know quite yet that Meryl would probably never love him the way she ought to. Val huffed and left right after that leaving Sharna and Derek alone.

 

“You shouldn’t be so honest.” Derek said finally, his eyes never leaving Meryl and Charlie who were posing for a picture together while Maks played cameraman.

  
**“I pity him. I pity them.”** Sharna said. “The worst part is that a part of me hates them for doing to their significant others. Because I love Tanith and Maks is like a brother to me.” Sharna said, the bitterness in her own voice surprising Derek and herself. 

 

“I choreographed a perfectly heartbreaking, striking number for them that I was sure that would do it.” Derek tore his gaze from the trio and looked at her. “I was sure that it would cause all the pretenses to drop, for Charlie to act—or Meryl,” she shook her head, “I’ve always thought Meryl was smarter than that. But she’s still pretending to be an idiot and it doesn’t suit her. Playing the fool suits neither of them well.” 

 

Derek finally said, “I know what you mean but it’s not your place to fix them. It’s not your job—and you can’t. They’re stubborn like that. They think they choose and I don’t think that you could convince them otherwise. It’s not fair to their partners but I don’t think they’ll ever be unfaithful.” He added as a consolation.

 

“Maybe never in deed but in their hearts? In their minds? Derek, you can’t tell me that you believe that they both are completely faithful to their partners. It takes more than not physically cheating, there’s emotional cheating and I think—and you should think—that they’ve already committed and will continue to commit it.”

 

“I think that they’re in a no win situation. And we’re lucky that it’s not us.” Derek said quietly. “I think the hardest thing is giving up the one that you love and sacrificing your happiness for another. And I’m sure that they don’t see it quite like that but they’re making Tanith and Maks happy.” He looked at her straight in the eye. “I think in their own way they love them. And you’re lucky that the one that you love is the one that you have and you’ll never know that type of pain and heartache associated with their situation. Because regardless, it wouldn’t be so simple if they up and decided that they wanted to be with each other. The casualties would be huge and they do love their chosen partner in a way, maybe not the way they love each other but you know, fairytales don’t always have a happy ending do they?” Derek excused himself right after that, leaving Sharna alone to contemplate what he said.

 

* * *

 

 

And now she was here watching them act the adorable, loveable couple that she pictured them as even if she could tell that Meryl was more relaxed now that Charlie was nowhere in sight. In this light, she could almost imagine them as a wonderful, fun loving couple—almost a couple completely in love. She could almost see that Meryl was in love with Maks but she knew the truth and she couldn’t quite separate the two.

 

And a different part of her pitied Maks because he had the girl but the girl wanted someone else and he was ignoring the fact that another girl wanted him so much. She often saw Peta glance at them with a hint of longing, a sad look on the pretty blonde’s face before she caught herself. And she wondered if Maks was better off with someone who worshiped him than someone who he was always trying to reach for—always just out of grasp.

 

She knew that others had to have seen it but once again she wondered why they didn’t say anything. She couldn’t help but listen to Meryl inform the rest of the company about Charlie’s wedding with her bright smile never fading as Maks faux complained about having to get all dressed up to go to a wedding, as she rolled her eyes at him and whacked his arm. But she caught the slight look of sadness in her eyes as she explained that she was a bridesmaid and how Charlie had lost out on making her a groomsman at his wedding. 

 

Val wandered over to her and said, “He’s serious about her.” His voice was hushed and he didn’t look at her. “He wants to marry her even though he knows she’s not ready or won’t be ready for a while. But he’s looked at rings and my parents love her.” Out of the corner of her eye, she looked at his face as he stared at them. “I think I owe you an apology.” She turned to look at him in surprise. “You were right. She’s not in love with him the same way he loves her.” 

 

“Val, does he know?” She asked, not quite able to stop herself from asking even though she was sure it was the last thing he wanted to be asked.

  
Tortured eyes met hers, and she could see the conflict unresolved, lying just below the surface. “No. I haven’t told him and I’m not sure he would believe me anyway.” He shook his head, “He’s in too deep.” He made a soft tired sound. “The worst part is that she really cares about him—just not the way he wants her to.”

 

Instead of saying anything, she reached for his hand and squeezed gently. She was sure that this was terrible for him. He didn’t want to be the one to crush his brother’s happiness yet how could he let him go on believing that he held her whole heart when both were positive no one other than Charlie had ever held it to begin with.

 

Instead, by weekends end, Sharna is more convinced than ever that perhaps Maks isn’t as blind as he appears. She caught him watching Meryl’s face when her face lit up just a little too brightly as she left the room to take a call. She’d give everyone three guesses who was calling and the first two wouldn’t count. Instead, she watches Maks appear to smile as he offers a bright smile that just barely masks the look of sadness. Looking around the room, she seems the conflict on Val’s face and the longing of unrequited love on Peta’s. And she wonders what her own face would betray.

 

They never dance better than the last show before Meryl hops a plane to go skate with Charlie. And she pretends not to see the cloud that covers Maks’ face when she leaves. Instead, all she thinks about how sad, beautiful, and tragic it all was— **what a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair for all parties involved as the curtain closes to thunderous applause** . 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist adding a Sharna chapter. As a sorry present for being a terrible uploader, I'm uploading three chapters tonight.


	16. Chandelier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

_“Party girls don't get hurt. Can’t feel anything, when will I learn? I push it down, push it down. I’m the one "for a good time call.” Phone’s blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell,_ _I feel the love, feel the love. 1,2,3 1,2,3 drink, 1,2,3 1,2,3 drink, 1,2,3 1,2,3 drink. Throw 'em back, 'til I lose count. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist, like it doesn't exist. I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight. Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes. Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cos I'm just holding on for tonight, on for tonight.”_

 

“Shots, shots, shots, shots.” The chant was endless as she glanced over at her group once more. Tanith’s blond hair was loose on her shoulders, glittery tiara on her head screamed either 21 st birthday or bride, Meryl couldn’t decide through the haze of alcohol. But the sash did it. White with hot pink glittery writing it proclaimed for all the amused patrons at the bar that this woman right here was the “Bride to Be.” 

 

She looked gorgeous—all white ensemble with a pair of killer pink heels, long curls loose and a bright, breathtaking smile on her face as she giddily took another shot handed to her by her maid of honor, puckering her face slightly as she downed it and then slammed it down on the table to raucous cheers from their group. Meryl looked down at her own ensemble, a black dress with a pair of heels, a dress that directly expressed her mood.

 

She smiled as one of the bridesmaids caught her eye and lifted her glass of vodka tonic a little higher before joining in the cheering. She hoped she had covered her tracks well until her best friend whispered in her quiet, drunk voice, slurring just a little, “You look upset. Did you have a fight with Maks?”

 

Shaking her head softly, she said, “Just feeling the effects of the alcohol. I haven’t drunk this much that one formal.” She added with a laugh, hoping she’d convinced her to leave the subject alone. Brooke was looking at her with serious eyes, scrutinizing her face. Luckily, Brooke was just a little too far gone to realize the Meryl was lying to her and simply nodded before taking another sip of her drink. 

 

Unconsciously, or perhaps subconsciously, she found herself wondering what Charlie and the boys were up to and wondering how, it would have felt like for it to be her bachelorette party for her marriage to him. It was wrong and stupid of her but she could blame it on the alcohol when she woke up the next morning. Dreams never hurt anyone right?

 

In her fantasies, she could picture her own wedding, perfectly done in the fall just as the leaves were starting to change—perfect for outdoor pictures and the right temperature for longs dress and tuxes. Purple would be the color, or maybe lavender, lilac, with soft gold and ivory accents. It would be beautiful, perfectly them— _what was she really thinking?_ **She shouldn’t be daydreaming about a wedding that would never take place to a groom whose bride to be she was currently celebrating.**

 

She downed her drink and excused herself to go to the bar again with a smile and a wave of her empty glass. She dared not look at Tanith, in all of her blond goddess glory, shining brighter than a sun. She looks so beautiful and happy, she wonders if she could ever be that happy. And she’s happy for her—really she is but it doesn’t sop her from wishing that…She didn’t dare finish the thought. She was happy. She was dating a wonderful man who she shared a deep connection and beautiful friendship. She loved him but not the way he wanted her to, not the way he deserved it. 

 

Instead she wandered up to the bar and ordered herself another tonic. Was it her third or her fourth? How many shots had she had? Did she even care? No she decided, today was as good as any day to get rip roaring drunk. After all, the wedding was in less three weeks. 

 

Three weeks until she lost her partner. Three weeks until she’d walk down the isle in her lavender-pink dress. Three weeks until she’d watch the love of her life marry the love of his. Three weeks until she’d smile and pretend that she was thrilled for the happy, beautiful blessed couple. Three weeks until it was all over. 

 

Instead of heading back to the table, she veered course. She headed outdoors into the chilly Detroit air. She felt numb both inside and out. She thought about going back in there and grabbing her purse and coat and leaving, claiming illness or headache. But she didn’t instead she found herself scrolling through her phone. 

 

She ignored Maks’ last text. She wasn’t in the mood. Instead she found herself scrolling through her pictures. **He was everywhere.** He was in most of her pictures, in her texts and in her life. She couldn’t get away from him. And she didn’t want to. She just wanted him, wanted him more than she wanted anything ever before. Her gaze landed on a photo of them from Sochi, right before the team skate. His arm was wrapped around her waist and her head rested on his shoulder. They were smiling brightly and she could imagine that they were a couple in that picture.

 

And then her phone buzzed and a familiar name flashed across the screen. Of course it was him. And instead of answering like she wanted to, she forced herself not to, pretending not to notice the vibrations. Instead she squared her shoulders, tossed her head back and headed towards the door of the bar and back to her table where only Brooke seemed to have noticed her absence. Waving off her concerns with an airy, “Just needed to sober up a little,” before she flagged down a waiter and ordered another round of shots for the table despite, Tanith’s week protestations. 

 

As she raised her glass and toasted to the happy couple, **she stuffed that sinking, churning feeling in her stomach way down deep into the recesses of her stomach**. I _t was a bachelorette party after all. And she knew exactly how this story ended._

 

* * *

 

 

Five shots of tequila down, he was the definition of white girl wasted. He didn’t even like tequila—he blamed Scott for this stupid, over the top bachelor party that he was forced to endure. Forced wasn’t the right word, he was happy to be celebrating his impending marriage. And he knew that this was supposed to be the time of his life, his last blast before he was one of the boring married men that Scott kept loudly talking about.

 

And he felt so drunk but not even drunk on alcohol. _He was drunk on sadness and drunk on heartache_. He was **drunk on the past** not the tequila. And it was so wrong but he was thinking of a **different bride** as his friends drunkenly toasted to him and one of them threw an arm around his shoulder as they extolled the virtues of his bride-to-be.

 

In his head, he found himself wondering what would happen if it had been Meryl instead of Tanith. Would he feel the need to drink until he couldn’t remember? Would he feel the need to be so drunk to forget?

 

Every damn time he thought he was over everything that happened between, something sucked him back in and he was so tired of it. Tired of pretending that nothing really happened between them. He was sick of being that cliché, he was sick of being an idiot. He was sick of being a fool.

 

Scott didn’t even notice as he shrugged off his arm and started to leave the table. A protest arose from his friends when they noticed he was trying to leave and he held up his empty glass as an explanation. They accepted it without another word and nodded wordlessly as Scott once again drew the attention onto him, loudly offering to tell some embarrassing story about him. Charlie made eye contact with Scott for a few seconds and he saw that Scott was giving him an out—that Scott understood and that he still could read his old training mate like a book.

 

Instead of heading towards the bar, he walked towards the entrance of the bar. Stepping outside, he watched the couples walk by on the street, arms around each other and smiles bright. He wondered why he was jealous of them. 

 

It made absolutely no sense. He had a beautiful fiancée who he’d loved for many years even if he wasn’t in love with her the way he used to be. And he was getting married—three weeks. He had a great house and life. His family was supportive. He won the freaking Olympics and he had everything that he could have ever dreamed of or wanted, yet he still felt so empty.

 

And sometimes he hated her. He hated her more than he ever could have imagined sometimes. Because she ruined him for any other woman, she ruined him and she never gave him a chance to get back what she stole. He hated her for being a better actress than he was an actor. He hated her for being happy with someone who wasn’t him. 

 

He was a hypocrite. He knew it and wore it well because he had moved on first. But only after she broke his heart once again. And he hated her boyfriend. He hated the way that he looked at her and the way that she looked at him. He hated that her boyfriend was so serious about her that he wanted to marry her and that she would probably accept. He wondered what sort of claim he had on her—he didn’t have one anymore but he wanted to know why.

 

He wanted to know why he wasn’t enough. Why he wasn’t able to let her go, why he clung to the last broken pieces of his relationship with her and why he couldn’t give it up. She was his drug and he was addicted to her, just like he always was.

 

Gripping his head, he ran a few fingers through his blond curls. He tugged aimlessly at stray one as thought about all the times, Meryl ran her hands through his hair. He wondered what she was up to and he knew that she was out and about with the bridal party celebrating his fiancée.

 

Impulsively, he reached for his phone and dialed her number. He knew she wouldn’t pick up. But he waited for the voicemail and before he spoke he breathed heavily into the phone before saying haltingly, _“I hate you. I hate the way that you make me feel, the power that you have over me. I hate that you’re happy with someone else. But most importantly, I hate that...”_ Someone abruptly grabbed the phone out of his hands and hit end.

 

Looking up in surprise, he was shocked to see it was Jeremy, who looked angrier than he had in a while. **“What the hell are you doing, Charlie?”** Jeremy demanded, jabbing a finger into his chest as he glared at him. Through the drunken haze, Charlie was able to see that Jeremy was far steadier on his feet than he was and far more sober.

 

“I…I…I was just…” Jeremy cut him off saying, “Don’t Charlie. I know what you were doing and so do you. This has to end.” He voice was tight with frustration. “Why the hell are you doing this to you—to her—to your fiancée?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” He repeated dumbly and robotically. He wasn’t sure why he kept doing this yet he still was. Jeremy shook his head at him and started to turn to leave, to go back into the warmth when Charlie said something so quietly he almost missed it. _“I love her more than I should, than I could have imagined. It kills me to know that…”_ Shaking his head, he pushed past Jeremy and headed inside without waiting for him.

 

Making his way back over to the table, he allowed the boys to buy him another round as he took yet another shot with a wide smile. Jeremy said nothing as he made his way over with a drink for Charlie in one of hands. He gave him a half-apologetic smile as he handed it over to him. And Charlie shot him a half-apologetic smile in return for his own cowardice. Jeremy carefully slipped him his phone as Scott’s all too knowing gaze made its way onto him. Instead Scott offered a half-sardonic smile as he raised his glass to him.

 

He vowed not to look at Scott again and finished his evening by continuing to drink more than he had since he turned twenty-one. _It was the only bachelor party he was ever going to have so he might as well live it up, he figured as the boys bought him yet another round. Three more weeks until his life changed permanently._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just had to do a bachelor/bachelorette party chapter! Rehearsal dinner is next.


	17. One Last Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting go is the hardest part. Being selfish would be easier but you'd be a worse person for it.

_“I was a liar. I gave in to the fire. I know I should've fought it, at least I'm being honest. Feel like a failure, ’cause I know that I failed you. I should've done you better, ’cause you don't want a liar. And I know, and I know, and I know, she gives you everything, but, boy, I couldn't give it to you and I know, and I know, and I know, that you got everything, but I got nothing here without you. So one last time, I need to be the one who takes you home. One more time, I promise, after that I'll let you go. Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart, all I really care is you wake up in my arms. One last time, I need to be the one who takes you home. I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it. But stay with me a minute. I swear I'll make it worth it. Can’t you forgive me? At least just temporarily, I know that this is my fault. I should've been more careful. I know I should've fought it, at least I'm being honest. But stay with me a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it, babe, ’cause I don't want to be without you.”_

 

Smiling brighter than ever, she wondered why, when, how did her life end up like this...this empty, hollow life? Here she was a woman, who was on the cusp of having it all and yet, she had nothing. She had a loving boyfriend but as much as she loved him, she wasn’t in love with him. No, she was still in love with the groom and of course, it was said groom’s rehearsal dinner where she was a bridesmaid.  

 

Her smile was bright as yet another person commented on how lovely the couple was and how happy she must be for them. She was never so glad that Maks couldn’t quite make the rehearsal dinner as when she watched Charlie and Tanith stand so close to each other, entwined in each others arms, blond hair gleaming and looking every part the young couple in love. She didn’t want anyone to dare suggest that perhaps that maybe she could be next, even though she could see the knowing looks on their faces that said it all.

 

Sometimes she didn’t even know why she was still with him. It wasn’t as if she didn’t love him but it wasn’t as if she could ever imagine that he would be enough. Though it was no fault of his, **he wasn’t what she ever pictured, he wasn't what she wanted.** After all, _he had brown hair instead of blond and he danced instead of skated_. _He was assertive and combative instead of quietly confident and nerdy_. **He was a good fit—they made a nice couple—or at least that’s what everyone said—but he wasn’t the perfect fit. She didn’t fit nearly as in his arms like she did her partner’s. And he couldn’t read her so perfectly like her partner did.** _**And she was giving him up in less than twenty-four hours.**_

 

It was unfair of her to place the expectation on him, that he would never move on and it would be arrogant of her to believe that he wouldn’t or couldn’t find happiness with anyone but her. And she truly had only herself to blame but **a part of her resented him—resented him for not fighting for her, not fighting her—for letting her leave without a fight, without fighting for them.** And maybe that was unfair of her but she found it wasn’t fair for her to accept all the blame. He had just let her go and he promised he would never let her go. She could even forgive his drunk rambling message where he told her he hated her—the words cuts deep even though she knew he was plastered out of his mind.

 

She carefully sipped her champagne with a perfectly constructed smile. She had perfected the act of an almost genuine, fake smile over the years. It was so good that only Charlie could ever really tell that she was faking it and he was too preoccupied by the many well-wishers to notice her smile. Brooke was too busy talking with someone else and she didn’t dare talk to her parents—or his for that matter. She wasn’t in the mood for either of their sad, apologetic looks that they seemed to favor when they thought she wasn’t noticing them and believe her, she noticed them and just chose to ignore them.

 

Sighing into her champagne, she suppressed a snigger when she saw Tanith do something particularly sickening. And she felt so mean in that moment because she was sure she would be doing the same if she were in her shoes. And that small-unsuppressed noise caught the attention of the one person who she hoped it didn’t—Charlie. He glanced up at her, catching her gaze and holding it levelly as she mockingly raised her champagne flute in salute _knowing that her behavior was just a tad childish and well beneath her_. 

 

Turning abruptly, she headed towards the bar where she quickly asked for a refill and smiled at the cute bartender who made polite small talk. She couldn’t wait to leave—she was never so happy when Tanith declined her invitation to host a sleepover the night before the wedding. She had precisely thirty more minutes until she could be done and leave. When she got home tonight, she could pretend that tomorrow wasn’t the end of her world and she could forget that this was her life. _Her life was all about Charlie—he was in every major memory, in every picture, in every experience that shaped her into the person who she was today. How was she going to let him go? Could she let him go?_ **It was like losing a piece of herself.**

  


He started to make his way towards her when someone stopped him and she turned away unable to meet his gaze. She felt some saddle up besides her and it was Brooke. She asked cautiously, “Are you ok?” Her voice was worried. “I remember that meltdown you had a few weeks ago in the bathroom...I mean we never really talked about what it was about but you seem, ok now.” She asked her voice raising slightly at the end, making it sound more like a question than it was.

 

Meryl smiled to Brooke and said, “Of course. I was just too drunk and Maks just…you know?” She offered weakly, unable to tell her best friend exactly why she was so upset that night. Unable to tell her why she had been a sobbing wreck, crying drunkenly about her best friend’s wedding and blaming it all on a fake fight with her actual boyfriend. Brooke nodded, clearly worried but willing to buy her story for now. She didn’t admit to her that she had called Marissa sobbing into the phone about how much she wanted to tell him that she still loved him—that she still wanted him. 

 

Marissa had talked her down explained to her that though a drunken mind speaks a sober heart but this was not something she could do drunk. She needed to be sober and he did too. Marissa knew all to well how Meryl had effectively used shielding and blocking techniques to avoid uncomfortable scenarios and she knew that if she had told Charlie this that night, Meryl could wake up the next morning and lie and say she was just too drunk. She knew her better than she knew herself. Instead Meryl had gone home to her apartment and listened to Charlie’s voicemail on repeat with tears streaming down her face, crumpled up in her bed in her black dress. **And all she could think about was his voice saying so brokenly, “I hate you.”** _She hated herself in that moment_.

 

She makes more small talk with Brooke before Brooke said that Tanith was getting ready to leave now and that they should go say goodbye. She accompanied Brooke over to the happy couple and allowed herself to be hugged by the enthusiastic blonde whose smile could light up New York. She smiled back softly as she listened to Tanith ramble while Charlie appeared to be interested in what she said. Before long, she felt Tanith kiss her cheek as she moved away to go. She was flushed and a little teary as she kissed her fiancé—her last single girl night she loudly proclaimed making Charlie blush and Meryl blanche if anyone noticed, luckily no one did—before she went to find her parents. Brooke excused herself quickly after leaving the two of them with no one near by and almost empty of all guests.

 

His voice cut into her silence as she stood there examining his face. “What was up with you earlier? You seemed a bit off.” His voice trailed off as he nervously gestured with his hands.

 

Rolling her eyes, she said, “It’s really none of your business.” Before adding underneath her breath, **“It hasn’t been for years actually.”** She could tell by the way his jaw tightened, he was paying attention and he had heard.

 

He hissed, his voice low and angry. _“What the hell is your problem? What the hell do you want from me?”_

 

Shrugging her shoulders and rolling her eyes, she started to turn away from him. But he grabbed her arm so quickly and turned her back to face him. “You don’t get the last word this time. This time I get the answers and you damn well are going to answer this question. So I repeat myself: what the hell is your problem?” 

 

She bit back, her tone caustic as she dropped the façade for a minute. _“This is your rehearsal dinner,”_ she hissed, angry that he would challenge her here, now.

 

“It’s over,” he insisted stubbornly, gesturing to the now empty room. “And that wasn’t an answer.”

 

“This is neither the time nor place for this conversation,” she said tiredly as she wrenched her arm from his grasp. Glaring at him, her gaze challenged his with one eyebrow arched as if daring him to contradict her. 

 

“Fine, then let’s go—we have to talk.” His tone booked no room for argument as she nodded wordlessly. He didn’t bother to tell his parents or hers that they were leaving, just turned and left as she trailed behind him.

 

The drive to his parents’ house was silent and she felt weak but angrier than she had in a while. He seemed tense and his face was tight with conflict. She wanted to sooth his feelings but it wasn’t her place anymore, she realized belatedly as she watching him turn onto his driveway. 

 

Instead of exiting the car, she turned to face him looking at him like it was the first time she ever saw him. She could remember when they were little kids and looking at him with shy eyes and nerves. She could see the first time she took his hand on the ice and instinctively she reached for his hand and he let her.

 

Tiredly, he said, “Mer, I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do anymore; I don’t know what I should do. Whatever has been bothering you has been affecting me and this has to stop. You have to let me in and let me know what’s going on. There’s this tension between us and I don’t like it—I can’t bear it.” And he opened the door, exiting the car.

 

She sat there for a few minutes, wondering what she could say to make it better. She didn’t have the perfect line or words to make it all go away and not for the first time, she wished she were a braver person. Exhaling slowly, she exited the car and followed him into the house. Instead of lingering in the living room, they made their way up to his old bedroom, twin size bed and all. 

 

“I don’t know where to begin.” She stated, nervously looking around, eyes landing on pictures of him and his family, pictures of her, medals haphazardly scattered, hockey posters. It was all so familiar yet so foreign to her at the same time. Her voice broke the silence once more. “You know I really do love you. But sometimes, I hate you.” He looked up startled.

 

_“You could have fought for me—fought for us. Don’t put this all on me. I think sometimes it’s easier to blame me and I fully accept my share of the blame. I know I was key in tearing us apart. But you had a choice and a chance too.”_ Her voice was soft, _“Why didn’t you stop me from running? Why didn’t you stop me that morning in Russia? Why did you let me go without a fight?”_ She turned to face him and she looked at him and said, “I let you go but you let me go too. So don’t act as if it’s just my problem. You’re getting married tomorrow so can please stop acting as if there’s something wrong with me. You know what’s wrong with me.”

 

**Her tone was so accusatory it took him aback. He shot back, “You left me that morning—I woke up to cold sheets. It was you who didn’t want me to mess with the program—the plan. That fucking plan and congratulations we accomplished everything on it. But according to you, we couldn’t have both.”**  

 

“I was nineteen and scared and of course I wasn’t thinking! One of us to use our head instead of our heart, Charlie! You make it sound like it was just my dreams—but they were yours too. We wanted to be the best in the world, we wanted to win gold, we wanted it all and you can’t have it all. In case you forgot, we argued and couldn’t communicate when we first started dating.” 

 

Frustrated she added, “Even in Russia, we’d just done something **so intimate and precious** but I **couldn’t fathom what it meant to me at that moment**. _All I could see was embarrassment and I was scared!_ We were still so young and you know what—I thought that we just made a **mistake.** ” 

 

His face fell when she said mistake. **“Not a mistake to have sex, Charlie. I don’t regret that—I could never regret that.** But when you were sleeping that day, I couldn’t think about anything but the negative repercussions. So many couples can’t deal with the romance and they break up—they end in flames. _And I didn’t want that for us…I couldn’t lose you. I’m a coward, because I was so afraid of losing you, I was so cold to you the next day. But you have to understand that I couldn’t—I can’t—lose you._ ”

 

He shook his head sadly, **“You already did.”** His voice was dead as he woodenly repeated, “ **You already did. You lost me anyway—tomorrow I’m officially someone else’s.”** She crumpled onto his bed, tears streaking down her face.

 

She pleaded, _“Can’t you just forgive me? Can you ever forgive me?”_ He whispered back, kneeling on the ground in front of her taking her hands in his, looking deep into her eyes, **“I already have. I’ve forgiven you ten-fold.”** Yet the tears still streamed and he wanted to reach for her, pull her into an embrace and tell her it would all be ok, but something stopped him.

 

He examined her face as if he was really seeing her for the first time. She looked so beautiful yet so broken and he knew that he did it to her and they did this to each other. Finally he said, “The problem is I can't keep doing this with you. I'm going to be getting married tomorrow. I can't keep being intimate with you, dancing with you, skating with you and then go back to her, love her, kiss her good night—it doesn't work that way. We have to figure out what we should do but I can't do this…I love you but I can't do this…”

 

“I know…I know…” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “I know, it’s not fair to you, to me, to her, to Maks.” Furiously wiping at her tears, she added, “ **But I love you and I think I always have because you’re Charlie and I’m Meryl.” She swallowed the lump in her throat before saying, “I can’t lose you as a friend—not when I’ve already lost you as a…”** her voice trailed off. 

 

_“You won’t,”_ he countered because despite what he said, he knew that he would continue to skate with her, dance with her, even though it was wrong. She’d never lose him not when she still had his heart in her hands. He moved to sit next to her on the bed and embraced her as he said, _“You could never lose me, Mer. I’m your best friend and I love you.”_ He whispered into her hair, _“I love you more than you could ever imagine.”_

  


It was so wrong to be sitting there, holding her like he used to when they were together. It was so wrong yet it felt so much more right. She was a perfect fit instead of just a good fit and holding her felt like being home. Impulsively, he ran his fingers through a few strands of her loose hair. And he gave into an idea that was completely unrealistic yet he couldn’t stop himself from voicing it.

 

**“I can call it off,”** he cried desperately, _the desperation and truthfulness surprising even himself_. The words tumbled from his mouth rapidly; it was like he was tripping over them to get them out as he added breathlessly, winded like he’d just run a marathon. **“I still love you—I can’t love her the way that I love you. It’s always been you. It’s only ever been you. What a fool we were, but it’s not too late. Tell me it’s not too late. It could never be too late for us. Please, it’s not—it can’t be.”**  

 

It took all of her self-control not to say yes, not to run away with him, and not let him destroy four lives. And briefly she imagined a time when they could have when they didn’t have responsibilities or significant others or people who would be disappointed or angry with them. How could they do that to Tanith the day before her wedding? How could they do it to Maks who loved her unconditionally? How could they do it to the family and friends gathered to celebrate a happy time instead of tragedy? She wanted it so badly though she could almost taste it and he was offering it to her yet it was wrong. It was too late and that realization crashed around her in waves.

 

Her voice sounded foreign to her own ears yet she forced the words out of her mouth despite the sour taste they left. **“But it is, Charlie. It’s too late for us. You can’t call it off.”** Shaking her head, she silenced his feeble protests with a finger to his lips. _“We made a choice and we kept to it. We made our bed, now we have to lie in it.”_ Taking a deep breath, she continued, _**“If I loved you less, I’d say yes.”**_  

 

He looked surprised, “I’d let us blow up our worlds, and **be selfish—so incredibly selfish** but I don’t. Think about the consequences of our actions if we really did do what you suggested? **It would be terrible and we might not survive that. I don’t think we could survive that. I know we couldn’t—the guilt would eat us alive.** E _ven if we did, we wouldn’t be the same people. We wouldn’t be Meryl and Charlie, the two who fell in love with each other when we were just kids_.” She looked at him earnestly hoping he would see the truth in her eyes, _**“We would be people we didn’t like, people who were completely wrong for each other—people who hurt people selfishly and without remorse. That’s not us, Charlie. We’re good people.”**_  

 

He looked so defeated in that moment, she forced herself to continue on, **“But I want you to know, I love you with everything that I have. You had—have—all of me. You always have.”** She took his hands and looking directly into his eyes said, _“And it may not make sense but there’s this quote, I found one day reading Emma. ‘If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.’ And I never understood what she meant until now. I’ve finally realized that it’s true and I finally understand what she meant. I’ve kept my love so quiet because I can’t lose you and if I didn’t love you with all of my being then maybe I would have been able to tell you. I might have been able to prevent us from ending up like this.”_

 

**“But I love you.”** He whispered plaintively, pleading with her to change her mind. She countered quietly, _**“But you love her too. And I love him too. We both chose this.”** _ Shakily, she added, “ **I walked away and you didn’t fight me. You let me go and I went.”**

 

**He knew she was right yet he was unable to really admit it.** He looked her hungrily, like a man dying of thirst, committing to memory her every feature. _He wanted to remember her this way. He wanted to remember her, in this moment, when he was old and gray, remember that she loved him more than he could have imagined. He wanted to see that look on her face when she told him she loved him and see the look on her face when she was the one who was being brave and right and good. More than anything he didn’t want to forget her, forget the look on her face, forget how much she loved him. If he could have that one memory for the rest of his life, he would able to make it through everything—of that he was certain._

 

Regretfully, he confessed, **“You know, it’s always been you. It’ll always be you. I’ve always known that and I love you.”** He cupped her face in his hands as he felt the tears being to fall freely from his face. He wiped a few stray tears from her face with the pad of one thumb.

 

She breathed back, **“I know,”** placing her hands on top of his. Closing her eyes, just feeling him with her. She smiled sadly, trying to remember t **his moment forever, trying to forget how her heart beat when he said it was always her, trying to cling to a moment that she wished would never end.**

 

He held her, pulling her into his lap, her head rested on his heart as he stroked her hair. He murmured into her hair, so soft she almost didn’t quite catch it, _“I always thought it would be you. I thought that it would be me and you. I never pictured it being anyone but you.”_

 

She couldn’t find the words to say how much she agreed. Instead she listened to his heartbeat and closed her eyes. She knew that no words were necessary at this moment. **They were always on the same page. Saying the word would make it more real, would make it impossible for her to pretend for a minute that they had forever, that they had an eternity when in reality they only had hours.**  

 

She wasn’t sure how long he held her for until she started to move and she stood—she knew it was much later than she anticipated and that her family was probably worried about her and Maks probably wondered where she was. She started to leave when he caught her arm and he murmured, his voice tired with sleep, **“Stay. Just this once, stay with me. Please. Please…Mer, please…”** He whispered and her heart broke all over again for them both—for him and for her. And it would be smarter to leave, it would be a better thing to do but she couldn’t—because how could she deny him anything. 

 

Instead of speaking, she lay back down so that they were facing each other and **she stayed.** His eyes were the last things that she saw before she fell asleep with his arms around her. And he fell asleep with her face on his mind, as her head had made its way onto his chest. Neither of them noticed his mother come in an hour later and **wept silently over them both—broken hearted for the both of them as she draped a blanket around them and left just as quietly as she came.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will finish this by the end of the month. I only have two chapters left to write! You'll have to guess which POV the next chapter will be in because it will definitely be in two different people's POV. Let me know what you think.


	18. I Know I'm Not the Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Playing the role you've been playing for years is harder when the truth is you know you're not the only one.

_“You and me, we made a vow for better or for worse, I can't believe you let me down. But the proof's in a way it hurts. For months on end I've had my doubts, denying every tear, I wish this would be over now, but I know that I still need you here. You say I'm crazy, ’cause you don't think I know what you've done, but when you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one. You've been so unavailable, now sadly I know why, your heart is unobtainable, even though Lord knows you kept mine. You say I'm crazy, ’cause you don't think I know what you've done, but when you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one. I have loved you for many years. Maybe I am just not enough. You’ve made me realize my deepest fear, by lying and tearing us up. You say I'm crazy, ’cause you don't think I know what you've done. But when you call me baby, I know I'm not the only one and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, know, I know I'm not the only one.”_

 

Throwing open the curtain with a small, hint of a smile, she looked out—perfect weather for an April wedding. She felt at peace with her decision and she was thrilled—it was finally time. She wondered where he was at this moment, was he ready, was he just as excited as she was? But she wondered whether or not he was thinking of someone else right, imagining someone else in her place. 

 

As she drank her coffee with her family around her, she couldn’t help but wonder if in an alternate life that perhaps this wasn’t her day. She smiled graciously and laughed when someone asked her if she had any nerves or cold feet but she wondered if he had them—how nerve-wracking was it to imagine that she could be that bride who was left at the alter. But she laughed and smiled with the best of them as she listened too the coos over her dress and her perfect long hair, just gently curled.

 

And she heard the door open just as her makeup is being put on and the greeting that followed—she felt a sigh of relief overcome her.  **If she was here then he was going to be there. And she felt sick at her thought because she trusted that he would keep his promise and that he would be there.**

 

**She took a discrete glance towards her; she noticed just a hint of red in her eyes and just a hint of puffiness around her eyes that she was quietly erasing with every sweep of her concealer.** She was smiling and talking with a bridesmaid and laughing about how her hair is a mess. She heard one of them ask how her boyfriend was and she noticed how dismissively she stated that she didn’t see him last night. _She wonders if she dared ask her where she did spend the night before she pushed that traitorous thought from her mind._

 

As she sipped her champagne, she readied herself for the first day of her future and tried to forget her evasive words and red eyes. Today was her day and she was determined to enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. She allowed them to flutter around her, readying her for her wedding day. Ignoring the tightness and pain in her chest was easier said than done and she found her eyes glancing towards her on multiple occasions to see if she could see what she was thinking but she never made eye contact. 

 

When she finally met her eyes, she noticed the faint redness remained and how quickly she dropped eye contact. She watched her smooth down her short lavender-pink dress and she wondered why she chose that color. It was beautiful on her but that color danced towards a color she knew was precious to someone else. Unwilling to expend more energy on the subject, she raised her flute of champagne as the woman in questioned toasted to her on her day. _Far from being as happy as she imagined, she swallowed with a smile. This was her wedding after all and she was happy—wasn’t she?_

 

* * *

 

 

In a room, two floors down, he dressed. He kept refrained from texting or calling her. And he was disappointed that she didn’t see him last night. He was disappointed that he didn’t know what she was thinking. She’d been edgy, cagy on the phone. Her voice had bordered on annoyance, still on the edge of impatience. He wondered if she was happier that he hadn’t showed up. He wondered if she was even happy he was here. She had invited him after all but why did he feel like she didn’t want him here?

 

Shaking his head, he finished and drove to the church, admiring the weather that seemed to want to give the couple their perfect day. Cynically, he wondered if she ever imagined this day differently. He remembered asking her about her dress for the wedding. He noticed the flicker of some emotion he couldn’t identify flash so briefly across her face, before she replied with a short word and then changed the subject.

 

On the drive, he wondered what she was doing right now. He wondered where she spent the night last night. She had mentioned that she might spend the night with her parents but she never texted him or called him. He hoped she might have offered to have him stay with her but she didn’t claiming that she was too involved in the preparations to be an adequate host. He had scoffed when she said that, telling her she was his girlfriend and he didn’t need a host. But she had been firm and he relented, as per usual.

 

**Some days he wished he never fell in love with her.** Because it felt like she was only half with him some days and he wanted all of her; he was a jealous possessive man—that he’d freely admit—and he wanted all of her, the way he gave her all of him. But he never seemed to capture her whole heart and it was worse when they were together. It was as if he wasn’t in their circle, their jokes, their body language, it changed. They were so attuned to each other’s bodies and it’s like their brains were running on the same wavelength. _He knew then that perhaps he’d never gain the keys to their secret little club and the worst part was he accepted it._

 

As he parked, he tried to focus on the day. He tried to focus on the fact that today was neither about him nor his petty jealousies. It was about a couple about to pledge themselves to each other the way that only two people could and should do once in their lives.  **Today he was going to witness the joining of two people’s lives and hopefully, the exit of the third—the one not acknowledged but always present. He formed the fourth in their strange love triangle—square, whatever it was, it should be done with by the end of today.**

 

Taking his place, he noticed the groom seemed a little distant—a little sick, a little tired and a little sad and a little nervous. The families sat straight backed and primly dressed with smiles that didn’t quite reach their eyes. They were watching the groom, watching him, trying to see something that was unseen to him. He wondered what could provoke that sort of reaction from them but he didn’t dwell when he saw that it was almost time. At the sound of the music, he turned his attention to the bridesmaids walking down the isle.

 

They were dressed in various shades of pink like she said and her dress was pretty, a lavender-pink color. If he looked hard enough he could almost picture that color in a skating outfit. And perhaps, it was in a previous dress. He wondered why he was thinking about this now. Her smile seemed genuine enough but her eyes lacked their usual sparkle and depth. He watched her until the bride floated down the isle—a vision in white with the faded pink, her long blond hair was curled and she looked a princess. One look at her face confirmed that today was the happiest day of her life and he was jealous of her.  **He knew that one day he would be able to say the same, but would his bride?**

 

He found himself watching her during the vows, looking for any repressed or conflict dancing around her face. _He wondered if she ever imagined saying those infamous words that would render the ceremony useless but she never broke her stoic pose._ He wondered if the groom wished she would say something but his face had smoothed and the smile he wore was less apprehensive and more joyous.

 

But the ceremony ended and as the groom swept his bride into his arms for their first married kiss, he hoped that one day it would be him. And he knew that despite what he thought, the groom would never marry a woman who didn’t love but that didn’t mean that the groom didn’t love someone else more. Her smile never faltered as she made her way down the isle with his chosen wife. He declined to stay for pictures and left, not before kissing her forehead and telling her how beautiful she was.

 

* * *

 

 

Pictures moved slowly, she pretended not to notice that their performance smiles were in place and her heart sank just a little when she realized that perhaps today might be her happiest day but not his. She was good at pretending though and she smiled and laughed, posing and glowing. And she hoped that he would mirror her but she wasn’t sure.  **She wasn’t sure he could but he had married her and she knew that no matter what, he’d chosen her and chosen their life over the what-ifs and could-have-beens.**

 

The reception moved so perfectly, so smoothly. It was the reception of her dreams and she found that it was like a dream. She smiled and flitted about, ignoring the sad, wistful looks exchanged when they thought no one’s eyes were on them or when their masks slipped just a little. She had agreed to this future and she wouldn’t regret this day, she loved him too much and she loved their life together too much to give it up. But when her eyes made contact with another’s from across the room, _she noticed his disappointment in her which churned her stomach uncomfortably because she knew he disapproved of her choices_.

 

**The bridesmaid gave a perfect speech that reduced everyone in earshot to tears and she could almost hear the warning in her voice telling her that she needed to take care of him.** She nodded her head with her eyes shimmering with tears because she couldn’t help it. _Because it touched every nerve in her body and one look towards a man who she knew would understand, told her he knew as well and his heart was breaking along with hers._

 

She forced herself to break their eye contact and her touch induced a sweet, soft smile that belied all his love for her. She felt him relax into her and she felt herself relax as his focus returned to her. But it didn’t feel as good as she imagined it would because something didn’t feel right.

 

Their dance was perfect and she felt safe in his arms. She heard the whispers about what a handsome couple they made and her face flushed with pride and happiness. This was what she imagined and this was the best day of her life. He smiled and danced with her as other couples join them. And she sees that half-smiling bridesmaid with her boyfriend dancing in a secluded corner of the room and she wonders why she feels that pull in her heart as his eyes make contact over his girlfriend’s head.

 

Later on, the groom claimed the bridesmaid for a dance and standing from the sidelines, as the couple danced so smoothly across the floor, _he was a fool for ever thinking he could compete with him._ He offered his hand to her as she had maneuvered her way over towards them with a sad, twisted smile on her face. And as their eyes met,  **he knew that she was thinking the same thing as him—that perhaps that they both knew that they could never compete with their magnetic pull towards each other.**

 

_The lyrics so haunting so loud in each of their ears, they wondered why they would have chosen this song to dance to—why was it even playing at a wedding? But was heartbreaking to watch how her eyes closed and she leaned into him. And how he pulled her close and he lead her more gracefully than either one of them could dance with their partner._ And as soon as the last note ended, they each whisked their partner away, desperate to put their dance from their eyes.

 

And sooner rather than later, the night was ending. He smiled tightly as she kissed his cheek and he pretended not to notice the slight sheen of tears in her eyes as she embraced him once more.  **He pretended not to notice that she’s just a little too in love with the groom and the groom’s just a little in love with her in return.** _And he pretends that his heart doesn’t weep for her and himself because they love them and give them everything but it would never be quite enough for them._

 

Long after the couple departed under the flurry of bubbles and after they’d spent the nights all wrapped up in each other, he listened to her voice say how much she loved before leaning slightly outside his embrace. And later one, he feigned sleep in his hotel room as he watched her from his side, one eye open as she slipped out of their bed and onto the balcony. He watched her face, pale in the moonlight and he thought he might have seen a tear in her eyes as she watched the sky. 

 

Miles and miles away, she watched him from under her eyelashes as he walked onto his balcony after a night of celebrating their wedding. His step was light and the bed barely dipped as he removed himself from the white sheets, with a practiced light step. He wasn’t aware he was being watched and his shoulder slumped forward as if the weight of the world had been lifted. His expression was troubled and perhaps she knew why but she let him go. If he needed the time perhaps she could give him this one night.

 

Miles apart, they both thought of a certain song with words that just seemed to speak to them. As they lay their watching their partners, they could hear the lyrics repeating in their head. _“You say I’m crazy cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one. And I know and I know and I know and I know.”_ **Because despite the vow, they knew that they weren’t the only ones and they knew that for the rest of their life they’d never be the only ones. But sometimes if one loves the other enough, one deep, desperate, all-consuming love can be enough for two, as sleep took them to the start of their future and their partners reentered their beds.**

 


	19. Epilogue: Should've Been Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can be happy when you realize that everything was worth something in the end and if your pain was enough to bring something better, how can you really regret it even if should have been you?

_“Walking round with my head down, but I can't hide with these high heels on downtown in a thick crowd, but it's just you that my mind is on. Dressed up, got my heart messed up. You got yours and I got mine. It’s unfair that I still care and I wonder where you are tonight. Thinking it could be different but maybe we missed it yea, thinking it could be different, it could, it could. It should've been us, shoulda been a fire, shoulda been the perfect storm._ _It should've been us, coulda been the real thing, now we'll never know for sure, ooh. We were crazy, but amazing, baby we both know. It should've been us, us, it, it, it should've been us. Back and forth like a tug of war, what's it all for, do I want it back. I still got a little flame for ya, even though you drove me mad. Now and then, I pretend that it's you when I close my eyes. You got yours, I got mine, but I wonder where you are tonight. It should've been us, shoulda been a fire, should been the perfect storm. It should've been us, coulda been the real thing, now we'll never know for sure, ooh. We were crazy, but amazing, baby we both know, it should've been us, us. Thinking it could be different, but maybe we missed it. Thinking it could be different, it could, it could.”_

 

In the end, their significant others are the ones to suggest they go back to competing. They had moped and mourned the loss of their skating, their togetherness so much that their significant others actually felt bad enough for them to practically force them back to the ice. Their coach is thrilled and for once, **it seems like this was the way it was intended. They were never meant for retirement the way their partners wished.** _They never notice the sad looks that their partners exchange off the ice with each other, understanding that they are both in second place._

 

**Because it was evident that her without him was a sad woman who couldn’t reach her goals or be happy and him without her was as clueless and lost as a puppy dog whose owner abandoned him.** Neither of their significant others ever really think that perhaps they were mistaken in staying with them but sometimes, they make it so hard for them to feel empathy for them. Yet their partner’s can’t help but feel some sort of sadness for them—a routine is hard to break especially when it’s been going almost two decades. And maybe they can’t help but feel worse for themselves when they realize what they gave up—what they had given up for them—but they try not to dwell.

 

They return to the ice with vigor unknown and hungrier than ever to reclaim everything—their ranking, their podium and their coach is pleased. She pushes them to higher sights and they finally reach their potential in her eyes. They set their sights high, savoring every moment they spend on the ice training or in the gym together. And for once, it’s like normal for them. They’re doing things the way it used to be, the way it always was for them. They win every competition they enter before the Olympics with a razor sharp focus that they can’t bear to be distracted from not by anything or anyone.

 

They go for Gold in Peyoncheng and win.  **And as they finish on the ice, they stand in each others’ arms breathless, exhausted, proud and strangely enough profoundly disappointed.** _They clung together after their win on the podium, in the kiss and cry, in the backroom, at the flower ceremony, really understanding that this was the end. They savored every touch and every moment together._ But a voice was in the back of their head telling them that this was the end, It colored their win just a little because they really knew it was time to let go. They couldn’t go for another four years even if they wanted to, their bodies wouldn’t hold up—his back is beginning to hurt and her bruises don’t heal as easily as they used. Because even if they went to Worlds, they would be calling it quits right after that—skating shows would last for a while _but both understood their partners’ patience was wearing thin and deservedly so_.  **And deep down they knew that they each wanted to move on in whatever capacity they could and prolonging it would only make it worse.**

 

And as it turns out, things really are changing for good. He watches as she accepts her boyfriend’s proposal after her second gold medal with his arm around his wife at their celebration hours after their latest win.  **He’s not as shocked as he could be and it helped that her fiancé asked him for his permission, without asking her father’s or brother’s. It was his subtle acknowledgment that, perhaps, he was the one who really had to give her up—her father had given her to him long ago when he first let him take her hand in his on the ice and up until he’d never really relinquished his hold on her.**

 

It was there that _he realizes that there would be no heartfelt talk or general giddiness like last time._ I **nstead there are just half smiles and that twinge of perpetual disappointment that never really seems to leave or stay buried no matter how hard they try.** He’s _both touched and sad_ when she asks him for a favor—she asks him to walk her down the isle and he understands her intent immediately. **It** **’s** **the true passing of the torch not unlike her fiancé’s private word with him.**

 

As he walks her down the isle, she remembers how she felt when her fiancé proposed. She remembers how she understood that when she sees her boyfriend in front of her on one knee with a ring, she felt that pang of guilt. She  **likes** the person is with him—she’s strong, sexy, confident and beautiful. But she also  **despises** the person she is with her boyfriend because when she’s with him sometimes, she could forget that she ever had him. And s **he doesn’t ever want to forget him, forget that he left a mark so permanent on her, she’s sure they’ll find it engraved in her heart.** But _she loved her boyfriend enough to accept his ring and make him a promise that she’ll love and cherish him in sickness and in health ’til death do them part._ _Just as she knew that he also loved another enough to make that same promise and_ **_it was the right thing to do._ **

 

Later on, he says all the right things at the wedding, delivering the perfect speech with his typical humor and awkwardness. They share a dance once more. They share dance to “I Won’t Give Up,” and the irony was not lost on either one of them because the reality was that they had already given up. As they moved flawlessly across the floor, the irony was almost too much for him to bear—the lyrics they taunted him. The soft voice of Mraz crooning, “I won’t give up on us, even if the times get rough,” but the truth was that they both had given up. It was all he could do now. And he knew she was right—she was always right. 

 

As they dance, she thinks about a conversation they had the night prior—one she’ll never forget at her own rehearsal dinner. He was just a **little drunk** and he whispered to her as the night ended and only their family remained—his wife and excused herself to go home, feeling a little under the weather and her fiancé was gone—eager and ready for the next day. Their parents implicitly knew that the two need a moment alone and they made some excuses to leave them alone—their last few minutes. 

  
It’s not what they expected, it’s not what they could imagine and **ju** **st as she’s getting comfortable with her new role, he drops one last bombshell.** His voice was quiet and slightly slurred by either drink or tiredness when he said, _“You know, once upon a time, you accused me of not fighting for you on a day not unlike this one, in a very similar situation. But you’re wrong, I was going to fight for you—but I saw him kiss you and I left. I thought you moved on. I thought I was too late and I guess I was.”_

 

Her shock was palpable, remembering that moment that she truly had lost her chance with him for good.  **If only he had stuck around to see her push him away—if only he had stuck around for a few minutes—hell, seconds longer to see her shock and how uncomfortable she was with that uninitiated contact.** She wordless gaped at him while he continued, _“Ironic isn't it? By the time I was ready to fight for you, you were already gone. But I couldn’t let you get married without knowing that, without letting you know that I did want to fight for you…that I could have fought for you…”_

 

She said, so quietly,  **“If only you stayed for a few minutes more, you would have seen that I pushed him away. You would have known I didn’t want him.”** It was left unsaid he was the one she wanted. She shrugged helplessly as he raised a brow at her and she knew that he was thinking about she wanted him now. “Things change,” she offered but his face said it all, he’s remembering and wishing he could go back and change time. “We were fools but that’s what we were…that’s what we are…” He held her for a few minutes more before releasing her. And as that dance finishes with him, she thinks she found the closure she needed to really begin her next chapter as a married woman without him. 

 

In his mind, he thinks that perhaps  **fate was conspiring against them** —perhaps, they had provoked it too much and pushed the boundaries too far that they were denied _their third chance_.  **They gambled too much and lost in the end.** And as he whirls her around the floor, he can’t stop that traitorous thought that fantasizes that this was their wedding day and he reminds himself that he is edging towards dangerous territory. He releases her with a soft kiss on the cheek and retrieves his wife from her new husband’s much better skilled hands and feet. And when she smiles up at him,  **he doesn’t feel quite as guilty as he should.**

 

_It’s an old movie, one that’s been played countless times in their minds but this time it’s her leaving in a flurry of bubbles and her who lies awake in a five star hotel in Europe, while he’s left standing there watching her go and sleepless in his bedroom._ **They both imagine what could have been at night but when morning arises they realize there is no place left in their lives for second thoughts and regrets**. **_They decide that they must live the life that they have chosen instead of the one they didn’t._ **

 

He can’t help but be pleased when she announces that she’ll never change her name though. Her last name is the last part of her, them, she has left and she can’t bear to change it. Her husband nods in understanding though his eyes betray his sadness, but it’s his own acknowledgment that hurts the most because she knows that he knows that he may never be first place in her heart and that he’s accepted that as easily as he did. And instead of making him half-empty promises, she tries to show how much she loves him by telling him that they should have a child—his true greatest desire. She never really pictured herself as a mother—in her deepest dreams, she would be the mother to a blond boy and a brunette girl—but she knows that’s what he wants. And she wants to make him happy and she thinks that being a mother would be better than being a woman trying to escape a ghost that never leaves memory, haunting her every move.

 

As luck or fate would have it, they’re both trying to get pregnant at around the same time. And before she knows it, she sees that little plus sign on the stick reminding her that she’s going to be a mother. And she weeps that night when she’s alone in her bathroom because it’s all changing yet again but the next morning she smiles and allows her husband to fuss all over her flat stomach and listen to him tell her how much he loves her. 

 

He’s named the godfather and his wife is godmother when the time comes—she couldn’t imagine entrusting her child with anyone but them. She names her only child, a daughter, Elizabeth—Eliza for short and gives her daughter her last name as well. Months before, he has twins—fraternal and he names his first son Sam, just Sam and his second after himself and his father and at the hospital, she remembers that how sick his wife before her wedding and she know realizes that she was pregnant during her wedding in the early stages before she was even aware. 

 

Their children are born no less than ten months apart and they are ice-dancing partners once more. Now they coach them together, he’s a better choreographer than her and she’s a far better coach than him. And their old coach drops by often enough to given endless advice and criticism—some things never change—and they can’t help but notice the nostalgic look on her face when she watches their children. Hailed as the second coming of Davis and White, Eliza and Sam win almost everything and mirror their parents. The blond haired boy and his little brunette partner—it’s everything to them as they watch the shy looks of interest that bloom on their young faces.  **And they hope for a far better outcome than the one that they ended up with because they are their children and they want so much more for them then they ever had.** They smile as he calls her Aunt Meryl and she calls him Uncle Charlie. 

 

_But in those rare moments of silence, sitting in the kiss and cry with their children, their eyes make contact and clarity shines through the loudest—spotlighting old fears, bad regrets and broken hearts. In those moments, they can look at each other and remember what they should have been fighting for and what they did do. But looking back is never a good sign and the choices they made—all of them—were their own._  

 

And despite it all,  **they were content, maybe never deliriously happy but they could live with the choices they made.** **_Especially when they see the look on their children’s faces._ ** _And it’s then they realize that the sacrifices they made were for something, were worth it._ **_Even though it could have been, it should have been them._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can finally say this one is complete. I'm so sorry it took so long to finish. But I'm happy with the ending even if it's a little sad.


End file.
